This Afternoon

This afternoon as usual after i spent my 'useless time' for nothing i came back to my boarding places. A small place where i can call my home and though they are below the standard of some people incl in my big family but those are mine-not in the sense of ownership but those places are from our own efforts, alhamdulillah. Believe me, accepting the concept of what you have might better than others is like a never ending battle for me. But once again Rabb gave me an eyes opener toward my drama queen's act. In the public transportation  i met a young unkempt mother with her 3 toddlers....all of them looked so dowdy, dirty and unkempt. At the first sight astaghfirullah.....i am ashamed...i was sooo judgmental over the situation. Starting from blaming her in letting herself to get 3 children if she cant support them -how snob was i huh? who am i to judge they are not happy with the conditions- what kind of husband that she has not to protect his family in all  the senses. Gosh i was so hoity toity....then i realized. That picture was given by Rabb to make me forget my problem. ,That my sadness, my bluest, my depression are N.O.T.H.I.N.G compare to them. How grateful i am now to have a place as luxurious as i have with an income that me and my sister can find, with our health, with our abilities to share Ya Allah....forgive my arrogance, forgive me in seeing dunya sometime as my highest kursy....while Your kursy is what i have to fight and get for?

Di Wajahmu Kulihat Bulan - I See The Moon On Your Face

This song reminds me of Raminku someone who loves the night time with its mystique moments....by the way this song was recorded in 1938 so thus why the quality is not as good as what we are hoping for. The original singer is Sam Saimun (this guy on the pic) was a famous Keroncong singer from Indonesia.

SHUBUH TIME

How different is every hour that He creates.
As a starter is Shubuh time.
So intriguing with all the magick colors in the horizon.
Almost the same like the one at Dusk, but so very different in many parts.
But will you ask Shubuh time for 24' 365.5 days forever?
Naaaa there wont be any dynamic in life then.
Its different due to a reason(s).
We just have to find those reasons, to avoid being un-grateful creature, who can only whine and whimper if the need and want un-answered.
Remind me Rabb whenever i find those pebbles in life like what i met lately, amin.

PICKY MUCKY ME

Do you realise that some people are different because of a reason? Sometimes the reason is so ridiculous for others and sometimes it is purely made up by the person. But i suggest you not to hit the grovel first if i were you, before you know the a-z facts. Lets take a seat and enjoy the breeze lovies, and have the tape rolls itself in revealing the whole story and reason.

In my family and acquintance, my eating dissorder is quite famous -they label it, never me, due to be admitted almost 2x of mal nutritions- and as much as i try to come clean, the grovel has been thumped. Like a map of files that got a stamp RESOLVED lol. While actualy i would like to stand and raise my hand and shout "Objection Your Honor!" but this is the reality. This is the 'fact' that they "can" see. I must accept the inscription of EATING DISORDER on my forehead like a tattoo.

Actually this so called of an eating disorder started when i was young. When i was young i got forbid to eat many kind of food because of my poor health and allergic. With the medical knowledge at that time, the doctors -see the plurals in here, doctors were like my BFF at that time since i saw them at least 1 in a week lol- forbid me to consume some list of food, namely; egg, cheese, milk, fish because of my skin's allergic with a high protein food. All kind of fruits and raw veggies because of my gastritis  And don't forget those factory's snacks that will always bring me a bad throat-ache, swollen thingy etc. And what kid can remember all those lists huh? Me? Are you kidding me...???? So forgot i did. And if i forgot my mamah or papah would remind me wherever it is the occassion. Where all ears could hear and make their pity eyes zoom on me *picturing the soap opera series where the camera zooms on a person twitching nose just to emphasize a thing lol*. Then fed up with those pathetic eyes i made a pact with myself, better to look so rebellious than to be pitted  Maybe now if i go to see the doctor they will give me the medication, in which i have enough for it in my life time, so being a picky mucky me is a better choice than seeing pitiness. Its not right but its okay....*song by Whitney*

ps - next time story....from missing tutu into a high addict that i plan to create a rival AA Group with TuTu Group. And the shouting will be "Hi...i am nee. I am a tutu lover..."

