Total Pageviews

Monday, 31 December 2012

Happiness VS Sadness

Hi our life, there are many happy moments that can only give us a gaga expression, speechless and somehow a palpitating heart that might bring you into the cardiac unit lol. And before these 2 days, i always thought that a happiness that we have or get actually has the opposite part in someone in this world. So i always hold myself from being overboard in my happiness because then my opposite part *the one who gets the sadness* will get it abundantly also. And thinking that someone gets "too much sadness" just because of me it is something that i cant stomach astaghfirullah. But there is a lil tinny detail that i havent thought even before i write this part. Who am i? Dare to think that i am the one who put a control over others' welfare??? Astaghfirullah....astaghfirullah....astaghfirullah, Ya Rabb the Define Being, The Lover of all forgive this humble subject of Yours.
Alhamdulillah Schatz-ku was discussing these things with me last night. Somehow i just realise again that every thought in a knowledge that you have should be discussed bout to avoid any wrongness in doing. That 2 heads are better than 1 head, its true.

Well Lovies, 2012 is almost over, and 2013 will come, allow me to say May Allah protect us all from the bad things in the next year amien.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012


INFERIORITY - a story from the past

Tonight in my miserable corner i remember a good romance story from an Indonesian author Maria A.Sardjono. In that story the heroine concluded and said something that i still remember till now. She said that your ways in treating yourself oftentimes shown up in the opposite ways that others might read it differently, alhamdulillah if it is for a better good and astaghfirullah for a worse part lol. In the book she wrote that in a couple when 1 of them is trying to show attention abundantly it might be a sign that the party does not feel secure with the feelings that the partner has. And somehow i cross check this theory of marketing haha get lost already Lovies? Do not be ya....for up to know i wish to be a great marketer in which i am fail, and good in reading people, somehow not really perfect lol.

So back again with the opposite mirroring *that is what i call for the 1st theory" and the theory of marketing, actually are very much related though the objects and the aims are different. But do not forget that those 2 different cases have only 1 core....happiness. One is happiness in getting a lot of money and the other is happiness in being loved back as much as we love....subhannallah. So what is your path to the main core aka happiness? Let Rahmatan lil 'allamin be your path toward His eternity happiness. Wallahu allam bissawab.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

The Hollow Inside

Sometimes in our life we feel like there is a big black hole that is blocking our universe, though it only resides in our heart, in our mind, or only in our imagination. But that hole can eat us alive if we do not do anything. Then how? How to close it? By sewing a piece of cloth over it? Naaa, it is not a tear on your clothes. By sticking some glued paper? Well can not since it is not a kite. By welding it with some metal object? No kidding lovies.....this is not a machine. And you just have to talk to Him....asking Him to help from this greyish what i have now.

Demi Waktu

Setelah sekian lama berbahasa Inggris, sungguh kali ini saya ingin mencoba menulis berbahasa Indonesia. Terasa janggal saat menuliskan kata "saya" karena tampak terlalu baku. Tapi bila saya ganti dengan "aku" akan terasa terlalu sksd "Sok Kenal Sok Dekat" lol. Okaaay bismillah....

Hari ini seharusnya hari yang menyenangkan karena biarpun libur sudah menjadi suatu yang "membahana cethar bagi setiap orang" tapi bagi saya selalu istimewa. Karena hanya di hari libur, mba mengijinkan saya menentukan menu makanan dan meminta apapun yang saya minta *grinning evilly* Dan hari inipun tiada yang berbeda. Sayangnya, Hapit harus mengambil hadiah karena telah memenangkan sebuah lomba wa wa wa dari sebuah tabloid yang cukup ternama. Dan kami harus mengambilnya di sebuah Mall besar disini.

Acara diberitahukan akan dibuka mulai pukul 11.00 wib. But o la la.....mereka baru membuka pada saat pukul 12 lebih dengan pembukaan, nyanyian yang tidak begitu hapal dan pembawa acara yang memaksakan diri seperti Barbie bersuara melengking tinggi *gosh forgive me Allah for they are Your creatures also* buuutt saya yang sudah berangkat dengan pemikiran akan melakukan sholat di Mall tersebut dan begitu bertanya kepada pihak panitia dijawab "Maaf Bu, kami tidak tahu dimana mushallanya." Saya sedikit kaget. Mereka melihat hampir keseluruhan peserta yang hadir memakai jilbab. Dan mereka memulai acara yang seharusnya dibuka pukul 11, baru mereka mulai setelah pukul 12??? Lalu dimana mereka pikir kami melakukan sholatnya?

