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Saturday, 31 December 2011

Bereft One

Somehow on this New Year's Eve my mind is whirling around many things. Like it doesnt want me to take a rest and lay down as my usual habit when it is my holiday time. No Siiiir, it doesnt want to stop thinking.
Last Friday i talked with one of my students and we were talking bout her demise father on 11th December 2011.

She told me about her lost. How she is missing her daddy's existence in her life. How she feels sorry for not saying goodbye and told him how deep she loves him. How in her entire life she will not be able to hold her head high for she is not yet starting to repay her father deeds.

I think those questions do appear every time we lost someone. But do you see the correlations between these questions and my writing bout the previous topic? Actually the bereft one only think bout themselves when they do these reprimands. Am i being cynic or cruel? Maybe both.....or i am just trying to see it from a different perceptive.

I lost someone that i love 26 years ago. The pain does not ebb away, but it is reducing gradually. On my mourning time i did the same way like my student. Until someday something snapped my mind to reality. That above anything else she is belong to Allah Ya Rabb. That by having her in 12 years of my previous life is like a bless among everything. That what i have with her is not comparable with any other experience that i might have in the future. Who am i, a small thing in this world tries to fight over the faith? The faith that has been mapped out by The Greatest Lover Allah Ya Rabb.....

On that day i was jolted to my reverie from my sleeping ignorances. That Allah does lend everything that we have like we rent a house from a landlord. When the lease is out, it is no wonder we must accept the conditions. He has all the rules and regulations under the contracts that we signed. He never asks a payment just the trust. Our trust for His paths. A path that somehow with our braniac minds are being twisted by us for our own needs.

Maybe my words are so cynical, but do yourself a favor. Being a crumple soul for a lost should not make you a weak person. It is supposed to strengthened yourself....somehow someway.

Friendship, Relationship or Just Simple A Ship

Friendship is based on the words of friend and ship. In which the first one is where we cant live without while the next can be something that we never have a need of to have. Unless you are like my previous boyfriend, he cant live without a ship or a boat since it is one of his hobbies...hmmm makes me wondering what he is doing at this moment with my straying mind :p soooo come back again to my explanation before; then how come when we put those two words together we get a wonderful meaning that we cant lost it in our short span of live?

It is so simple, but it is so difficult to comprehend it. How come we need that simple word in our life? It is beyond my smartly mind and creativity *mind you i only admit my smartness when it is necessary since mostly it is idle* In our weak condition we will say that friendship is important because we need someone to be there for us, to support us, to champion us over others, to hold our hands when it is clammy full of worries, and when the hell is broken then we wont be alone in facing it.

In other words then friendship is an egoist thought we harbor for the poor souls that we call as our friends? Since none of the explanations above were telling us about what benefits we can give toward our supposed to be friends. Have you ever thought that?

In my 37 years of living and hopefuly till the last day i sign my living permit in this world, i always say to my friend, "Come to me when you need a help that you know i might be able to do it. No need to share your happiness if i dont have the right of it."

A ship sails on Werdensee - Essen NRW Germany

And having this understanding in our relationships, i am becoming an un-demanding soul that often being neglected for my needs. But at least i am needed by them when they need this lil ole me. My ears are for their stories, my mind will be given to find a solution or just to soothe their pains and most of all, my prayers will always go for those friends in my relationships though they dont have a ship to boot with. 

Wednesday, 7 December 2011


This is the first time and i hope the last time i share these horrible worries to outsider. Do forgive me to be honest with myself and to whomever you are. I just want to spill the guts before I face the reality. Whatever the reality is that I must uphold.

Mmmmmm I am sick. Yes, I am sick with these creepy worries that sometimes comes upon me without any warning. Today i am worry to get a toothache. So worry that even my zikir* doesnt help me to get a peacefulness. In this kind of event I often feel ashame with Allah. I commit myself to Him. I pledge my life to Rabb Ya Allah, but I lost my footing over a worrisome matter like that????? What kind of moslem I am? Where is my serenity over His plans and creations? Where is my faith to Him?

Those condemnations are bombarding me all the time when I have my inner battle. The battle that I hope to win in every moment. I may not be a sufi*. I may not be a saint. But I definitely will try to repressed those selfish thinkings for my peace of mind.

Notes :
Zikir - a way for Moslem people to worship Allah in His names.
Sufi - a path of live in which the person are not being wordly, due to their ways in worshiping the Lord.
PS these meanings are being taken and written from nee's strawberries brain. Do forgive in case there are wrongness.


From talking with someone yesterday, I realize an old understanding that i got from my grandfather, Allah rest him in peace, who told me that each of us do shape based on the things that the person believes is the best one. A grumpy person might have a belief that his or her grumpiness is something he or she must do as a defense's of a mechanism to avoid them from getting hurt. While someone who is so cheerful actually its another mechanism in protecting the person from nosy people, problems, or themselves.

Just like other creatures on this Universe, we do have a mechanism device to protect ourself from getting something that we dislike. But unfortunately we get deceived by our inner side that somehow we could not find the path into the real of us behind the mechanism devices that we have been applied for ages. So, who are we actually?

Sunday, 30 October 2011


Somehow today my urge to mark someone is arising again lol. Is it due to the heat? Yes, maybe, but not that heat silly. Yes, the other heat. Arggh nooo, not that one also. The other part of heat. Yes, thats one you silly goose.
But seeing i am not an animal, its quite difficult to mark my territory, in which it will need some 4 legs and some poses. Though without those actualy some people already call me biatch :p like i care. I mean, come on, if the name comes w d abilities, why not lol.
Remembering my threat to my coffee, to mark him as mine by tattoing my name on his forehead...hmm awesome.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

nee'slifeherepastandfuture: Things I Cant Accept As Javanese Woman

nee'slifeherepastandfuture: Things I Cant Accept As Javanese Woman

Things I Cant Accept As Javanese Woman

Iwas born in pure Javanese's family. The background of my family is the combination between Javanese's cultures, Moslem's ways and modernization ways that erase all those tight bonding acts from my ancestors. It does not mean i dislike to be called as priyayi Jawi* but it is more to some un-relevant rules, laws and concepts of live that i am unseemly can take it as my ways.

