Hmmmm

I just read a comment in one of my favourite writers' blogs. In there one of the followers commented bout a relationship. And how awful a relationship can be when both parties are going awry with their directions.

These are the thoughts that have been haunting me lately. Just like a broken faucet in the bathroom. It gives me plick plack plack sounds whenever my eyes are having a strike and dont want to sleep like at this moment.

Lately i do realise that i am too clingy to my lover. Well i wish i am not showing it too much or coming too strongly to him, mind you, no man in their right minds are willing to be hound by an amazon lady, though she is only 1.48 m. I repeat it again NO....ONE.

Showing my heart, devotions, and loves to him, actualy is just another way to put me in 6' under the ground....thats what i always feel when i broken up in my relationship. Not that i am thinking bout killing myself or something so noble like a harakiri. Nooooo, i am too coward to meet My Maker by breaking HIS rules. What i mean is more to the way i "kill" any relationship with my own deeds. Just like the song from Queen, Too Much Love Will Kill you, though in my case it is in a roundway bout.

Sooo after reading those words and comments, i feel i do get a revelation. Like everything is meant to be sheeeesh......what i mean, then i do realise some things:

1. Relationship is never for me. I get confuse with the rules and regulations of it. The words/acts that we can or couldnt do are so confusing. Thats why i even think that all of these are a big conspiracy toward nee. That all single people in pre-world life ever had a special training in heaven with all the text books and the slides to give them a lesson how to start, have and enjoy a relationship. And guess what? I did not join it. Maybe they just forgot to invite me puuuufffhhh....

2. Showing too much love toward your lover is a big no no, especially if you are a woman, and last time i went to the bathroom, i was a woman soooo....i must not overdo it.

3. Asking their whereabouts are just not only showing your concerns and attentions. But mostly you are starting to be like a warden tries to shackle your "capture" euuuuy no wonder i never have a long lasting lover. But nooooo, my first lover dumped me since he is soooo afraid his family found out how many pierces that i have lol, my second one is...aih aih....spilling the beans nee???? Silly gal.

Now come to the last question, by writing these thoughts, do i understand something? Noooooo. Do i able to sleep???? Noooooot yet.....lol.

Numb

Have you ever felt a numbness that is seeping in from your toes go to your brain? You saw those "lil white soldiers" march on your veins to capture the whole of us. There is no more nee. Only a carcass that is left there to be dump like a dummy.

But i am not a dummy though somehow i do feel like a dumb. Since only a dumb get the same problem again and again.

Should i be angry with my self over it? Yes i will, but not now. Not when i feel so helpless and numb.

But i will, i will snap out of this limbo state. I need to grab for my sanity back.

If people out there just look for differences while you look for the beauty of those differences, you are not a freak, nee. It doesnt mean you are a pathetic romantic one also. Its not. It is just you. Be brave my love, for others are not as worth as my love toward you.

Its not the time to crumble now, March is coming. You need all your strength to move on, for that day.

Without them, you still have me, nee.

Pit Pat Put

I am in my usual condition now. In the corner of my life, in my uncertainty emotions. In my hollow feeling.

The feeling of being un-worthy for others, wory to be left behind, wory too much to be a burden, and most of all feelin so sensitive over anything and everything.

I wish i can blame my med...in which has been stopped ages ago. Or blame my PMS..which one?? Or my natural basketcase traits?

Will someone cater me into the white jacket condition??? Puhleazzzzzzz dont...i am not that crazy. A lil bit demented due to my rants and whines, mayhap. But definitely not loosing a grip here.

I am what i am, no need to call a shrink to dig my past. I take the whole resposible toward all my actions.

But ya Allah....i am better to go away from population. Since it seems whatever i do, is always rub people in the wrong way, though it is not my intention.....never.

Now, i can only pit pat put with my heart to wait for the grovel to pound to give me the verdict due to my different things that i have to hold. Subhanallah....praise to Allah.

But Darlin I'd Still Catch A Grenade For Ya....