Goooosh kebodohan saya yang pertama, mengharapkan pihak panitia mempunyai tingkat ketangkasan yang piawai dalam mengatur waktu.....TIDAK. Mereka tidak saja bertele-tele tapi juga berkesan kurang bisa mengatur waktu dengan baik. Membuat saya berpikir....apakah kita semua begitu meremehkan waktu apalagi bila waktu itu bukanlah milik kita. Hingga pukul 4 tiada tanda-tanda akan adanya pemberian hadiah untuk Hapit....saya datangi pihak panitia dan subhanallah mereka hanya minta maaf karena; kami kehilangan kesempatan sholat tepat waktu, makan siang tepat waktu dll dsb. Sungguh kebodohan yang kesekian kalinya. Ya Allah ternyata kebodohan dan rasa sungkan hanya membawa kita pada titik merugi, merugi yang terbesar adalah waktu.

Demi waktu....

Saturday, 22 December 2012

My Jilbab.....

Well lovies....tonight i just read a blog that has been given by My Heart. And somehow my fingers stop in one of the uploads about jilbab, hejab, or hijab with the title . Somehow it is related to my previous discussion with one of my bff *insyaallah and lets hope she thinks of me as dear as that* sheeesh back to the topic. Directly my mind goes back to about 23 years ago. When the issue of Jilbab started to be one of the issues in my family and society.

In Indonesia, jilbab in early 80's was a reason to be frowned upon. As a student i often saw a discrimination, insult, degradation, and sometimes mockery on the faces of other people in seeing those  great girls who are willing to "fight" for their rights in wearing it subhanallah.

My sister is the 1st woman in my life who wears this Muslimah costume. At that time she was about 17 yo. She studied in a government school that must follow the rules of our government at that time. She could not wear it inside the school vicinity. And the 1st day she started to wear it, she was called by her headmaster to sign some formal forms filled with all of craps that stating that the school does not allow any kind of rebellion's act that the student enact in following her religion's belief. The school will not hold any kind of responsibilities for the female student who wears it bla bla bla. Some of these female warriors were going to the courtroom to get a justice for this silliness but as we could predict. It was a fail case. Those female students must quit from the school or they must let go the Jilbab. Four of them choose to quit from that "wonderful school" and moved to Islamic private schools. Such a sad moment for all the Jilbabers, since based on my sister story, the pressure was so hard. Mockery from peers and teachers were such a constant activity. Common joke from all people toward the Jilbabers was giving in a salam but they used it in their snickering tone. So the people mocked the great words *reminding me bout our discussion just now with Schatz-ku bout how joke's perception of us can hurt other people*of salam and the Jilbabers will still reply in a good intention of giving them doa...subhanallah. was happening in a country that most of the people is Islam. So where is the tolerant and understanding?

Then afterward 3 years after this event, i started to follow her step since i was thinking that the situation was starting to be under control. Unfortunately it was not true. The first day i wore it, the security hold me back in entering the school vicinity. I must wait outside the gate and wait for my headmaster to come. Well they didnt treat me like a criminal but definitely as a pariah lol. I even can picturing myself standing outside my gate and holding the bars with my tinny fingers tightly like a refugee hahaha *infuse the sarcasm please* And since it is Indonesia soooo the headmaster was coming quite late. He reprimanded me because i did not follow the rules by contacting him first when i choose to wear Jilbab. Somehow i was a lil bit aghast in hearing the words full of spittle from the headmaster *no wonder my peers called him as a spittle dragon* i just wished i brought an umbrella when he fired his spittle lol. Honestly it was not a happy and cheerful moment but Lovies you do not need to know bout the pains.

And now....after about 23 years of wearing it....i can see back that this is my path. Coming out my jahiliyah state (* read before wearing jilbab, and following this path. It might not be a path full of roses but definitely enjoyable ride. The humiliations, degradation, mockeries, insults and su'udzon insyaallah are being there for a reason.

