Snippets From This Morning - 1 Day Before

Working in a female world do have a lot of advantages especially for nee who is socially awkward if i must face male population. In my head i only divide male population into some categories; my family or mukhrim where i can be who i am and they will still be there and support me, my friends in which very small numbers because i never want to close with male friends to avoid fitnah and complications, the men who love me in which luckily are not so many so i can feel comfort, and  the last is the baaaaaad guys the one who are prejudice, shallow, rich, handsome, and mostly hate a woman like me lol. I dont know in every chance i will meet this last kind of men. Maybe because my characters are inviting troubles like a moth to the light lol. But definitely for the last one i am always so warry and afraid. Mayhap due to these warries somehow i choose a job that can lead me into women's world only -at least in my opinion lol- to be a teacher.

This craziness in posing Chibi-chibi aka Indonesian style that adopting from Korean's famous style. Do you think we are cute enough? I think i am lol. (pic courtesy of nee lol)

And how right i am, since i got my 1st job until now my 5th jobs, my peers mostly are women though there are some of the males but they are not overpowering us, lets say it is 14:1 lol. Believe me that working with the same sex do have a lot of disadvantages but many more advantages hahaha. One of those is the joking. As you might get a grip that i love to joke. And mocking and joking to each other is one of our habits, yes i know it might be cruel to some people but believe me we do it because we love each other *scratching the head confuse to explain* ouch...just let me give you some of our extravagant news today in my office.

View from the outside of my pantry in Mandiri's Building at eve. (pic courtesy of nee lol)

This morning as usual we were waiting for students to study or coming to the classes. We were leizuring the hot uncold AC's room in our building. Well as you know that creativity will sprout up when people are oppressed. In our case it is different, our craziness will arise when the air temperature is boiling hahaha. So suddenly one of my friends started this snippet about how our celebrities were  bragging their participations in Ied Qurban by mentioning the numbers of the animals they slaughtered and how many poor souls were killed for those braggers *ups astaghfirullah nee, naughty naughty* while on the other hand there was a girl from a very poor family, living with her family in a small hut in a slum area *do imagine the bag lady's home in your area* but she planned to buy a goat for her mom. She would like to make her mom happy by joining the festive. Since she only got Rp. 500,000.00 while the price for 1 goat was Rp. 700,000.00 she haggled her way to get it by telling the truth to the farmer. Alhamdulillah the farmer is willing to sell it for that 'small' amount of money but ask for the fee of the delivery. When the time arrived to send the goat, the farmer got shock, the girl's living place is not adequate and he foregone the fee. Subhanallah....this is the fact story. After hearing this story we heard some sniffs and scrunched of tissues, mind you we are crazy but we are very much an empath *hope you trust it*

In the end yes i can say this office is just like Kawah Candradimuka, we learn everything here; jobs, profesionalism, friendship, craziness, and religions whatever is your religion. For basically religions are in our bloods and every breath we take. But somehow some of us just want to separate them with our life due to the 'burden' some of us feel.....find your God lovies whatever it is including money but be sure to be profesional with it....wallahu allam bissawab.

A Letter For My Readers

Dear Readers......Assallamuallaikum,
I am feeling a lil bit overwhelmed lately toward the animosity in all of you reading and dropping by here though i dont know each one of you, i do hope you are good, fine and sound in your part of the world. I do realise that i am quite active in uploading my empty rants these days. And belive me, its not because of important reasons or heroic reasons, it is because i am too nervous in facing my un-known future. Resigning from your great job with a fabulous entailments will do that somehow lol. But like i have said many times here, insyaallah i do it ikhlas and willing to take the consequences for my harsh action. But Allah will not change a destiny of someone when the person doesnt try it first right? So, resigning is the first stepping stone, handling my haywire nerves with writing here is the second, the third is travelling to Solo, the closest city of my 2nd favourite city, Yogya. Then i will insyaallah start to apply and look for a job. So do bear with my rants. It might be getting heavier or crazier depend on my emotion. Pray for me readers, as i pray for all of you to get something from reading these rants of nee. Spread out knowledge lovies.....for it will come to you in abundance.
Wassallamuallaikum
Khoda Hafiz
nee

ps this song doesnt really related to my rants, i just cite the lyric "You should be stronger than me" to boost up my spirit and fortunately this is my fav song for this week. RIP Ammy....

Try My Cheese Cake?