For example in Java, men are supposed to be our king, hmmmm reminding me of the song from Rihanna - California King Bed- sheeesh nee with her straying minds grrrrr. Lets continue please. As a king, they have absolute powers toward their objects which are women and children. These concepts can be working well if the Subjects are taking the responsibilities toward their wards like a duck in the pond. Too bad, some or even now most of those ducks are so wacky that is so tacky to give them such powers -in my opinions, if someone is asking, but offcourse since it is my blog, so it is always based on me- *grinning evilly* what i meant is like dealing with family's live. Javanese men nowadays do not know where their foods are processed, by whom, and how. Like a king they just wait all their objects (read : women) to do all the dirty jobs while they just sit cutey after their working hours. Not even giving a hand to clean the rooms, or just taking care the children to ease the burdens of their wifes or sisters or any women in their life.

That is only 1 aspect in real life. How bout taking a part in family bonds. Most men in my culture do not have any abilities to create a bond in their family. Everything is depend on the women's parts. Although Java is definitely not a Matrilineal, but somehow i feel like that lately. For example in my family, since the day my mamah passed away *blessed her lovely soul* we -the 5 of us- are like being considered as pariah due to no one was willing to bring us into the family's events. And to be honest, though i was so happy in avoiding those ole ladies who held all powers in our family, some part of me did hope to be accepted like when my mamah was still alive. So family is depend on the oldest lady in your trah.*

Another example due to those examples above, our men are becoming so spoil and dependent too much to our women that even they cant think, do or alive without us. Somehow this new improvement in my society do make me gag all the time whenever i see a macho man but he must wait his woman for anything. There was an example that i could not erase from my memory till today. One day when i choose to go to my aunty's home in other part of Surabaya, i went with a bemo* a common public transportation here. I watched a married woman carried her baby in her arm sitting next to me. Sitting in front of this dawdy lady is her husband. The husband looked so dressed up like he had all his time in front of the mirror. When it was already in their destination. The wife asked her husband to get off from the car. Then she followed behind. What shocking me and the other passengers was the way they got off. First the wife who in fact carrying their heavy baby was also carrying a bag. And while the wife tried to balance her "luggages" the husband just stood on the shoulder of the road to pose like a boring teen, not even offering to help his wife with the "luggages." Unfortunately, in the middle of getting off, the wife slipped from her high heels, and surprise surprise, the husband did not do anything. So all of us inside the car helped the poor lady to get off from it and brought the bag on the pavement. While we were surprised with this shocking event revealed in front of us, the lady added another shock by paying the fees of the transportation from her own wallet without any helps from the husband. So where is the proudness of being priyayi Jawi? Where is the gentleman act? Do we as Javanese women nowadays must choose to be The Man in our family, in our society and even in our job? wonder many women from my country choose to cross the side nowadays (no pun intended for the crossers, i support in diversity and free of choices) or even try to capture a foreigner with the hope to be treated humanly and womanly by them.

Notes - the meanings are being given freely based on nee's understanding:

priyayi Jawi - a way my people, Javanese call themselves proudly for with the name entails them to be so honourable and protect their names and dignity.

bemo - a car smaller than a minibus that can carry passengers around 12 people within the same route with the fee.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Anxieties - Belated Post

(((Hear ya hear ya!! March is coming!))) this is one of 2 months that i always feel anxious in a year. Whether i plan it to be relax full, ignorance or just let it by, the anxieties will drop themselves on my head "boink" , they will do like the one in a cartoon movie.
Lemme cut it out now, so i can pile up my anxieties more next time. Yes every March is my birthday. Yes in which the A is going to add up the sum. Yes i am not that worry morry dorry sorry over the white hairs, crows' feet on my forehead, smiling lines or even all those famous gravity theories bout women. Nada. Those are not my worries that in the end caused the anxieties. It is due to my worry in becoming a worse person the more i am older. Especially when you are a spinster (euuuuuy i do not really like the word, its almost like splinter, so painful). and more over if you are Javanese.
In Javanese culture, a spinster is considered as a grumpy ole woman who cant control their tempers due to their un-fullfilled some of aspects in their live. How cruel huh the prejudice. But that is so true. I was grown up while listening those comments toward spinsters. Just like being a spinster is a degrading status lol.
now with those concepts in mind, up to now, i always try to introspect myself every birthday. To ask myself, do i am becoming such a grumpy person like those people said? Do i become ridiculous in my actions? Do i too emotional for any little things that "normal people" never do?
Thus the anxieties come from......

Someone Like You

Never mind if i'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Dont forget me i beg, i'll remember you said
Sometimes it last in love, sometimes it hurts instead

Listening and singing together with Adele in this song is becoming my second favourite activity lately besides reading in Wattpad. This song seems to have the power to enthrall me within its grab. To entice me within the soul. I am so beguile in its power. I have no strength to pull myself from it. Arghhh....Adele i wish i am in a brokenhearted session now, so i can blame my love's story in C.O.T aka crying out loud while playing this song. Too bad lately my hormones are having a sabbatical's hiatus, so it is quite embarrassing when an old ninny like nee gets down and cries over nothing *pose like a damsel in distress* euuuuuy such a yikes condition lol. Well what can i say, it seems when Allah Ya Rabb created nee, there was one circuit between her eyes, brain and mind is being loose over time roftlol. Yups...i am a crier. So do not hesitate in sending me a vacancy of the job as a crier for me anytime.