Friday, 21 December 2012

When You Say....

When You say You love me.....
The world goes still, so still inside and
When You say You love me
In that moment, i know why i'm alive

When You say You love me
Do You know how i love You?

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Such Wonderful Lyric

Thanks to Uut since she is the one who introduces me with this song and love it till now....there is always a gentle man for each of us lovies.....believe me.


I have been realising that women's voice is like a siren sometimes though i do admit there are some voices from my own sex that are quite annoying, but unfortunately the owners of the voice do not realise it lol. Well as long as i am not hearing it too often it is okaaaay dokaaaay hurraaaay. Back to the first line from my writing, i have known it for many years. Well i might be an ignorant if i just say that only some men who think like that. That they are pervert. That they are just trying to find an excuse to blame others while they cant control their carnal thoughts. Until today...when someone said bout it in the most simple and humble way...that i cant ignore it anymore. Ya Allah Ya Rabb do forgive Your humble creation in exhilarating herself in ignorance these years and hiding to her own persistence just to do what she wants to do...astaghfirullah. And do forgive those poor souls men and women who drooled toward this matter, amien.

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Minnies Me

Minnies me.......
May Allah Ya Rabb bless all the wonderfull things Loves
This ole body may not be there when you are growing up into a beautiful woman like your mom
Or a strong handsome man like your father
But my prayers go always till the end Loves....happy birthday the part of me

Friday, 14 December 2012

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood by Nina Simone

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood
by Nina Simone
Written by B. Benjamin/S.Marcus/C.Caldwell

Baby, You understand me now
If sometimes you see that i'm mad
Don't You know that no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong, You see some bad.

But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good;
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

You know sometimes, baby, i'm so carefree
with a joy that's hard to hide.
And then sometimes it seems again that all i have is worry,
and then you're bound to see my other side.

But i'm just a soul whose intentions are good;
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

If i seem edgy,
I want You to know,
I never meant to take it out on You.
Life has its problems,
and i get more than my share;
but that's one thing i never mean to do
'cause i love you.

Oh baby, i'm just  human.
Don't you know i have faults like anyone?
Sometimes i find myself alone regretting
Some little foolish thing;
Some simple thing that i've done.

But i'm just a soul whose intentions are good;
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

Don't let me be misunderstood.
I try so hard,

So don't let me be misunderstood.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

I Want To Hold Your Hands

The title gives the right shouting already......will You?

Socks....It Is A Magick Thing

Socks....Its A Magick Thing

I am kind of person who loves cute things one way or the others. My interest in collecting something in which also the first stone of shopaholic though in a small dose that in the end might end up in compulsive buying or even hoarding was mapped out in the early age of 10 years old. Gosh how i hated my incompetence in seing cutey things before that day but i wish now i am still as naive as before that day.

Just like a slow motion m-vie though definitely not the kind of Fast and Furious kind of movies, one of my buddies approached me and showed me a piece of fragrance paper with cutey pic in the corner. I wish to have the knowledge now how horrible is her act now. *gasping like a fish on the pavement* She that i even already forget her name said that i must buy the piece of cutey from her. And if i wanted to have more than i must buy more so i can exchange with the others collectors *note the sarcasm please* so that was the day when a label as a consumptive buyer has been stamped on my head. I feel like a befallen angel now *grumbling slowly* i do wish to erase that horrifying day in my life's plat but it is impossible. Just like a befallen angel....i stuck stumble and fall in the fake glory of consumptive needs from 1 reason to the others. Like a cancer the spreading is very fast, i was never enough., from collecting silly smell paper into pencil, from books up to the latest one is.....*play the drum in here please* a pair of sock. Now tell me how low can i stumble? I think that is pretty you know why most of the tenants of the hell will be women, no pun intended for all the women since i am also one of you...we spent money for nothing while many people need it for essential things in their life subhanalllah.....pray for all of women and all people folks...

Monday, 10 December 2012

They Say

They say.....i say.....
They tell....i telll.....
Basically every aspect in life has two sides of the coin.
It depends on which side will you hold dear

And though it is dear....will you let it go for a better side?
well you must, for live is dynamic, its not a static

Move on if you think it is the right one
Hold on if you know it is the best one
Whatever you choose just let Him guides you
For i wont be here as much as He is

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Things For My Babies

Babies, life is never easy for everyone, but a girl will always faces some difficult moments.
The moments will come to your life whether you like it or not, whether you are ready or not.