Have you ever fallin in love? Have you ever broken hearted? Have you ever being stabbed by someone among your trustee one *psst its not a literal meaning of stabbing lah* and if your age is already in two digits i believe you have been experienced it many times. Even when we were still in one digit age, some of us did have the misfortune in bumping up with it. Sometimes the pains and the impacts of those horrid things will follow us till we grow that in the end will only bring bitterness in our life or hatred toward others for no other reasons besides the feelings of unfairness.

http://www.azcookbook.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/cheesecake2.jpg

I am not a shrink not even a guild member of pop prep that is quite famous lately. Since i am also bringing my own baggages that sometimes they pop up like a persistent spam emails lol. But i always imagine that my heart in this life is like a whole cheese cake. Every betrayal, hurt, broken heart, double cross experience, or other bitterness in live, will be taking a small slice of my cake. Yes my cake will be hollowed but Allah The Merciful creates us with the highest liabilty to be the khalifah-a leader among the living thing. We are created by Him with the concept of alpha male or female. We arent created to be an Omega. He doesnt plan us to be a second class creature so we have the best way to recuperate by closing the hollow in our cake. The way to do that wil be depended on your wisdom....just believe me you arent alone. We all experience it *offering my piece of cake to you*

http://uhaweb.hartford.edu/MURZYN/images/CheeseCake.jpg

Writing Feedback;: Coming Soon Miscegenist Sabishii

Somehow in my journey to read a story in the internet i stumbled this writer in one of the reading-site. And i do feel up to know that my stumblin ungracefull path was so lucky. The way she writes is so amazingly touching and sensuous in which in my 38 years now i feel her stories can be my companion stories to sumberland lol. And believe me, i used to feel that any kind of stories from Mills&Boon or Paperback were enough to quench my thirst in romance genre and English enhance vocabularies. But when i found her among other authors in the site that i followed, the dynamic of stories in the site capture me till now.

I can only say that if you are a romance's lovers, needs a dose of real things without loosing the pinky cloudy frilly, then go to her blog. Four thumbs up for this lady *bowing respectfully toward Pep*


Writing Feedback;: Coming Soon Miscegenist Sabishii: Coming soon to Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble What do you do if you’re a black man in all ways except one; on the outside? That is...

Another Stepping Stone

Slowly my eyes drift away into slumberness pose and all my pent up emotions are starting to play one by one inside my limbo's state. Those good, bad, sad and happy experience that i have felt in this building are stumbling down and piling up without any warnings. Gosh.....it has been almost 6 years i always wake up and step my feet inside this office. The office that i choose as my Kawah Candradimuka* in my life as a khalifah*. The place where i was hoping to be my last place in working since i dont believe in labelling myself as a footloose or a person who loves to move around just for the sake of salary, achievements, challenge or any material things, i am not. I will be content as long as i can work with my muse* and all the proffesionalism are there. Mind you i dislikes challenge and competition, though i love to do my job as perfect as i can, but at least i am doing it in my own pace. Thats what i like but as usual what we want is not always what Allah Ya Rabb is ready to give.And that is happening to me, again. I plan this is my last office since i love all the things here but somehow there are something missing. I lost my muse. Somehow in my journey i lost my spirit in doing my job here. Cant blame others or situation. Its my own making. Since life is not what you want but how to make it into something that you like.Mayhap it is due to my motto, if someone gives you lemon, cut it into tinny slices so you can enjoy it for a longer time.Showing how unprepared i am about the future, no kidding....i am the most phobic person about future. I prefer to let it flow and be the best in it. Mayhap i should be like the old saying, if someone gives you a lemon, squish it.

But like everything in this world, a new beginning will end up somewhere. A new start will definitely lead into a finish line. And yes...26th May 2007 was my new start in this company i am working on, but 1st November 2012 is the finish line for my career in it. I met great people in literal meanings and spiritual meanings. I faced the love from my students and friends but i also felt the hatreds among the prejudices. But thats common right, for me those are the balancing in life, at least when i can find my muse. But when the muse is gone, i feel empty, i feel like a robot, working for money and nothing more and nothing less. Mind you i dont and insyaallah will never underestimate someone who works with their minds go to the digits in their bank's account. Unfortunately i am not shapping myself to be like that *sniffs sniffs* i wont allow myself to be depraved of the joy of the muse and spirits in waking up every morning to face my job. I am a selfish b*tch, i wont allow myself to face that situation.

And just like all the characters in Javanesse Wayang, i have overdone my staying in this Kawah Candradimuka, i need to find another place to apply my knowledges into a new job, and i am sure this is for the best. So here i am, humbling my logic to accept my idealist mind to quit. Foresaking what the future might give us, bismillah insyaallah Rabb will help.

