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Saturday, 31 December 2011

Bereft One

Somehow on this New Year's Eve my mind is whirling around many things. Like it doesnt want me to take a rest and lay down as my usual habit when it is my holiday time. No Siiiir, it doesnt want to stop thinking.
Last Friday i talked with one of my students and we were talking bout her demise father on 11th December 2011.

She told me about her lost. How she is missing her daddy's existence in her life. How she feels sorry for not saying goodbye and told him how deep she loves him. How in her entire life she will not be able to hold her head high for she is not yet starting to repay her father deeds.

I think those questions do appear every time we lost someone. But do you see the correlations between these questions and my writing bout the previous topic? Actually the bereft one only think bout themselves when they do these reprimands. Am i being cynic or cruel? Maybe both.....or i am just trying to see it from a different perceptive.

I lost someone that i love 26 years ago. The pain does not ebb away, but it is reducing gradually. On my mourning time i did the same way like my student. Until someday something snapped my mind to reality. That above anything else she is belong to Allah Ya Rabb. That by having her in 12 years of my previous life is like a bless among everything. That what i have with her is not comparable with any other experience that i might have in the future. Who am i, a small thing in this world tries to fight over the faith? The faith that has been mapped out by The Greatest Lover Allah Ya Rabb.....

On that day i was jolted to my reverie from my sleeping ignorances. That Allah does lend everything that we have like we rent a house from a landlord. When the lease is out, it is no wonder we must accept the conditions. He has all the rules and regulations under the contracts that we signed. He never asks a payment just the trust. Our trust for His paths. A path that somehow with our braniac minds are being twisted by us for our own needs.

Maybe my words are so cynical, but do yourself a favor. Being a crumple soul for a lost should not make you a weak person. It is supposed to strengthened yourself....somehow someway.

Friendship, Relationship or Just Simple A Ship

Friendship is based on the words of friend and ship. In which the first one is where we cant live without while the next can be something that we never have a need of to have. Unless you are like my previous boyfriend, he cant live without a ship or a boat since it is one of his hobbies...hmmm makes me wondering what he is doing at this moment with my straying mind :p soooo come back again to my explanation before; then how come when we put those two words together we get a wonderful meaning that we cant lost it in our short span of live?

It is so simple, but it is so difficult to comprehend it. How come we need that simple word in our life? It is beyond my smartly mind and creativity *mind you i only admit my smartness when it is necessary since mostly it is idle* In our weak condition we will say that friendship is important because we need someone to be there for us, to support us, to champion us over others, to hold our hands when it is clammy full of worries, and when the hell is broken then we wont be alone in facing it.

In other words then friendship is an egoist thought we harbor for the poor souls that we call as our friends? Since none of the explanations above were telling us about what benefits we can give toward our supposed to be friends. Have you ever thought that?

In my 37 years of living and hopefuly till the last day i sign my living permit in this world, i always say to my friend, "Come to me when you need a help that you know i might be able to do it. No need to share your happiness if i dont have the right of it."

A ship sails on Werdensee - Essen NRW Germany

And having this understanding in our relationships, i am becoming an un-demanding soul that often being neglected for my needs. But at least i am needed by them when they need this lil ole me. My ears are for their stories, my mind will be given to find a solution or just to soothe their pains and most of all, my prayers will always go for those friends in my relationships though they dont have a ship to boot with. 

Wednesday, 7 December 2011


This is the first time and i hope the last time i share these horrible worries to outsider. Do forgive me to be honest with myself and to whomever you are. I just want to spill the guts before I face the reality. Whatever the reality is that I must uphold.

Mmmmmm I am sick. Yes, I am sick with these creepy worries that sometimes comes upon me without any warning. Today i am worry to get a toothache. So worry that even my zikir* doesnt help me to get a peacefulness. In this kind of event I often feel ashame with Allah. I commit myself to Him. I pledge my life to Rabb Ya Allah, but I lost my footing over a worrisome matter like that????? What kind of moslem I am? Where is my serenity over His plans and creations? Where is my faith to Him?

Those condemnations are bombarding me all the time when I have my inner battle. The battle that I hope to win in every moment. I may not be a sufi*. I may not be a saint. But I definitely will try to repressed those selfish thinkings for my peace of mind.

Notes :
Zikir - a way for Moslem people to worship Allah in His names.
Sufi - a path of live in which the person are not being wordly, due to their ways in worshiping the Lord.
PS these meanings are being taken and written from nee's strawberries brain. Do forgive in case there are wrongness.


From talking with someone yesterday, I realize an old understanding that i got from my grandfather, Allah rest him in peace, who told me that each of us do shape based on the things that the person believes is the best one. A grumpy person might have a belief that his or her grumpiness is something he or she must do as a defense's of a mechanism to avoid them from getting hurt. While someone who is so cheerful actually its another mechanism in protecting the person from nosy people, problems, or themselves.

Just like other creatures on this Universe, we do have a mechanism device to protect ourself from getting something that we dislike. But unfortunately we get deceived by our inner side that somehow we could not find the path into the real of us behind the mechanism devices that we have been applied for ages. So, who are we actually?