I faced my battles and fights without any guidance.
I cried my crying wars without any exemplary roles.

But, you are not alone lovies, for i am here for all of you.
My battered soul is here for you to use.

When the pains of maturity are striking you, put your head high, for i will hold your back.
When the pains of pettiness from others are too much, use my strength to build up your defense.
When the broken hearts are tearing you up, do not cry lovies, they are just simply not the right one, for i am sure your right one is there in the corner when you are ready.

I may never reach a motherhood due to my lack of ability, but do use me as your shield like a mother should be. use me like a diary, as you feel it worth. I am here lovies, if you need me, never feel alone and lonely.
For Allah ya Rabb creates this beautiful earth-ardhun as your playground, with all your beauties as the interiors.

So never let anything make you down lovelies, never.....

Note – I uploaded this mumble jumble 7 months ago in wattpad, I upload it here now due to a bully story that I just read….hope no girl out there must face some bullies by herself.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Missing You

Hi You, i miss You. I cant say anything because it might degrade what i feel inside. But i miss You. Whether You are here or there, the feelings are still the same. I miss You. No other excuse or explanation, i.miss.You. My heart is barreling out to say "i miss You."
And, do You miss me like i miss You?

Friday, 7 December 2012

Hatiku Kosong

Ya Allah Ya Rabb-ku
Hambamu bertekuk lutut di hadapan-Mu
Dengan segala kebingungan hati ini

Ya Rabb....
Ini hati Kau titipkan pada tubuh yang Kau pinjamkan ini
Sungguh rentan Ya Allah....hamba terseyok

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan kami
Andai ada toko tukar tambah yang Kau buka 24 jam 365.5 hari
Ingin rasanya hamba pergi kesana tuk menukarkan hati busuk hamba-Mu dengan yang baru

Ya Rabb Pemilik Segala Isi...
Ingin ku berdoa tukarlah hati hamba dengan sebongkah hati yang lebih kuat hingga saat Kau panggil nantinya

Since there is a request from someone that i hold dear in my heart bout the upload into here it goes, though it might not fulfilling enough since translating Bahasa into English needs more understanding and knowledge in which i dont admit to have...bismillah..

My Empty Heart

Ya Allah Ya Rabb
Your servant is kneeling down in front of You
With all the confusions in her heart

Ya Rabb....
This is the heart that You left to be taken care of by this fragile body that you lent it to me
Ya Allah....this servant of Yours is stumbling

Ya Allah Ya Our Lord
Were there an exchanging store that You open for 24 hours 365.5 days
This servant of Yours will wish to go there to replace this rotten heart of her with the new one

Ya Rabb Ya Haqq of the all ...
Wish to pray to exchange this lame heart of Your servant with a stronger heart till the day You call upon her name in the later days.

I and i

If you are a kind of person who pays attention toward diction you might raise your eyebrows for the way i am writing in this blog, actually in daily basis i also write like these lol. And somehow i have a small little hope that someone or some readers might be brave enough to ask my reason in foregoing all the diction rules in writing sheeesh *borrowing Frankie's expression, back to my topic. I write this blog as a way of running away from any censorship by showing or sharing my way of thinking. Everything is with a special reason from me. Though it sounds so full of myself in stating what i am thinking and belief, but i beg you differ, this is my secluded place of myself to be me, nee. Without feeling worry to be censored, reprimanded, or even mocked by my acquaintances or friends or family or even foes lol.