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://wayangku.files.wordpress.com/

Kawah Candradimuka is a terminology taken from Javanesse Puppet that is considered root from Mahabarata's book from India. The name itself refers to a place where we will experience the hard training or deep contemplations to increase one physically and mentaly. These powers were experienced by all the Puppet characters to achieve their sacred powers and sacred tools aka keris or bow or etc just like Gatotkaca, a super hero character in Wayang-Puppet in which always known as someone with wire muscles and iron bones.
http://id.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gatotkaca

Perception

How deceitful perception is in our life. I just hang up my phone with one of my acquintances. We were talking about perception. The funny thing is this topic has been swirling in my head lately due to my decision in resigning from my job, officially on the 1st of this month without any job to back me up or support me lol, crazy much huh? Naaaaa, it is not. Its purely logic for my illogic way of life. because if you know me, you will realise that i always do big decisions in life after consulting with Rabb. I might be a free hobo in acts and way of talking but i do not dare to take a big decision without His consent due to my worry in becoming un-grateful brat *in which i ever experienced it when i was young* when i was having a war with Him because He took my mamah -rest her soul- and left me stranded only with my siblings to hold on to. Oh lordy.....seee this strawberries head make all of you confused with all these straying topic lol. Back to the main topic, perception.

So our conversation -me and my acquintance-  steered to this topic, perception among adherents of different religions, beliefs, or even opinion. And everytime i stumble upon similar things, i always remember my mamah's words about 1 surah lakum dinukum waliyadeen, in free translation it is about how other's religion is not other's right to judge. I might be wrong in here do forgive and correct me if i am wrong. But somehow this surah to understand that differences are not supposed to be dwell about. Its our own personnal right. More than Human's Rights. But once again i am not an expert of Quran i am just nee the smallest figment on the world that tries to life harmonically with all the disrepancies and differences that Allah has dished out for all of us to see and those unseen walls that have been erected by us the human, the tenants of this beautiful jana*. Subhanallah....perception, a simple word but it can be so mean in the application. I mean how many examples that we know from the history that the fact wasnt like that but due to a perception the impact was a tragedy. Lets start with the famous epic romance from Shakespeare - Romeo and Juliet - a gut wrenching  story http://en.wikipedia.org/wikiFile:Romeo_and_juliet_brown.jpg . Because of their perception and assumption that the feud among the Montague family toward the Capulets family was unbreakable, two lovely souls killed themself. Nope i dont say that i agree for killing ourself for any reasons, but somehow with  perception comes assumptions. With assumptions come the worry. With the worry comes the decision that usually has been usurping by the negative emotions. And then the results of those devious thinkings might never be good. So why dont we sit down together and clear the air. When the differences are too hard to be  faced, why cant we take a deep breath and start to chant lakum dinukum waliyadeen or whatever prayer that you use to make you find a patient and just accept the differences gladly.

I am not a scholar not even a good moslem, just trying to be a better one on every step. But i believe respecting others' opinion, deed, belief, religion, decision and many more are showing how mature and wise you are. Dont you think each religion and modern's beliefs agree with these concepts? So lets start the new day by respecting others in many aspects unless what they are doing is breaking the rules, norms, or hurting other members. Wallahu allam bissawab.

note:
jana is the world

My Office Now....Not Later on

The 4th of us....
(Lenny, Santi, me and Bayeks)

From 3 into 4 and back again into 3

(Santi, Lenny and me)

Here are the crazziness that i had with all of you guys. I loveeeee ya all.....though mayhap i never show it as much as i can. nee the creature in the corner, the green manic from our office, the e-Mak for all of you, the wong tuwek now i will say good byeeeee.

The Last Meal with ET's members - Sitara 2012 (pic property of nee's)

Gosh we do love to take a shoot huh, just like Raminku said lol. (pic property of nee's)

My newest baby...will you miss your e-Mbok Re?  (pic property of nee's)

Posing in front of BASRA...hushaaa!
(Kecil, me, Nugi and Uut)  (pic property of nee's)

We do owe pak Ajay for allowing our creativity in posing running wild..... (pic property of nee's) .