Kali Yuga

The world is made of misunderstandings

All unawares, one man betrays his friend

The latter plots revenge

Neither understands the other's language -

No wonder the world is falling apart.

Born in the fetters of the last days

Absurdity pursues us to the grave

I never understood much of this world -

Why? Because there is nothing to understand.

O man of the last days, be of a tranquil mind

The time of the Kali-Yuga has its good side

Assuredly, troubles will last for a while -

But God has made easy the way to salvation.

Note : 

The poem is Kali Yuga by Frithjof Schuon, a Germany metaphysics http://www.frithjofschuon.info/italiano/public/read/poetry/default.aspx?ID=2960  this is an English translation from http://www.frithjofschuon.info/italiano/public/read/poetry/default.aspx?ID=2960

and it has been given by Raminku on his letter.

I heard the word of Kali Yuga for the 1st time when i taught a Hindustan lady, Ibu Endah. She taught me a lot bout her belief that i feel floored up to now, how come a smart and wise lady like her feels that sometimes she is nothing subhanallah....subhanallah....while for nee, i feel amazed till now and that the road, source and from where the iqro we will never know. 

MEEEEEH

MEEEH

I just want to......meh
But i think i...bleh
So you think i.....peh
why, its not possible i.....neeeh

How many times do we say I rather than you?
And somehow meeeeh, bleeeh, neeeh and peeeeh is the best reply to my I-s

Confrontation

In most of my life i rarely let loose my mouth and emotion to run amok when there is a confrontation. Though i believe in life we have 2 options in dealing a problem -confrontation to clear up the air and let it go mentally and spiritually- usually i choose the last part and stay the heck away from the person for worying to create another havoc if i cant redeem my emotion. But somehow people love to choose the 1st one. I dont mind if they are the one who is doing it, but God's forbid if i do that because even in my ears it sounds so lame. The words are sounding like an excuse over an excuse. Thats why i prefer to be silent. Because somehow my explanation is bording to empty excuse that i dislike myself in hearing it. Better to straigth up yourself for the impact of your/not action and hope Allah will bless for the best.

Another reason why my explanation is not important is because i will be too emotional and loosing the grip that in the end will hurt others. Believe me thats not a good option. Or its not even an option insyaallah if i can help it.

I am sowiii

Rurouni Kenshin

http://i.animecrazy.net/x7up.jpg
http://i.animecrazy.net/Rurouni_Kenshin_05.jpg
http://cdn101.iofferphoto.com/img3/item/106/444/453/rurouni-kenshin-1-95-end-+-movie+ova-14-dvd-samurai-x-d2c6.jpg

He is such a handsome creature huh *sighing and drooling of Kenshin Himura* no wonder many female fans of anime love him so much including me though i am not an anime lover. Actually I do have a big penchant over Japanese historical esp Samurai. I dont know it might due to our past time *Japan was one of the countries ever "stayed" in  Indonesia thus why my irks arise to know why they did what they do and i stumbled upon their history* And it was developed well when i was a student and my mamah gave us an allowances that me and my siblings *those cra#y bunch choose to collect the money to buy or rent a book including Musashi by Eiji Yoshikawa. It is so romantic and touch my deepest hart. I dont say romantic in the sense of love among the lover but the concept of beauty in life has been represented nicely there.I read it when i was about 12 years old. And still until today i love it. You can check here http://books.google.co.id/books/about/Musashi.html?id=FWNor84X_vQC&redir_esc=y this book is consist of some sequels *in Indonesia i believe it was divided into 4 or 5 thickly books* The title are following the hands movement of those ninja Earth, Water, Fire, Wind, and Lightening. The way these books touch my heart and thought are like the ole literature that i read when i was at school *daydreaming of those great books.* Knowing those good books can only remind me once again about the lost of those wonderful culture and society. No i do not say the ole time is always good. But i think it will be wonderful if the ole and the new era can combine their goodness. Since something that we often found from the ole generation but almost lost in the new generation, goodness, kindness, gallantry, and being modest. I do not know is it due to modernity, technology or what. It seems the good ole ways are loosing their feet among us nowadays. Whether they have norms, religions or conscious, people nowadays steer to be so different and create their own ways of thinking. So is it true this is the last era of this mother earth? The apocalypse that has been dread by many people but we help in fastening up the speed to come? Wallahu allam bissawab.  