But tonight I just read how loosing someone that we love whether it is in romance's capacity, family's ties or just even friendship, can be such a devastating moment. So i just realise once again bout this new understanding. Lost and pains are BFF, in the end they will call tears to accompany them to make the experience merrier than ever. So guys.....if you experience it, you need a shoulder to cry on, do lean on me. i might not be able to help, but at least my ears are wide enough to listen them, do not feel alone lovie...for you are never alone in any conditions.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Only Through Him

Lately i saw many dishonesty, disagreements, and many sad things. Those were based upon "knowledges" or Iqro (Qur'an words). Allah is right, only through knowledge we can avoid many mistakes. Unfortunately to get knowledge without a guidance of a good conscious is nothing.

In my age now i do understand the worries of people that in the end will bring them into destruction. Destruction for others and themselves. The worries that bring hatred and pettiness. The anger that brings many fall downs. In the end only destructions and nothingness that "the winner" will get.

But i also know, being a smarty mouth or a smart ass wont bring any improvement on the situation. Even praying in my secluded world has been mocked by someone who does not believe in any of my delusion believe (based on his words). So this is what the meaning of those beautiful words in any Holly Books and spiritual books. The end of time where all people will try to hold to their own wisdom without considering others' rights and needs. All of us will grab any sensibility just to vote for our actions. Forsaking everything just to be "the winner."

Only through Him, whatever do you call HIM, do you reach HIM, see HIM can we find peacefulness. Though its a tough job to do while others are swallowing us.

Monday, 28 March 2011

Crawling Into My Lair

Lately i wish everything is as all the people ask me to do. But small part of me is screaming inside (((i want to be me))). Those seed of doubts are the downfall of me.

Somehow i always put myself in this situation where all my argumentations are nothing compare to their sounds and sensible minds. Though i know, if i dont follow them, the consequences are dire enough for me. And as much as i am willing to take those chances *in my bull headed mind* i dont think i am willing to realy face it alone if those consequences come due to my stubborn strikes. Since people will give up on me at that time.

But i want to be able to be down again. And to hear the scolds again, if those are the only way to quench my thirst of power in ruling my life. A wish to show that i am wise enough to stub my foot on the wrong place and take it out unscathily. That my way of life as bum as what people judge, thats what i choose.

Somehow these stubborn strikes always meet the difficult opponents. The conscious. My conscious that has been sharpened by my religion, culture, family and society. Those are the bindings that i put around myself that i accept gladfully. And in the end it always reach a RINGI*. And once again i accept my lost in a big aplomb. It is like hiding my JACKYL or HYDE side into the deepest hole in my lair till another challenge arise.

I just hope it is always those rules are the winner, ALLAH THE MERCIFUL may i am always lost in the battle, for nee is the place of mistakes and sins.

Ringi is a state where an expression in Japanesse language is being used to explain all the process of bargaining and processing, etc till the agreement is taken. And usualy it is applied in business terms.

Friday, 25 March 2011

The Path to Allah is Full of Love

Lately i avoid to write here or there due to many comments from my family mostly my Imam. They do not feel happy with the way i expose my inner self hiks...though i said these are private and everything, but i have to admit there are good points for their dissagreements. So i will heed those things in mind if i want to write here or there.

But those are not the reason why i brave myself to write here now. I just found out that someone that i realy love, like and respect dislike my religion immensely. I mean, not even one time since i met this friend, i ever said a bad thing bout our differences in thinkings, beliefs, way of live etc. But ya Allah, why some people -if they admit to be so tolerant- cant they just let us, the moslem go? Not all moslems are bad just like not all the people in the world are black, tall, fat, stupid, kind or anything. We are different for a reason. Each of us has our own differences in all aspects, as long as we dont hurt each other then let us passing by like many ships on the sea. Eventhough some media write bad things bout moslems, it doesnt mean those are the honest things.

I am not going to be a drama queen, if this is the way they see us as a moslem, then thank you. Allah just opened my eyes again to let me know, some people's real characters. Maybe i am as what they condemn me. As a moslem, i am a delusional girl. Well at least it is an improvement from the previous year, someone called me as an opresive maiden that tries to break all her religion' rules and culture just to get laid lol.

And i just wish they can get what they are hoping for by blackening my prophet, my religion and also my Allah.

Do hate us and mock us if that will make you happy, this is another facet of live that i must take. A great pre-gift for my birthday tomorrow. Thank you guys, for the almost confused me with your real thinkings, while all along these are you. The real you. Thank you and thank you.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Sitting Here

I am in here, in a place where everything started few years ago and hopefuly not ended now.

With all the luxurious things surrounded me, with all the entertainments in my gadgets that i can provide. But do those things help to ease my worries? Nope, it is not realy. Only the understanding bout the meaning of equation and all that start will get ended eventualy, help me to move on.

I come here alone, as i wish, since i started long time ago by coming in here alone also. Beside, facing my own anxieties are worying some without pretending to be strong in front of others. For i am not....i am not. But as a beggar we cant be a chooser right? We took the scripts of our life when we took the challenge from HIM to live on this world. We do all the good and bad things to ourself. We just dont realise it when the omen is going to strike us.

Ya Allah, help me not to be a wealking one. Help me to understand the secret of this beautiful event. I am happy Lord, to know all the things that YOU map out for me....the people, the stories, the events, the hurts, the happiness and everything. Make me to be the great one in facing whatever it is. Help me, to pass this event without changing to be such un-grateful moslem.

Monday, 7 March 2011

Live For Life

Live for life! What a dangerous concept. Full of edges here and there, in which will scratch you if you are not careful.

I heard it the very first time when i was in elementary school. It was coming out from my Sire's mouth. At that time i was thinking that, the meaning of that words might be varied due to the different understanding for life itself on each of us.