Funny Feelings

Here i sit on my messy bed writing to you
Listening to K-Pop music as loud as my headphone can blare in my ears
But the feelings are not so beating up like the music
It is like my body, mind, heart and my fingers are moving to different points
Though they are not pulling me into obviousness

My ears are not synchronise with my other parts of the body
My heart is oozing the blood slowly with the pains of saying goodbye
While my hands are typing nothingness though i need this theraphy for my sanity

Ya Allah....i want to cry but what for?
Dear Rabb The Merciful i want to rest my turmoil and skip these days till then
Till i say goodbye to all the things that i hold dear
But i cant, its time for me to blow the pipe...since i am the piper



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAbokV76tkU

Rainbow Cake

Have you tried Rainbow Cake? Yes, i have and its not as what i hope for though its a beautiful cake in  the shape and colors that it represents a rainbow. Few months back when it was such a huge happening everywhere in Indonesia, i was a lil bit taken aback with the animosity for this particular cake. Yes i did have a curiousity in tasting this morsel that was considered as the most wanted cake at that time. And the animosity was increasing for me due to the price. For a slice of this colorfull cake was about 15,000 - 25,000 rupiahs. And that is considered expensive mind you, at least for me lol. Since i dont have sweet teeth and will feel reluctant in spending those amount of money just to try sweet thing. But offer me a tasty dish or food then i will run as fast as a bullet in front of you. Do you think i am stingy much huh? Naaa just being a realistic one. Those considerations irked my interest, and like normaly happen in human's life, curiousity will bring creatifity *cackling evily* so i cajoled, begged, cried *i will do my charms in getting what i want sometimes lol* to make my sister and cousin who are considered as the cheff in our family. And walla....one of them did make it for me as a surprise act. And since i am not that fond of surprise, the taste did surprise me. I mean come on, with that amount of compliments, moans, whines and ads bout it, i was thinking it was as good as the wordings. But noooooo, the surprise was on me *insert the song by Bee Gees - The Joke Was on Me* i dont like it bleeh. I hurted my cousin in my lacking of comments, my lack of appreciations and definitely my lack of appetite in finishing that beautiful cake that she has made with her love  especially for me. I felt sad, forlorn and could only blame myself.

http://www.incrediblethings.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/rainbow-cake1.jpg (A slice of Rainbow cake)

That example above is a normal thing in our life right? We plan, map out and create what we want in our life forsaking what He wants. Then because we know Allah ya Rabb is the only thing we can ask to fulfill our hopes, we beg, cajol, whine, insist, threat and cry persistently in our prayers. It is right, do ask to Him whenever you need something. but dont you realise that what you are begging for might not be given due to his knowledges that in the end we wont like or need it anymore? Just like a lil kid we ask something only for the good things and differ for the negative sides. Now do you still want to be like a brat? Fabiayyi 'ala irobbikuma tukadziban...Fabiayyi 'ala  irobbikuma tukadziban...Fabiayyi 'ala irobbikuma tukadziban...

Cats.....Miauw......Meong

http://tyrannyoftradition.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/cutest-kitten-hat-ever-13727-1238540322-17.jpg
Such a lovely creature huh? Subhanallah

http://www.dailypets.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/cutekittens1.jpg
This kitty definitely thinks many things....

Since i was young my fascination toward this carnivorous mammal has been peaked. It might be related to my first appearance in this world was as Bastet the goddes of cats *serious tone here* honestly i was a lil bit in the hard time when i was contemplating whether i was The Eye of Ra or The gorgeous Cleopatra lol. But since my love toward cats are stronger than my love in beauty, there was no contest there.

http://kittentoob.toobnetwork.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/cute-kittens27.jpg
Can you avoid her cute face hmm?

Until today i even cant explain why these deep love i always have for any cat. They can scratch, bite or do any nasty thing and i will still love and adore them. They are like a constant cheerfullness in my life. And somehow Allah Ya Rabb allow this feeling to grow abundantly since everytime i have a problem, feeling sad or just purely feeling down, He lets a cat or some cats to appear in front of me in their glorious cuteness subhanallah alhamdulillah.

So if others need to find their equilibrium from many sources which are costly or difficult one, i am so gratefull and bless to have this simple antidot for any ailments that i have. Seeing their cute acts, their faces subhanallah now i am smiling widely.

The Feelins

Feelings are fickle things that cant be controlled, just like what i wrote last time. They do have their own way to shock the cores of any human. It can show their uggliness or their angelic face. We dont know which face will be there for us.

Somehow these feelings are the core of our actions.Though Allah Ya Rabb bless us with the highest part in all His creations, brain, the emotions are still playing the most important rules in human's life. I even ever heard from someone that in the case of suicide, there is only ions second for somebody to loose their grip in life and commit the suicide subhanallah.

So how can we manage or control these beasts in our self? The emotions that can be so destructive when it looses control though sometimes it can be so wonderful to create great things? For me the answer is dzikir and praying. It might not have to be sounded so loud for others do not need to know we are singing His praise, not as much as our soul. For the modern people who do not believe in religion or separating their life with their religion, this concept might be absurd. Though for me its not. I consider it like some people prefer to listen instrumental to soothe their souls. Mine do the dzikir. Some people do the chanting of the mantra. While nee goes for the dzikir. As simple as that. Different actions for achieving the same target-to ease and soothe the worrines inside our heart and emotions.