I Just Want to.....

Dear Lord Ya Allah Ya Rabb....
I just want to sleep
To pay my sleepless nights before
In case You want to know more

Please lets have a discussion
For nothing is better than talking
Who knows You can give me the solution
Rather than i commit a celibacy with sleeping

No, Ya Haqq The Merciful
Not trying to be a pompous one
But these distant between me and sleeping is horrible
So please do give it back in whole

My ability to sleep soundly again amen.......

Note - this is an ole lullaby that is famous in Indonesia....the lyric is simple but the music is soothing

Hiding

Hiding
Covering
Closing
Wrapping

Those are what i do

Masking
Facading
Forgeting
Ebbing away

Those are what i hope

Laying for all to see the wounds, the scratches and the ruptures those are the fact
No ending, at least for now.
It will somehow
Just keep on counting the tick tock
And it will be stopped and locked

An Easy Way Out

Sometimes giving up and drowning myself in the bleakness is like a heaven sent
But sent by who? Or by what?
How nice if everything is as simple as the old time
But even in those times it was never easy

Lets put a different facade on each time so at least it is not showing the real fact
The bleed and strains i put the efforts to go by

One little baby step till the gateway is opening widely
Can i wait or the temptations are too much?

Today

Hi do you realize that our self is the cruelest judge ever for our own mistakes? I have known it for sometime but somehow this kind of self-destruction is so difficult to be stopped or held. In most cases when i have a problem, the judge, prosecutor, defender is me but the portion of the judge and prosecutor are bigger than as the defender. Somehow in my corrupted mind i consider myself as the lowest part of human in doing those mistakes that caused the imaginary court arises in my personal world. Is it due to the concept of Id, Ego and Super Ego by Sigmund Freud jiaaaaaah noooo its not even related at all. My haywire brain cant grab those things. Wow Allah Ya Rabb is soooo smart huh for creating a smart guy like Sigmund Freud ckckckck...so why i cant be as sharp as him ya *tapping the chin slowly* arghhhhh....my straying brain sowiiiii. So back to our topic, yes my courtroom is a hell on earth for me. No mercy no flippancy no cutting half, it goes directly to my throat....arghhhh *pose like a dying villain in Shakespearean era*

And today i am so fantastically green -because i love green so the word green in here is not for envy but its for sad- due to some problems come to my corner in the same time. Plus i need to put up cheerful acts for all to see so they wont feel worry or pity on me -unemployed, getting older with no future -in here you will be considered a settle person when you have a house, a family of your own, a car, a job to boost you up-, getting sick, etc etc. But tonight i want to be myself with all my worries but who is the best one to see me down? One of my exes ever said that opening and sharing to people close to us is exhilarating.....not in my case. The impact will be more restrains, more eyes to be there before you fall, more interferes etc etc that in the end i will feel that if i can keep my big mouth, they wont be so alert and vigilant with nee like i am a China's vase. The Ming one. So the courtroom is arising in the full power; the blaming, the accusation, the sadness, the condemnation and in the end only His way can soothe my broken soul. Knowing that purity and perfection are His Belonging, we as His object can only try to be like what He said toward His Prophets, subhannallah astaghfirullah.

Thus why sometimes keep it inside and bottle it up is the best while waiting the best time to come to Him. Better to come to Him before i start to punish myself for being a troublemaker in my family and loved one. Including toward my Raminku..i am sowiiii.

PS - yes the song may not be related but somehow only this song stuck in my head when i got this problem last night...