But honestly i do have a lil tinny bit of hope someone will ask or even dare to talk bout my diction, and finally last night someone that is dear to me *i dont mention who incase it will create un-easiness* said that the way i write my - i - is somehow maybe referring to my way of thinking bout myself, maybe? Though he does capture my way of writing not from the blog but from our daily emails. And how right it is. Though it is not 100% right. I write it that way because in myself i disagree how English put i in a capital way, while in Javanesse we must put others in a highlight of importance in the way of addressing or writing. Besides that i never feel that i am important enough to be put in a capital. Well yes i got a thought to be thought that i cant mix the Javanesse essence's way of speaking and writing with English. Its not like nasi campur - mix rice one of my fav food. Its a big no no to mix those 2 cultures lol. Well at least i know that one of my readers is paying attention enough to correct me and put me in the place. I hope others are willing to do the same......


more or less this is how you can imagine Nasi Campur - mixed rice with some side dishes though i only choose this simple things on my plate.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Green Is Nee

Hi i am nee....i am addicted with green colors



Here is the cat that has been capturing my heart on his lovely paws for some months. Yes Lovies....You are right. He is a cat, but do not get it wrong. Merkunyik is a tough cat. This stray cat came in front of my boarding room's door one day. He came with all his scratches, wounds and bruises that were taken from his personal wars. Yes, living in the street is a tough world, but he makes it folks. He is a survival. He came in his limped state, thin and coarse furs. And suddenly i fall in love with him. He brightens up my days.....i think now i do experience by myself that having a pet especially for a single person or sick people will lengthened their ages and reduce their stress. It is true alhamdulillah....*saying like a great testimonial person in ad*

Unfortunately, my love to him is not followed by his feelings. Yes he is coming to my sister and me for meals, but never for cuddles huwaaaaaa *picturing lil ole nee cries please* he doesnt want to be cuddle. He likes our touches but not so much. Maybe it is related to his manly vigor or whatever *rolling the eyes* Then 2 days ago we were soooo surprised, he came to our door, did not want to go out and slept for 15 whole minutes on our place *dancing for a victory* so these are his poses. So humiliating for his manly vigor, but at least i can feel relax since he cant open this blog. For i have not invited him yet lol.....

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

My Oh.....My

Tonight was started in a very nice event. I met my ex workmates in a social chatroom that is quite famous nowadays in Indonesia. Everybody who is someone will have it on their gadgets. It is like "a must have" list. Do noted here i do not infuse a sarcasm due to my action in having this lil thing that i mentioned above lol. Am i being a double standard person??? Definitely yes lovies, i am hehe at least in this case, that case, those cases hahaha now you catch me red handed.

Back to the topic then i realize how often we have these emptiness inside after such a great time just because you finaly know that for your short happiness you have hurt others? For the so called nice time you were eating your brothers/sisters' meat - ghibah? Subhanallah astaghfirullah astaghfirullah much as i love the silaturrohmi now i am questioning myself. Why i did those horrible things whenever the chances arise? Why cant i be the sound of wisdom in the dire of needs? Why i am so lame while i am not a novice on these kind of occasions? Why Ya Allah Ya Rabb the taste leaves bitter one on me now? Ya Rabb The Lord of the Merciful, forgive us, forgive them and forgive me. I am lost in this battle.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

A Thought To Be Shared

I got a snippet from my dear one bout his upload in one  of his blogs. And this thought is something that maybe many people do not realize it, including me. Or maybe you know it but never thought it. Whatever it is without any ado....if you read my blog it means you will also like this one. A new knowledge is always good read it


You said we have to come to You in our needs
But i am too stubborn to heed it
You said we will be granted everything within our right
But i ignore it too

You said we must believe on Your plans
And i do believe in them
You said the path that You gave might be difficult
And i do believe in them too

But why my mouth, feet, brain and heart are so "arrogant" in following those?
Why cant i be such a whining clingy soul toward You?
Were there some differences among us that You created?
Am i not "those perfect" objects that are including the chosen one?

I want to come to You
I want to bare my shattered soul
But i am ashamed Duh Gusti....i am ashamed
My souls and heart are only full of this world's problems
I am ashamed My Rabb.....astaghfirullah i am ashamed for being shattered because of mundane things 

Monday, 3 December 2012

How Do I Love Thee

Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
from Sonnets from the Portuguese

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men might strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith
With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Who do you think "thee" in here? When i was a student in Poetry 1 up to 4, i always felt so warm and tingle every time i read it since i was thinking it was purely a love poem. But now i rethink it over, esp if we read her bio, the way she devoted her life in literature, religion and her family. Go check on the link there you can find what i mean here. So different is our mind when we were still young and when we are getting older is. It might be wrong what i think now....she is the one who knows well what is it....100%.