Illness

This is the first time and i hope the last time i share these horrible worries to outsider. Do forgive me to be honest with myself and to whomever you are. I just want to spill the guts before I face the reality. Whatever the reality is that I must uphold.


Mmmmmm I am sick. Yes, I am sick with these creepy worries that sometimes comes upon me without any warning. Today i am worry to get a toothache. So worry that even my zikir* doesnt help me to get a peacefulness. In this kind of event I often feel ashame with Allah. I commit myself to Him. I pledge my life to Rabb Ya Allah, but I lost my footing over a worrisome matter like that????? What kind of moslem I am? Where is my serenity over His plans and creations? Where is my faith to Him?

Those condemnations are bombarding me all the time when I have my inner battle. The battle that I hope to win in every moment. I may not be a sufi*. I may not be a saint. But I definitely will try to repressed those selfish thinkings for my peace of mind.


Notes :
Zikir - a way for Moslem people to worship Allah in His names.
Sufi - a path of live in which the person are not being wordly, due to their ways in worshiping the Lord.
PS these meanings are being taken and written from nee's strawberries brain. Do forgive in case there are wrongness.

Somehow

From talking with someone yesterday, I realize an old understanding that i got from my grandfather, Allah rest him in peace, who told me that each of us do shape based on the things that the person believes is the best one. A grumpy person might have a belief that his or her grumpiness is something he or she must do as a defense's of a mechanism to avoid them from getting hurt. While someone who is so cheerful actually its another mechanism in protecting the person from nosy people, problems, or themselves.

Just like other creatures on this Universe, we do have a mechanism device to protect ourself from getting something that we dislike. But unfortunately we get deceived by our inner side that somehow we could not find the path into the real of us behind the mechanism devices that we have been applied for ages. So, who are we actually?