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
You know i'd do anything for ya

And those are the refrain part of a song that i fall in love to at this moment. Since last night my playlist is only playing this song by Bruno Mars - Grenade. The lyric is so horrible harsh but somehow when i listen the emotion of Bruno in singing it, his ways in performing it and also the music......OMG i am just hooked, sank, and lined with it.

Even in my splitting head condition now, i still listen it and i do hope to be able to stand up and shaking my body to this melodious song.

And i'd jump on the train for ya
You know i'd do anythin for ya
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight to my brain......

Is It?

People said that love is an exhilarating feeling that can give and bring all the positive things from a human. Even a bum like nee ;p whom the highest dream is just to make people happy even if the payment is to be mocked or laughed bout.

But what i experience so far are not so close with those picturesque things we read or see in romance stories. Where the heroines are being swept away by their knights in shining armour, and they ride the horse to sunset to find their happily ever after and the end. Oh noooooo those are the combination between my chick's flicks and Lucky Luke the comic strips lol.

Well at least i think all of us have a perfect scene and script to their romance stories or love in this life. A child will hope to have a perfect love from her/his parents. A mommy will have a dream to get the greatest love from her children though she never hopes in their acts. A man will hope to find a great woman to be shacked *sowi in using vulgar word* about, looked upon, brought with in public, and such a great mother for their children. Euuuuuy those are the dreams, de sein versus de soune. The dreams contrast to the reality.

In the real life, if a woman can find a great love from her man with some flaws, it must be accepted though the flaws are not so menial. If a mother is being respected by her kids, but they dont love her, its okay. Since this is life. If a man can only get a barbie without no idea of loyality or how to deal with a relationship, than he is still considered lucky in having someone next to him.....only when she is not being loco hehehe.

So where is the love that many card's companies or movies' productions or artists are singing under the windows? Where is it? Is it love if its painful? Is it still love if it squishes your heart inside out? Is it love if you feel like you are cutting your own hand for their happiness? For me, yes. That is love. Love has many facets. It is not always beautiful and smell of roses all the time. Thats love, thats how i see it. In a piece of paper or microfilm, love is a perfect concept, but in the aplication, it experienced some decreasement and increasement like when we are talking bout investment lol. And just like that, love is metamorphing into what you are shaping them. And quoting my Baby's words, "This is life, it is not a rehearsal."

Is it spooky enough for you? Yes, offcourse...but this is the fact. A fact that though we are hoping any safety net for our misfortunes in love or just avoid it entirely? Thats not love then if we are still think bout those things. Besides, when you love, you must show it or it wont be love anymore - some words borrowing from a special man in my life.

My People

Each morning the journey from my humble bode to my office is only bout 10 minutes when i go with my friend - Eno, in her motorcycle, while if i decide to go by bemo/mikrolet* it will take me around 20 minutes. But maaaaaaaan, the minutes should be adled up with my cardiac problems, smelly sweats, and rolling eyes through my back skull due to the "polite" ways of my people drive on the streets. Well mayhap they think the streets are their tracks a way to reach famousity whether as another casualties on the streets or being cursed by many road's users....definitely including me -grinning and cackling like a devil- who will yell within my lovely voice, and hey i have got many people said that my voice is cute enough if you listen carefuly, too bad no one is willing to listen to it lol. I might not be using profanitiy words since i am doing my penant with my potty mouth lately.....and honestly, if you buy that, than do call nee "M'Lady" starting from now on he he he.

Whenever i see those bad drivers, i do hope to show it to Valentino Rossi. I believe the maneuvers of some drivers and riders will make Mr. Rossi blushes profusedly like a maiden in their first kiss....euuuuuuuy bad comparison. But...the things are still stand. They are there to make me as a mince meat for sure with their ignorances.

I dont say that their way of driving are always bad. I do see some of the streets' users are just normal as i am. But we are facing those megalomaniac people who thrive on others' horrors and every exclaimation from our surprise mouths is considered as a wanting yell yell in their pervert ears. Pffffuuuuhhhh....what a crazy idea.