Mourning

Life is just a long path but a short time journey before eternity.

When we lost someone who do we call ourself?
We call ourself the mourners due to the mourning period that is bestowed upon us by the society and the norms

Drabbing ourself in black, white or any color that represents the lost we are numb
A numbness that should be asked again about the originality

As the mourners we mingle with the atmosphere and nuance to deal with the emptiness inside
Those feelings intertwine with other visitors' emotion create a colossal drama for each demise

But do you realize that the burial is not for the mourners

The burial is not the place for them to show their lost

The burial is not a stage for them to overboard others' lost or sadness just to show other people how lost they are over the demise

No, it is not even closely, since it is for him.....who lost his chance to say goodbye to all of you before his last breath....
It is for him....to 'see' all of you before he is 5' under the ground
Remember him for his good deeds and pray for his eternity's journey

http://www.wattpad.com/3369340-mourning

Note - I put this poem in wattpad few months ago and it seems tonight it is a good reminder for my lost of someone so "bright" in her short span of life in this world. Rest in peace Fifi may Allah bless you the best place there amen. Inna illahi wa inna illaihi roji'un

Peddycab's Driver

Since i was a kid i do love to go with this transportation. Its so refreshing due to the cold breeze that i can feel dancing on my face, and also somehow this traditional transportation can bring a lot of things in my life. By sitting in it i can experience many phases in life that i normally do not feel in a modern time. I can enjoy the rythm in my beloved city Surabaya from a slow point though my surroundings are so crazy and hectic with activities. I can fuse with the calmness of the becak's driver. With the additional special music from the rolling wheels and the friction from the tyres with the asphalt and all the rickety noises....heaven.

In my city this type of becak is for goods and especially for the green grocer's sellers. See the seat position of the driver, its higher to help him in seeing the road in case the goods are piling high.
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1290/845534838_464d58bdc2.jpg

And today as usual i choose to go with becak though i can go with the cab. I always feel that sharing my transportation's fees with as various transportation as i can find is good for my conscience hahaha. And i choose this old man, too bad i am too ashamed in asking his name. And if you believe that i am a shy person, then you will also believe that a pig does fly lol. enough with my straying....let me continue. This nice and respectful guy is from Lamongan one of the cities in East Java, around 43 km from Surabaya. he was born in Lamongan and finds his fortune in Surabaya as a becak's driver. Somehow i got a little bit flabbergasted when he said that he is 67 years old. I mean he looks much older than that -i compare with my papah, he is 76 years old. I got speechless. He is already lost some agilities but he is willing to work with his fragile bones to pedal the becak to wherever we want to go. Subhanallah.....Allah Ya Rabb....may we the young generation can learn something from his humble self.

Even while he pedaled, he answered all my silly questions.

Now i believe you start to ask my cruelness in choosing him as my driver. Well lets see, in my opinion, he is on the street because he has too much dignity to be a parasite for his kids and waiting for nothing except for dying. So why we dont help him by choosing him to go as long as its not in rush, not too far, and dont forget the tips. And the last is make it sure your weight is not too heavy lol. Seeing this i asked some questions toward him and the more i talked to him, the more i respect him. With his age, he still respects younger people like me. He tilted down the becak so i can put my heavy self nicely *such a gentleman huh* he spoke very polite in a very good intonation and educated vocabularies though i can still trace his original accent. Subhanallah.....so very different with some cabbie's drivers that i met, though not all mind you. Alas.....most people do lost their human instincts because of modernity. Hope to see these kind of becak's driver again and again. if you want to find him while you are in Surabaya, do go to Gubeng Street in front of Shiloam hospital. He is always waiting passenger there.   

posing in front of his becak proudly.

Check this site if you want to know more about becak.
http://id.wikibooks.org/wiki/Profil_Becak_di_Indonesia/Sejarah_perkembangan_becak_di_Indonesia

Post Hectic Blurs

Funny how easy for a human to switch their habit when the drive is strong.....now i wake up leaizurely....doing my things slowly while enjoying this lil heaven of mine pseudo as an un-employed stage. But Rabb i am not complaining...nor i want to beg more than what i can chew now.