Those differences are not going to be put the same on all of us, since it is not a dogma or even a clause in Human's Rights where all of us must respect and follow. But my Sire said it vehemently that live for life is more or less how to enjoy your time in living. Not spending it only for living but mostly how to live in your life.....carpe diem.

But for me, live for life is not as the same as my Sire thoughts. I feel that by doing something good, i am living my life immensely. And come back again, the concept of living it up to your life is dependent upon the person itself. No holding back as long as we do enjoy it. With the concept of following the religion, society, norms, and cultures.

So though the concept of live for life is something that each of us explore to the limit, the limitations are still there to guidence us from misconceptions.

May Allah Subhana Wa Ta'alla guide all of us to the best....amen.

In My Corner of Seat

I am sitting down here
But hey you cant see me
Kind of invisible you dont sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow

Those are some parts of the lyric of Lene Marlin - Sitting Down Here. Funny how those words are calling my beast to roar so loud. Calling some old memories in my Pentium II brain, among my strawberries' shrubs. Those words fly directly through all the files and go to 2001.

And just like in a movie, the scenes, lightings and atmosphere were changing into "it".

In my life i often feel as a liability among my peers, family or anywhere i stand at the moment. I often feel so lost within this world, like i am not suppose to be here.

But there was a time, when i met my half. Just like a canine, i felt he was the one the second i saw his dawdy appearance. My inner side growled MINE....MINE. Now mind you, i am quite fanatic in reading Non Human romance hehehe. But honestly, at that time, i realy wanted to claim him as mine and put him chained, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen. Upsss....i cant impregnated him lol.

To make the story short..... all the awkwardness were nothing as long as i knew he was there for me. All the misplaced parts were being put nicely on the puzzle of my life. I felt that my purpose in life was to make him happy, and we will have a happily ever after. Preeeeet* ;p . Well it was not, it was the biggest hoag in my entire living. For as much as i loved him, he is the only person who put the biggest pain in my heart till today.

Do i feel dissapointed with the ending? Naaaa, it is life. When i put my heart on a plate for someone, the end can be described easily. Whether i am going to get H.E.A (Happily Ever After), or the worst one, H.H.M.p Heaven Helps Me..puhleazzz lol.

Though the stories are so poorly copied like a 3rd grade of cheap romance movie, i do feel that he was there to educate this lil ole nee that love is not always like her understanding from all her romance books collection he he he.

But somehow that era in life is the most dangerous part in my entire livinghood. I was so drugged of the love that we had. Though now i can smile and enjoy the happy and sad moments including when he was soooooo worried to introduce me with his family just because i have more piercings than he can hope for wkwkwkwk. As people who admire pierce and tattoe know, all those things are being done for a reason. Like my pierces are emphasizing something in my life.

Well life goes on, he is there with his family and chubby daughters. Nee, is in here with all her "ghosts" to be conquered day by day. And like i often say, when it comes to others' happiness, i am willing to let myself hurt. When Allah gives me a chance to come back to the past, i will never change it a lil bit, not for me, and not even for you.

Note :
* preeeet is the expression that nee uses for showing disagreement, joke, cajole or in those kind of senses.

Saturday, 26 February 2011


I just read a comment in one of my favourite writers' blogs. In there one of the followers commented bout a relationship. And how awful a relationship can be when both parties are going awry with their directions.

These are the thoughts that have been haunting me lately. Just like a broken faucet in the bathroom. It gives me plick plack plack sounds whenever my eyes are having a strike and dont want to sleep like at this moment.

Lately i do realise that i am too clingy to my lover. Well i wish i am not showing it too much or coming too strongly to him, mind you, no man in their right minds are willing to be hound by an amazon lady, though she is only 1.48 m. I repeat it again NO....ONE.

Showing my heart, devotions, and loves to him, actualy is just another way to put me in 6' under the ground....thats what i always feel when i broken up in my relationship. Not that i am thinking bout killing myself or something so noble like a harakiri. Nooooo, i am too coward to meet My Maker by breaking HIS rules. What i mean is more to the way i "kill" any relationship with my own deeds. Just like the song from Queen, Too Much Love Will Kill you, though in my case it is in a roundway bout.

Sooo after reading those words and comments, i feel i do get a revelation. Like everything is meant to be sheeeesh......what i mean, then i do realise some things:

1. Relationship is never for me. I get confuse with the rules and regulations of it. The words/acts that we can or couldnt do are so confusing. Thats why i even think that all of these are a big conspiracy toward nee. That all single people in pre-world life ever had a special training in heaven with all the text books and the slides to give them a lesson how to start, have and enjoy a relationship. And guess what? I did not join it. Maybe they just forgot to invite me puuuufffhhh....

2. Showing too much love toward your lover is a big no no, especially if you are a woman, and last time i went to the bathroom, i was a woman soooo....i must not overdo it.

3. Asking their whereabouts are just not only showing your concerns and attentions. But mostly you are starting to be like a warden tries to shackle your "capture" euuuuy no wonder i never have a long lasting lover. But nooooo, my first lover dumped me since he is soooo afraid his family found out how many pierces that i have lol, my second one is...aih aih....spilling the beans nee???? Silly gal.

Now come to the last question, by writing these thoughts, do i understand something? Noooooo. Do i able to sleep???? Noooooot

Tuesday, 22 February 2011


Have you ever felt a numbness that is seeping in from your toes go to your brain? You saw those "lil white soldiers" march on your veins to capture the whole of us. There is no more nee. Only a carcass that is left there to be dump like a dummy.

But i am not a dummy though somehow i do feel like a dumb. Since only a dumb get the same problem again and again.

Should i be angry with my self over it? Yes i will, but not now. Not when i feel so helpless and numb.

