Lately i wish everything is as all the people ask me to do. But small part of me is screaming inside (((i want to be me))). Those seed of doubts are the downfall of me.
Somehow i always put myself in this situation where all my argumentations are nothing compare to their sounds and sensible minds. Though i know, if i dont follow them, the consequences are dire enough for me. And as much as i am willing to take those chances *in my bull headed mind* i dont think i am willing to realy face it alone if those consequences come due to my stubborn strikes. Since people will give up on me at that time.
But i want to be able to be down again. And to hear the scolds again, if those are the only way to quench my thirst of power in ruling my life. A wish to show that i am wise enough to stub my foot on the wrong place and take it out unscathily. That my way of life as bum as what people judge, thats what i choose.
Somehow these stubborn strikes always meet the difficult opponents. The conscious. My conscious that has been sharpened by my religion, culture, family and society. Those are the bindings that i put around myself that i accept gladfully. And in the end it always reach a RINGI*. And once again i accept my lost in a big aplomb. It is like hiding my JACKYL or HYDE side into the deepest hole in my lair till another challenge arise.
I just hope it is always those rules are the winner, ALLAH THE MERCIFUL may i am always lost in the battle, for nee is the place of mistakes and sins.
Note:
Ringi is a state where an expression in Japanesse language is being used to explain all the process of bargaining and processing, etc till the agreement is taken. And usualy it is applied in business terms.
