Crawling Into My Lair

Lately i wish everything is as all the people ask me to do. But small part of me is screaming inside (((i want to be me))). Those seed of doubts are the downfall of me.

Somehow i always put myself in this situation where all my argumentations are nothing compare to their sounds and sensible minds. Though i know, if i dont follow them, the consequences are dire enough for me. And as much as i am willing to take those chances *in my bull headed mind* i dont think i am willing to realy face it alone if those consequences come due to my stubborn strikes. Since people will give up on me at that time.

But i want to be able to be down again. And to hear the scolds again, if those are the only way to quench my thirst of power in ruling my life. A wish to show that i am wise enough to stub my foot on the wrong place and take it out unscathily. That my way of life as bum as what people judge, thats what i choose.

Somehow these stubborn strikes always meet the difficult opponents. The conscious. My conscious that has been sharpened by my religion, culture, family and society. Those are the bindings that i put around myself that i accept gladfully. And in the end it always reach a RINGI*. And once again i accept my lost in a big aplomb. It is like hiding my JACKYL or HYDE side into the deepest hole in my lair till another challenge arise.

I just hope it is always those rules are the winner, ALLAH THE MERCIFUL may i am always lost in the battle, for nee is the place of mistakes and sins.

Note:
Ringi is a state where an expression in Japanesse language is being used to explain all the process of bargaining and processing, etc till the agreement is taken. And usualy it is applied in business terms.

The Path to Allah is Full of Love

Lately i avoid to write here or there due to many comments from my family mostly my Imam. They do not feel happy with the way i expose my inner self hiks...though i said these are private and everything, but i have to admit there are good points for their dissagreements. So i will heed those things in mind if i want to write here or there.

But those are not the reason why i brave myself to write here now. I just found out that someone that i realy love, like and respect dislike my religion immensely. I mean, not even one time since i met this friend, i ever said a bad thing bout our differences in thinkings, beliefs, way of live etc. But ya Allah, why some people -if they admit to be so tolerant- cant they just let us, the moslem go? Not all moslems are bad just like not all the people in the world are black, tall, fat, stupid, kind or anything. We are different for a reason. Each of us has our own differences in all aspects, as long as we dont hurt each other then let us passing by like many ships on the sea. Eventhough some media write bad things bout moslems, it doesnt mean those are the honest things.

I am not going to be a drama queen, if this is the way they see us as a moslem, then thank you. Allah just opened my eyes again to let me know, some people's real characters. Maybe i am as what they condemn me. As a moslem, i am a delusional girl. Well at least it is an improvement from the previous year, someone called me as an opresive maiden that tries to break all her religion' rules and culture just to get laid lol.

And i just wish they can get what they are hoping for by blackening my prophet, my religion and also my Allah.

Do hate us and mock us if that will make you happy, this is another facet of live that i must take. A great pre-gift for my birthday tomorrow. Thank you guys, for the gift....you almost confused me with your real thinkings, while all along these are you. The real you. Thank you and thank you.

Sitting Here

I am in here, in a place where everything started few years ago and hopefuly not ended now.

With all the luxurious things surrounded me, with all the entertainments in my gadgets that i can provide. But do those things help to ease my worries? Nope, it is not realy. Only the understanding bout the meaning of equation and all that start will get ended eventualy, help me to move on.

I come here alone, as i wish, since i started long time ago by coming in here alone also. Beside, facing my own anxieties are worying some without pretending to be strong in front of others. For i am not....i am not. But as a beggar we cant be a chooser right? We took the scripts of our life when we took the challenge from HIM to live on this world. We do all the good and bad things to ourself. We just dont realise it when the omen is going to strike us.

Ya Allah, help me not to be a wealking one. Help me to understand the secret of this beautiful event. I am happy Lord, to know all the things that YOU map out for me....the people, the stories, the events, the hurts, the happiness and everything. Make me to be the great one in facing whatever it is. Help me, to pass this event without changing to be such un-grateful moslem.

Live For Life

Live for life! What a dangerous concept. Full of edges here and there, in which will scratch you if you are not careful.

I heard it the very first time when i was in elementary school. It was coming out from my Sire's mouth. At that time i was thinking that, the meaning of that words might be varied due to the different understanding for life itself on each of us.

Those differences are not going to be put the same on all of us, since it is not a dogma or even a clause in Human's Rights where all of us must respect and follow. But my Sire said it vehemently that live for life is more or less how to enjoy your time in living. Not spending it only for living but mostly how to live in your life.....carpe diem.

But for me, live for life is not as the same as my Sire thoughts. I feel that by doing something good, i am living my life immensely. And come back again, the concept of living it up to your life is dependent upon the person itself. No holding back as long as we do enjoy it. With the concept of following the religion, society, norms, and cultures.

So though the concept of live for life is something that each of us explore to the limit, the limitations are still there to guidence us from misconceptions.

May Allah Subhana Wa Ta'alla guide all of us to the best....amen.

In My Corner of Seat

I am sitting down here
But hey you cant see me
Kind of invisible you dont sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow


Those are some parts of the lyric of Lene Marlin - Sitting Down Here. Funny how those words are calling my beast to roar so loud. Calling some old memories in my Pentium II brain, among my strawberries' shrubs. Those words fly directly through all the files and go to 2001.

And just like in a movie, the scenes, lightings and atmosphere were changing into "it".

In my life i often feel as a liability among my peers, family or anywhere i stand at the moment. I often feel so lost within this world, like i am not suppose to be here.

But there was a time, when i met my half. Just like a canine, i felt he was the one the second i saw his dawdy appearance. My inner side growled MINE....MINE. Now mind you, i am quite fanatic in reading Non Human romance hehehe. But honestly, at that time, i realy wanted to claim him as mine and put him chained, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen. Upsss....i cant impregnated him lol.

To make the story short..... all the awkwardness were nothing as long as i knew he was there for me. All the misplaced parts were being put nicely on the puzzle of my life. I felt that my purpose in life was to make him happy, and we will have a happily ever after. Preeeeet* ;p . Well it was not, it was the biggest hoag in my entire living. For as much as i loved him, he is the only person who put the biggest pain in my heart till today.

Do i feel dissapointed with the ending? Naaaa, it is life. When i put my heart on a plate for someone, the end can be described easily. Whether i am going to get H.E.A (Happily Ever After), or the worst one, H.H.M.p Heaven Helps Me..puhleazzz lol.

Though the stories are so poorly copied like a 3rd grade of cheap romance movie, i do feel that he was there to educate this lil ole nee that love is not always like her understanding from all her romance books collection he he he.

But somehow that era in life is the most dangerous part in my entire livinghood. I was so drugged of the love that we had. Though now i can smile and enjoy the happy and sad moments including when he was soooooo worried to introduce me with his family just because i have more piercings than he can hope for wkwkwkwk. As people who admire pierce and tattoe know, all those things are being done for a reason. Like my pierces are emphasizing something in my life.

Well life goes on, he is there with his family and chubby daughters. Nee, is in here with all her "ghosts" to be conquered day by day. And like i often say, when it comes to others' happiness, i am willing to let myself hurt. When Allah gives me a chance to come back to the past, i will never change it a lil bit, not for me, and not even for you.

Note :
* preeeet is the expression that nee uses for showing disagreement, joke, cajole or in those kind of senses.