But i will, i will snap out of this limbo state. I need to grab for my sanity back.

If people out there just look for differences while you look for the beauty of those differences, you are not a freak, nee. It doesnt mean you are a pathetic romantic one also. Its not. It is just you. Be brave my love, for others are not as worth as my love toward you.

Its not the time to crumble now, March is coming. You need all your strength to move on, for that day.

Without them, you still have me, nee.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

Pit Pat Put

I am in my usual condition now. In the corner of my life, in my uncertainty emotions. In my hollow feeling.

The feeling of being un-worthy for others, wory to be left behind, wory too much to be a burden, and most of all feelin so sensitive over anything and everything.

I wish i can blame my which has been stopped ages ago. Or blame my PMS..which one?? Or my natural basketcase traits?

Will someone cater me into the white jacket condition??? Puhleazzzzzzz dont...i am not that crazy. A lil bit demented due to my rants and whines, mayhap. But definitely not loosing a grip here.

I am what i am, no need to call a shrink to dig my past. I take the whole resposible toward all my actions.

But ya Allah....i am better to go away from population. Since it seems whatever i do, is always rub people in the wrong way, though it is not my intention.....never.

Now, i can only pit pat put with my heart to wait for the grovel to pound to give me the verdict due to my different things that i have to hold. Subhanallah....praise to Allah.

But Darlin I'd Still Catch A Grenade For Ya....

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
You know i'd do anything for ya

And those are the refrain part of a song that i fall in love to at this moment. Since last night my playlist is only playing this song by Bruno Mars - Grenade. The lyric is so horrible harsh but somehow when i listen the emotion of Bruno in singing it, his ways in performing it and also the music......OMG i am just hooked, sank, and lined with it.

Even in my splitting head condition now, i still listen it and i do hope to be able to stand up and shaking my body to this melodious song.

And i'd jump on the train for ya
You know i'd do anythin for ya
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight to my brain......

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Is It?

People said that love is an exhilarating feeling that can give and bring all the positive things from a human. Even a bum like nee ;p whom the highest dream is just to make people happy even if the payment is to be mocked or laughed bout.

But what i experience so far are not so close with those picturesque things we read or see in romance stories. Where the heroines are being swept away by their knights in shining armour, and they ride the horse to sunset to find their happily ever after and the end. Oh noooooo those are the combination between my chick's flicks and Lucky Luke the comic strips lol.

Well at least i think all of us have a perfect scene and script to their romance stories or love in this life. A child will hope to have a perfect love from her/his parents. A mommy will have a dream to get the greatest love from her children though she never hopes in their acts. A man will hope to find a great woman to be shacked *sowi in using vulgar word* about, looked upon, brought with in public, and such a great mother for their children. Euuuuuy those are the dreams, de sein versus de soune. The dreams contrast to the reality.

In the real life, if a woman can find a great love from her man with some flaws, it must be accepted though the flaws are not so menial. If a mother is being respected by her kids, but they dont love her, its okay. Since this is life. If a man can only get a barbie without no idea of loyality or how to deal with a relationship, than he is still considered lucky in having someone next to him.....only when she is not being loco hehehe.

So where is the love that many card's companies or movies' productions or artists are singing under the windows? Where is it? Is it love if its painful? Is it still love if it squishes your heart inside out? Is it love if you feel like you are cutting your own hand for their happiness? For me, yes. That is love. Love has many facets. It is not always beautiful and smell of roses all the time. Thats love, thats how i see it. In a piece of paper or microfilm, love is a perfect concept, but in the aplication, it experienced some decreasement and increasement like when we are talking bout investment lol. And just like that, love is metamorphing into what you are shaping them. And quoting my Baby's words, "This is life, it is not a rehearsal."

Is it spooky enough for you? Yes, offcourse...but this is the fact. A fact that though we are hoping any safety net for our misfortunes in love or just avoid it entirely? Thats not love then if we are still think bout those things. Besides, when you love, you must show it or it wont be love anymore - some words borrowing from a special man in my life.

My People

Each morning the journey from my humble bode to my office is only bout 10 minutes when i go with my friend - Eno, in her motorcycle, while if i decide to go by bemo/mikrolet* it will take me around 20 minutes. But maaaaaaaan, the minutes should be adled up with my cardiac problems, smelly sweats, and rolling eyes through my back skull due to the "polite" ways of my people drive on the streets. Well mayhap they think the streets are their tracks a way to reach famousity whether as another casualties on the streets or being cursed by many road's users....definitely including me -grinning and cackling like a devil- who will yell within my lovely voice, and hey i have got many people said that my voice is cute enough if you listen carefuly, too bad no one is willing to listen to it lol. I might not be using profanitiy words since i am doing my penant with my potty mouth lately.....and honestly, if you buy that, than do call nee "M'Lady" starting from now on he he he.

Whenever i see those bad drivers, i do hope to show it to Valentino Rossi. I believe the maneuvers of some drivers and riders will make Mr. Rossi blushes profusedly like a maiden in their first kiss....euuuuuuuy bad comparison. But...the things are still stand. They are there to make me as a mince meat for sure with their ignorances.

I dont say that their way of driving are always bad. I do see some of the streets' users are just normal as i am. But we are facing those megalomaniac people who thrive on others' horrors and every exclaimation from our surprise mouths is considered as a wanting yell yell in their pervert ears. Pffffuuuuhhhh....what a crazy idea.

Driving fast with the wind blows on your face is so romantic. I used to love it also. The thrill and excitement of driving fast is so exhilarating. It frees our feelin to soar high with the adrenaline is bubling high on the roof. But beibahs...i have burried someone that i loved 6' under the ground due to a horrible accident. Just....think it again. Is it worthed?

This makes me think and think, as Javanese* people that is so famous of their TEPO SLIRO* belief. So where do those acts sit well with it????