I can do what i was planning on long long time ago. Room's major repairements, heavy cleaning and just breathin in and out as a homey person rather than being a homey person on every weekend like what i did before.

Now i am enjoying my late brekkie-a glass of cereal- listening to this song...and planning what i can do to create jobs and money without killing my youth slowly but deathly....

Aku, Kamu dan Cinta-Nya

Dear.....ini aku dengan hatiku yang terbelah membuncah dengan rasa

Yang....ini aku dengan keakuanku yang menganggap hatiku adalah untukmu
Honey.....bukankah hatimu adalah milikku dan hatiku adalah milikmu?

Lalu dimanakah DIA berada Schatz?
Dimanakah kuselipkan cinta termegahku untuk-Nya?

Kamupun berujar....Beib hatimu dan dirimu adalah milikku
Waktu dan nafasmu untukku seorang

Lalu dimana kau letakkan cinta Rabb-mu Lovie?
Di kedalaman hati yang mana kan kau selipkan cinta terbesarmu untuk-Nya itu?

The Finale Curtain

My last day of working in my little heaven on earth is over. The most dreading moment -saying goodbye- was over on 31st of October 4 days ago. Though it was a sad one at least it was not as gruesome like what i had picture in my head, alhamdulillah. To spare my blue and sad feeling I even stay away from my lappy for sometimes to avoid my bottle up emotions to spill out without any guidance. My giant man said that enjoying something in their own pace times are better than doing it in rush. So those were what i was doing, staying in my lair while licking my wounds of my own creations.

These things are something that we as a human doesnt learn again and again. That somehow we dread something that might not be as horrifying as what we thought. I was worry over my own emotions and alhamdulillah its not as saddening as that. I was worry that if i quit from my previous job then i will be crazy like a headless chicken. Well alhamdulillah since i choose the decision because of Him, i feel fine and already get some offers in some short time jobs, subhanallah alhamdulillah.

I hope it will be another learning process for me and hopefully for you to my lovelies. Life is not as unpredictable as what we thought or as horrifying as what plan out as long as you have Him. And believe me you can change the word HIM in here as much as you want to. It can be your God, your belief, your conscious, your money, your lover or whatever and whomever. Just hold Him dear and start to be tuma'ninah* with it. For me because i am a moslem so He represents my Rabb, my Greatest Lover, my Allah the Only Being for me. One thing is for sure, do everything in life with a lot of convictions and trust.....so even when the finale curtain is dropping down, you are still standing still and tall *starting humming Conte Partiro* 

notes:
tuma'ninah - a peacefull and serene act usualy it is used to relate with a prayer act

Panda's Eyes

Hi do you realise that when we cry most of us will look so blotchy, swollen, and dont forget reddish nose and skin. So why in the world most of the romance's authors from the crinoline's* era up to the short pants era still use those lines about how lovely and attractive are the heroines are in her crying stages, snifflings daintily and still can create a havoc in the heroes' hearts? Why do those authors give a false fact toward us? believe me i never see someone cries so perfectly. And especially for me, when i cry to much i lost my abilities in breathing lol. So you can imagine those 1st - 2nd lines there plus the fish's pose of opening and closing the mouth hahaha. Well the crying was happening on my last day of working in my job. And though i already said to my head, yes i do talk with my heaad sometimes though those shrubs are impossible sometimes, shouldnt apply eyeliner on my eyes, but did you think my head heeded that notion? Nooooo, it didnt. So i did my make up as usual and applied the eyeliner. So after the first crying i projected the nice pic of Panda's eyes lol. Here we go folks....the living proof of nee with a pair of panda's eyes.

So gals, please make it sure, wear only eyeliners and mascara when you are not going to cry....its embarassing enough with the blotchy and the puffy eyes without the addition of blackened eyes.