Driving fast with the wind blows on your face is so romantic. I used to love it also. The thrill and excitement of driving fast is so exhilarating. It frees our feelin to soar high with the adrenaline is bubling high on the roof. But beibahs...i have burried someone that i loved 6' under the ground due to a horrible accident. Just....think it again. Is it worthed?

This makes me think and think, as Javanese* people that is so famous of their TEPO SLIRO* belief. So where do those acts sit well with it????



Notes:
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* bemo/mikrolet - 4 wheels car with a usage as a public transportation in Indonesia. One car will follow the same route from one station to another station.
* Javanese - the main ethnic in Java Island.
* Tepo Seliro - an understanding bout life that has been writen by Sri Mangkunegara IV (one of the kings in Java) in his book Wedhatama Bagi Orang Modern (Wedhatama For Modern People). Its a belief that never do something to other where you dont want to get it from others. And always try to treat others as you want to be treated.

Nightmare

It is 1.36 am in my part of the bed where i sleep on with my zoo's entaurage. I just woke up due to a nightmare. Yeah....yeah a nightmare, mimpi buruk, ngimpi elek or whatever is the words in different languages.

My eyes are still sleepy, my breath is soooo fast, my body is not sychronise yet, my hearth is palpitating in its small cave and i even dunno what did i dream off. Though i am trying to dare myself to go to sleep again, i still couldnt do it. At least not yet.

I remember when i was a kid, my mamah will tell me nicely "Mbak* turn over your pillow, it will make whatever is your nightmare will not bother you again." In my simple understanding at that time, yes, offcourse the dark side in the dream will not be able to come since they were squished down under my head and pillows lol. So i could sleep nicely till morning comes. But now, when i am adult, that mind has no merit anymore. It lacks of meaning. As much as i squish and turn the pilllows, the dark will come engulfing me as soon as i close my eyes. Especialy if i dont start my sleep with a prayer.....a simple prayer to the Almighty to cleanse my soul for the day. Mind you, nee is not an angel, so i need to do some repents to purify my evilness.


Writer Notes:
* Mbak - is a Javanese way to call some female older than us or just the way to respect a woman. Though in the story its just purely endearment from a mother to her daughter.

Bistet

When i was a kid, there was a famous comic's strips, NINA, for girls that i looooove to read. It's an adventure series story bout a young girl. In one of the series, they draw such a beautiful cat with a lovely name, Bistet. It's explained that the name is taken from a goddess name. Her name is so unforgetable. And her appearance is so regal. And i do kinda freakie freak bout all cute and cuddlesome things, animals, stuff dolls, men...euuuuuy lol. No, seriously, i fall in love easily to any animal with big brown eyes with some characters in it, nice and flufy furs, wet and cute as a button nose or snout......OMG i will be so putty on their hands.

Till today, the name of Bistet has been haunted me for hmmmm, around 26 years, and no cat or any animal can get the name of it.

The name is too regal for just a mere cat that i ever had or even will have someday.

Somehow in my spare time, i am picturing my own Bistet with the one that i saw in the comic's strip. And it never comes enough pheew. So its true, a name is representing yourself.

Oh Bistet....i do hope someday i can find a cat of my own that will be suitable for the name. Though i do have a doubt since i have a strong opinion that a pet will immitate the owner from the appearances, characters, and even their facials. So, it will be imposible for nee to have a regal and calm cat as the name of Bistet rings those traits clear and loud hiks hiks....mine will be so cute, chubby and silly huwaaaa huwaaaa.

Huffh but at least i still can dream to have my own Bistet, a soft and noble cat pusssss....meong.....purrrrrrr.

Gimme Gimme

Dont think it's a biggie, when it's only a pinkie.
But because it's a pinkie, it doesnt mean you can wiggle.
Though i am still sure, the pinkie can be such a biggie.
As long as i wont let it goes freakie, i will be at ease.
Let's keep the balance babie....keep it on balance.