* bemo/mikrolet - 4 wheels car with a usage as a public transportation in Indonesia. One car will follow the same route from one station to another station.
* Javanese - the main ethnic in Java Island.
* Tepo Seliro - an understanding bout life that has been writen by Sri Mangkunegara IV (one of the kings in Java) in his book Wedhatama Bagi Orang Modern (Wedhatama For Modern People). Its a belief that never do something to other where you dont want to get it from others. And always try to treat others as you want to be treated.

Saturday, 5 February 2011


It is 1.36 am in my part of the bed where i sleep on with my zoo's entaurage. I just woke up due to a nightmare. Yeah....yeah a nightmare, mimpi buruk, ngimpi elek or whatever is the words in different languages.

My eyes are still sleepy, my breath is soooo fast, my body is not sychronise yet, my hearth is palpitating in its small cave and i even dunno what did i dream off. Though i am trying to dare myself to go to sleep again, i still couldnt do it. At least not yet.

I remember when i was a kid, my mamah will tell me nicely "Mbak* turn over your pillow, it will make whatever is your nightmare will not bother you again." In my simple understanding at that time, yes, offcourse the dark side in the dream will not be able to come since they were squished down under my head and pillows lol. So i could sleep nicely till morning comes. But now, when i am adult, that mind has no merit anymore. It lacks of meaning. As much as i squish and turn the pilllows, the dark will come engulfing me as soon as i close my eyes. Especialy if i dont start my sleep with a prayer.....a simple prayer to the Almighty to cleanse my soul for the day. Mind you, nee is not an angel, so i need to do some repents to purify my evilness.

Writer Notes:
* Mbak - is a Javanese way to call some female older than us or just the way to respect a woman. Though in the story its just purely endearment from a mother to her daughter.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011


When i was a kid, there was a famous comic's strips, NINA, for girls that i looooove to read. It's an adventure series story bout a young girl. In one of the series, they draw such a beautiful cat with a lovely name, Bistet. It's explained that the name is taken from a goddess name. Her name is so unforgetable. And her appearance is so regal. And i do kinda freakie freak bout all cute and cuddlesome things, animals, stuff dolls, men...euuuuuy lol. No, seriously, i fall in love easily to any animal with big brown eyes with some characters in it, nice and flufy furs, wet and cute as a button nose or snout......OMG i will be so putty on their hands.

Till today, the name of Bistet has been haunted me for hmmmm, around 26 years, and no cat or any animal can get the name of it.

The name is too regal for just a mere cat that i ever had or even will have someday.

Somehow in my spare time, i am picturing my own Bistet with the one that i saw in the comic's strip. And it never comes enough pheew. So its true, a name is representing yourself.

Oh Bistet....i do hope someday i can find a cat of my own that will be suitable for the name. Though i do have a doubt since i have a strong opinion that a pet will immitate the owner from the appearances, characters, and even their facials. So, it will be imposible for nee to have a regal and calm cat as the name of Bistet rings those traits clear and loud hiks hiks....mine will be so cute, chubby and silly huwaaaa huwaaaa.

Huffh but at least i still can dream to have my own Bistet, a soft and noble cat pusssss....meong.....purrrrrrr.

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Gimme Gimme

Dont think it's a biggie, when it's only a pinkie.
But because it's a pinkie, it doesnt mean you can wiggle.
Though i am still sure, the pinkie can be such a biggie.
As long as i wont let it goes freakie, i will be at ease.
Let's keep the balance babie....keep it on balance.

Monday, 31 January 2011


Emotions are so unpredictable things. They can make human putty in their hands without allowing their humanity, wisdom's traits, and all the goody goody ones that usualy entail in human as the best creature of the universe.

In those glance moments, we are no different than any kindergarten student who doesnt know how to differentiate A to Z. But like any other super Heroes. We are also prone to our weakness. And the effects are so dire. Since in those swift moments, we are going to depend on our Id, Ego and Superego (*read theories of Psychoanalysis in Freudian theory).

And sometimes, from those very short events, people will decree our characters. As unfair as it is, but thats us. Human. We do judge each others harshly, Homo Homoni Lupus, people eats people. Well i am not a Freudian and definitely i am also not a sociologist, i am just seeing the spectrums in this world from my own corner. The lil tinny greenery corner of the world. But what i see so far, including my own self experience, emotions are the anomalies in our self. The x type in this universe.

And seeing people who control their emotions to be so plain, is a luxurious treat for me. Since i almost never see it.

Sometimes i even text my BFF and asking them to lemme know the locations of any ATM places for withdrawing patient. Because i think, patient is one of my lack in life. At least if i have more, it will be better he he he.

I mean i dont want to be un-able too control my own self huh? And let other people to say "Gooose Frabaaaaa" like the famous line in Anger Management.

Friday, 28 January 2011

My Kinda Man
My Green Man
My Menhir Man

When someone ask me bout my Prince Charming's criterias, i will rebuke them by a statement like, "All the good men are taken or gay!" but actualy like any red blooded woman on this earth, i do have my own dream man to be dreamed to have. He should be so tall to tower me, with a nice timbre voice, big burly hands, two pointed ears and green skin......euuuuy thats SHREEEEEEEK! Zap it of....its not right, he must be tall and big so he can protect me from the sun and rain, with two cuttie pie of braids, nice smile and a rough and rumbling voice.....sheeeesh that will be OBELIX. Well seriously beibahs..i am a normal girl, with a dream of my wedding that i want to have someday and a kind of man to take my hands for eternity till death do us part. But like all kind of dreams, it's only happening when i am asleep, in which lately the hibernation that i realy loveee has been voted by many people surround me as the most degrading activity found after giving a candy to kiddy without their parents' consents.