So when basically all human kinds in this world are aiming this concept, why cant we respect and tolerate each other. So what if the applications are different? The most important is the ending right?

Wedding

Attending a wedding ceremony usually is going to be a hard thing for me. Not due to the enviousness but due to the burden from the society. In my culture when you are a single woman above the normal age to get married you will be considered as; a) an ambitious woman if you are a worker, thus why you dont want to be tied down, b) a picky lady for not being able to accept any kind of men because your criteria is too high, c) all those two reasons before. Somehow these judgements will be stamped on you like a cow in the farm just because you are a single woman and your age is above the average age of married women in Indonesia. But come back to my 1st sentence in here, last Sunday i came to one of the ceremony. Just to show my respect toward the bride who is my work mate-at least until this 1st of November she is my workmate.

I came with a good idea bout how is married's party in Java. Full of rituals, full of the symbolic acts and the combination between religion, culture and the habit in the area. Most of the time the ceremonies are combination of those 3 plus the extravagant efforts from the families whether they are as the guests or the hosts. Somehow these things are not my cup of coffee. Since i always see and think marriage as a sacreed union where Allah will bless all the prayers from all the participants for the better future of the bride and the groom, in which 7 angels will witnessing the procession while giving their prayers* but somehow my way of thinkings are different from many people. They apply many rules in the wedding ceremony that i feel clouding the real essense of marriage vows.

Am i being critical, judgemental or purely just being a bi*tch? Wallahu allam bissawab....nee is a mere human right? And i also havent put myself in that situation before. Can i follow my ideal ways or will i be overruled with the same things like most people? Will i forego the haq to win the 'right' in human's world or stay on my own understandings.....que sera sera what will be will be.


Notes :

* This is the understanding that i got so far, when the groom says the oath in front of the wali, 7 doors of haven are being opened to let 7 angels down to be the witness in the exchange of the sacreed words. Do correct me if i am wrong.

11 Days Counting

Today is 20th of October....another 11 days before i take a different path from my usual path. On Thursday 1st of November my life will be turning into a pivot point, again. I will be another number of un-employment in this country. No i do not plan to be a drama queen since i am the one who decides to quit from my wonderfull job. Great friends, great students, great place to learn many new things *even today i learned about the education for children and how to understand the Government's policies esp in economy* gosh.....great place huh? I just share my knowledge in English and these lovelies pupils of us are willing to give another knowledges in return, subhanallah. We are applying the simbiosa mutualism arggggh nee with her straying mind. I do the resignation with a heavy heart for i really love teaching. I love to motivate people in learning this language, besides they say i am a crazy tutor to behold lol. But alhamdulillah i always infuse the same understanding again and again toward my students, that when you love what you do in life, insyaallah Allah will take care of you *hey only for the good deeds mind you lol* so they do not feel so uneasy in letting me go. Though somehow its me who feels broken hearted again and again in seeing them questioning my reasons. And just like a broken casseste i reply each question with knowing they do it due to their love and lost in me.....nee...un-important person who can somehow entice them within my magick hahaha. It reminds me again with some words that i have shared with my students;

"I am not your teacher, i am helping you to improve your English."

Gosh.....teary moment here *palming my face* Somehow till this night i am not sure why Allah Ya Rabb gave me the decision on our istikharoh's prayer -my sister and i- that i must quit. And i have postponed it for 9 months. 9 long months that i choose to foresake the answer due to my needs in paying my health's bills, my ego, my logic that couldnt grab how can i live without an income and so on and so forth. Subhanallah....how un-gratefull i was. I knocked His door of mercy to find the solution and i gave HIM my cold shoulder when i dont like the answer.

So last month, i brave myself in saying, i resign officially on 1st of November. And i hope i am still good enough to accept HIS blessings by getting another job to behold with a better way in the future amen.

From You

Lately i am learning many new things from this wonderful guy that i met in the site *infuse the blushing please but without the ost ya*
He is introducing many new understandings that in my strawberries brain are quite difficult to grab. Yes i know the words but the meaning are like in Mars language huwaaaa. So these are my homework;
- Meta in which it stands for metaphysic
- Being qua being
- Shiitiism
and the new one is Mut'ah a concept that previously i labelled as a prohibitated act without knowing all the reasons *palming a face for being worry as a source of bit'ah due to scrupulous petty mind* Lord The Merciful do forgive me astaghfirullah...
So its an elevation and revelation time for nee. And in my confusion time i can only hope there is someone out there willing to lent their brains for nee lol.