But basicaly, whatever are my criterias, if you are my man, then you are the one. You are Baby....the man that has all those criterias that i long for, besides, Jose Morinho, George Clooney, Sean Connery, Etc hehehehe. Love to love you Baby.

I Miss You

Have you ever felt missing, longing, moaning of a presence and a thing in your life? Something that feels like wrecking your gut out into pieces when whatever you are longing for is not there to be reached about? That next breathe is almost impossible to be done without a help from a breathing's mask? Or you are comparing yourself like a big fatty fish thats me lol, stranded on the ground, without any sight of water surround it.

Those feelings that just simplifying nee as an addicted, a gal in a limbo. A stage that noone, i repeat, no one in their right mind is willing to be put in it. But its happening now.
The gut wrenching experience, that i cant withhold inside myself. That my emotions inside are trying to conquer my human existency. Ya's hard. Even crying for a help wont bring any solution. I am doomed to face it alone...lonely in solitude.

As much as i try to open my soul and deepest side, no one can understand and able to accept it.

Ya Allah....give mercy......i just miss, want, crave to drink tutu huwaaaa huwaaaaaaa.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Your Love Blinds You

Many people believe that love is a bless from Allah. Well i am also those people who believe it. I even think that to love and to be loved should be put in any rules in the world, or even in the universe.

But in here, my country, something surprising comes from that beautiful feeling, love. Many people here are "blind" lol. Not the special kinds of blind, but they are blinded for any fault that their loved one do.

In the name of love a parent will sue the teacher for giving some scolds to their kid. In the name of love, a mother will not teach their children independency. In the name of love, a man will do corruptive things to heap luxurious things for his love ones. In the name of love, a granny will not allow her grandchild to walk in which will shortened the ages of our youngsters. In the name of love for life, people do any bad things for their namesakes.

Well you can argue with me, who the hell is nee, to dare oppose those high almighty people who think that they are above approach? Yes, it's true....i am nothing. But at least, when i love someone or something, i will never ever close my eyes and consciences for their mistakes. That's not love, that's hypocrecy. Love will only make people to be a better one whether they are the object or the subject of it.

So, folks....think it again, is it love that caused you to do those things? Is it not an ego, a pride, a possesive way, or just purely a way to show people that you are a loving person while infact you are a neurotic basket case one hehehehe, just like me sometime.....just some time.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Flick of Wrist

Somehow in my life, past, present and future events or thoughts collide together in a heap. They just swarm outside of my head without any chance for me, the master of the body, soul and mind to shout, "Objection, Sire!" it seems Allah just love to remind me again and again that HE is the sole owner of this lil ole nee. Just with a flick of HIS hand, HE can change everything, subhanallah -Glory Be To Allah. ...Though i know, HE does it with love of A Creator toward HIS creations. But, it still creeps the hell out of me when i cant do the right thing when the moment comes. And tough as a nail i feel bout myself, i do break somehow * believe it, i am a teary pot if you ever seen one, nee is able to cry for any weird occasion, so you just name it*

But the question is still there, if we do believe HE is the one who gives all the things in life for us, due to our own efforts. Why some people are questioning HIS wisdoms? Some even try to run away to destroy themselves, the best creature of HIM?
Why do i have these questions? Because lately i see, watch and hear people with problems in their life. And they end up hurting themselves to find an imagery little piece of heaven on this earth. Dont get me wrong, i am still learning bout life, till i will be put 6' under the ground to be the best dinner for mr. And mrs. Worms, but do we have to hurt ourself just to forget we do have those problems?

When i told you i had my share of problems, its not trying to brag or laundrying my sheets in front of others, or even trying to picturing myself as the best survival of this Earth's problems. But do lemme know who in the right mind of their brain will say they are far away from problems after 36 years of living?

In my simple mind now, everything is happening to a good caused for a good reason. We just need the time to heal us and reveal the answers if we just to numb to act. Let nature does their best in healing all the problems. But if you are a fighter, find the best solution for you based on any belief you have in mind. And since nee is not realy a fighter, i will let nature soothe my pains while i do my best.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Chili Oh Chili
It comes in 2 colors red and green, most people believe the red one is hottest one, its a lie, the green can be killing our tongue.

I was shocked to my toes *and such beautiful toes as far as i am concerned lol* sowiii for straying.....the price of chili - a small tinny thing that gives us hot taste in our tongue, that in many cartoon, it will make your ears blowing smokes - is sooooo expensive. The usual prices per kilo was around 10,000 Rupiahs -lesson for today, Rupiah is Indonesia's currency, and yes, i am Indonesian folks! And proud to be one of them.

But now, the price is flying up high into the ceiling. It is going to cost us, the chili's addicters *my own words* to take around 100,000 Rupiahs per kilo. Ouch....ouch thats tooooooo much huh? And no other way around it beibahs.

Due to the addictions of my people are already in the latest stage, there wont be any rehabilitation institutions able to cure them. The symptoms of those addicted people are easily to be spot in many restaurants, foodcourts, and food places in here. Some of the symptomps that i could get from my secret missions are:
1. Glassy eyes whenever they eat without chili.
2. Whining and complaining since the food is not hot burning with chili taste.
3. Lost their appetites.
4. Keep on listening to the radio for checking the news of chili's prices in the market.

After my observations for sometimes, i do realise there is one of the most horrid addicter. She even took a picture of chili, the red and green ones from Mr. Google. Whenever she eats, she will try to peek the pic from her cellphone, and it will be followed with a big and long sighing....hufffh. I do know what does she think, everytime she does the ritual. Do you know why? Because she is huwaaaaaa. i feel like in AA's meeting, standing and saying, "Hi guys, i am nee, i am not realy a chili addict....huwaaaa."

Friday, 21 January 2011

The 10% of Our Life

Last Friday, in my sad time, i discussed somethin with one of my BFF in the office. We were discussing bout how life passes by with our age goes by and our un-ending fight with gravitation *pssst all women will face these phases hiks....,

On our free time after sharing two boxes of lunch of Nasi Campur - a traditional food from Java, a mixture of rice with all the dishes heap on the side - we were starting the discussion with her questions, the usual one, how did i able to make a great bond
with all of our clients in my job but not able to snatch one of them to be my lovely wedded hubby?

In which before i started open my big mouth, she launched bout her friends' stories. How her friends have a strong believe to life as you can. That somehow i do agree to some extents. Never ask a gift from a horse's mouth, thats what i also agree. Though at this time of era, where can i find a horse if not in a farming area???? Sheeeeeeesh sowiiiii for straying from the topic.

Come back to her stories, one of her friends told her to take 10% of our live to make ourself happy. Just to make us happy. Just being selfish for ourself. How right is it? To make it sure that ourself is happy, content and secure. Not doin anyone's bide. not act to the sound of others' whistle. Just enjoy what you like. Only 10% of our live's spams.

I wish all people apply those understandings in their lives to redemp any possibility of getting a mental breakdown that in the end will cater you to a white jacket....euuuuuuy Allah forbids.

I am having my luxurious time in wishing my countrymen not to be so prudish and more free with themselves. I mean, if we dont break any rules of religions, beliefs, norms, culture and society, why not? Dont have any qualm in jumping into the "10% of our fun" beibaaaah.

It will realy make the world a better world...amen.

My Strawberry Shrubs

Here we go beibs, i am going to launch a big secret that is not supposed to be revealed. Its related to my brain, the sacred brain of nee.

But the main question will be, "Does nee have a brain at all?" ROTFLOL....

Basicaly when The Big Guy created all human kind, HE did put a lil whitey brain inside my skull. I do believe HE even asked me do i want to have a bigger memory and storage or not? In meek voice, i do remember , i said "Yes, puhleazzz."

But in the long run, after the creation process, from Heaven to this Earth, the memory and storage of the brains are shrinking and pruning ready to burst.

And after 36 years of living, my grey's cells (*Sherlock Holmes) were starting to give me a red alert that actualy i dont have a brain huwaaaa huwaaaaa. It was occupied with many monkeys played drums in a space of my brain. No wonder i get a lot of problems in life of scholars, not that i am considering myself as one of them, mind you. Seeing these facts, i said to my Baby, to trade-in my head, but since he was sooooo worry if i took a head of cat to trade-in my monkeys, he said vehemently,

"Sweetheart, dont you dare to replace your lovely head with a head of a cat! Find another thing, puhleass, just leave the head intact."

Following his suggestion, i just traded-in my monkeys with some strawberry shrubs. And do you know what? Now I can write STRAWBERRY perfectly....yipppee. And....strawberry is written with DOUBLE R beibs.

From Last Night....

Yesterday was started with 2 big things that make my lil tinny winny brain ponder them a lot. Ouch....ouch i did promise you bout a story of my brain ya? Not that all of you care bout it, but i do insist since Promise Given Is Promise Taken.....sheeeesh womaaaaan, stop fidgeting to tell the story.

Well lemme start it than. Once upon a time....euuuuy wrong starter hehehehe. Seriously, please somebody cracks open my skull puhleaaaaaz to see my brainless organ LMAO.

Okay....okay....enough folks...dont get your dander up. Its never good for your blood presure or heart *wink-wink* yesterday i started my day as usual, turned on my chatting to talk with my Baby, suddenly one of my friends dropped by on my screen. At first he was greeting me with all the pleasantries, but in the end, the most horrible questions ever created;

"Why you dont get wary with your single status??? And why you dont try to find someone?"

He started to preach on me with his ways. Do not get me wrong, for me to be advised or preached bout from all kinds, ages, ethnics, or religions are very much acceptable. The only thing that tick me is the way to state the views. Are they letting it known as nice as it is or not.

But in this case, he was trashing and condemning my way.

And in the evening, i closed the day with un-answerable question, still related with my way of thinkings.

Well mayhap or definitely i dont want to repeat yesterday experience again. It left me out with bitter taste in knowing that my abilities to discuss like an adult is still not good enough. In my believe, never come in any discussion with emotion, and i am not able to do it yet. I am still learning to be a better one.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011


People can do those things.
When other things are better.
While smilling and singing are nicer.
Be a happy harpy nee, rather than feeling so down.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

One Day

One day, i will have a strength to face these demons in mine.
One day, i will move forward from my pains, one step at a time.
One day, i will get my muse to build my Taj presentation of love to people in my life.......
But, just not today, just not today....
I promise you, even if i'll die in trying to make those happens i will. Just bear with me.

Saturday, 8 January 2011


I have known my friends in the office since the first day of my working. We have shared everything,from loosing a boyfriend, being rejected by someone, being stabbed by someone close by, loosing babies, realizing no chance in having babies, being left by a father and many other trivial and menial things also. In all those things, we always stick together to see it through. But now, when i am the one in the end of the receiver, to get a help, to get a lifebuoy....hmmm its damn difficult. Its humbling me, to show how "poorly" is my condition. How nee is on the edge of the edges.

Actually, the knowledge that i need all the supports and helps from others, are not something new for me. But opening up to others and showing your vulnerable side, arghhhhhh......believe me, its so embarrassing, since it means *in my lil head* that i am such a creep.

Funny how today, all those things that i have in mind, do not matter anymore. Seeing first hands, how my friends and family try to be persistent in their decisions, while i try to avoid it, finally make me tired.....for the love of all; my Nanny, family, best friends, me, and my Baby....i will go to find a help. I will try to make it through....with the bless of ALLAH Subhana Wa Ta Allah.