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Monday, 31 December 2012

Happiness VS Sadness

Hi lovies.....in our life, there are many happy moments that can only give us a gaga expression, speechless and somehow a palpitating heart that might bring you into the cardiac unit lol. And before these 2 days, i always thought that a happiness that we have or get actually has the opposite part in someone in this world. So i always hold myself from being overboard in my happiness because then my opposite part *the one who gets the sadness* will get it abundantly also. And thinking that someone gets "too much sadness" just because of me it is something that i cant stomach astaghfirullah. But there is a lil tinny detail that i havent thought even before i write this part. Who am i? Dare to think that i am the one who put a control over others' welfare??? Astaghfirullah....astaghfirullah....astaghfirullah, Ya Rabb the Define Being, The Lover of all creatures....do forgive this humble subject of Yours.
Alhamdulillah Schatz-ku was discussing these things with me last night. Somehow i just realise again that every thought in a knowledge that you have should be discussed bout to avoid any wrongness in doing. That 2 heads are better than 1 head, its true.

Well Lovies, 2012 is almost over, and 2013 will come, allow me to say May Allah protect us all from the bad things in the next year amien.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Inferiority

INFERIORITY - a story from the past

Tonight in my miserable corner i remember a good romance story from an Indonesian author Maria A.Sardjono. In that story the heroine concluded and said something that i still remember till now. She said that your ways in treating yourself oftentimes shown up in the opposite ways that others might read it differently, alhamdulillah if it is for a better good and astaghfirullah for a worse part lol. In the book she wrote that in a couple when 1 of them is trying to show attention abundantly it might be a sign that the party does not feel secure with the feelings that the partner has. And somehow i cross check this theory of marketing haha get lost already Lovies? Do not be ya....for up to know i wish to be a great marketer in which i am fail, and good in reading people, somehow not really perfect lol.

So back again with the opposite mirroring *that is what i call for the 1st theory" and the theory of marketing, actually are very much related though the objects and the aims are different. But do not forget that those 2 different cases have only 1 core....happiness. One is happiness in getting a lot of money and the other is happiness in being loved back as much as we love....subhannallah. So what is your path to the main core aka happiness? Let Rahmatan lil 'allamin be your path toward His eternity happiness. Wallahu allam bissawab.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

The Hollow Inside

Sometimes in our life we feel like there is a big black hole that is blocking our universe, though it only resides in our heart, in our mind, or only in our imagination. But that hole can eat us alive if we do not do anything. Then how? How to close it? By sewing a piece of cloth over it? Naaa, it is not a tear on your clothes. By sticking some glued paper? Well can not since it is not a kite. By welding it with some metal object? No kidding lovies.....this is not a machine. And you just have to talk to Him....asking Him to help from this greyish area......like what i have now.

Demi Waktu

Setelah sekian lama berbahasa Inggris, sungguh kali ini saya ingin mencoba menulis berbahasa Indonesia. Terasa janggal saat menuliskan kata "saya" karena tampak terlalu baku. Tapi bila saya ganti dengan "aku" akan terasa terlalu sksd "Sok Kenal Sok Dekat" lol. Okaaay bismillah....

Hari ini seharusnya hari yang menyenangkan karena biarpun libur sudah menjadi suatu yang "membahana cethar bagi setiap orang" tapi bagi saya selalu istimewa. Karena hanya di hari libur, mba mengijinkan saya menentukan menu makanan dan meminta apapun yang saya minta *grinning evilly* Dan hari inipun tiada yang berbeda. Sayangnya, Hapit harus mengambil hadiah karena telah memenangkan sebuah lomba wa wa wa dari sebuah tabloid yang cukup ternama. Dan kami harus mengambilnya di sebuah Mall besar disini.

Acara diberitahukan akan dibuka mulai pukul 11.00 wib. But o la la.....mereka baru membuka pada saat pukul 12 lebih dengan pembukaan, nyanyian yang tidak begitu hapal dan pembawa acara yang memaksakan diri seperti Barbie bersuara melengking tinggi *gosh forgive me Allah for they are Your creatures also* buuutt saya yang sudah berangkat dengan pemikiran akan melakukan sholat di Mall tersebut dan begitu bertanya kepada pihak panitia dijawab "Maaf Bu, kami tidak tahu dimana mushallanya." Saya sedikit kaget. Mereka melihat hampir keseluruhan peserta yang hadir memakai jilbab. Dan mereka memulai acara yang seharusnya dibuka pukul 11, baru mereka mulai setelah pukul 12??? Lalu dimana mereka pikir kami melakukan sholatnya?

Goooosh kebodohan saya yang pertama, mengharapkan pihak panitia mempunyai tingkat ketangkasan yang piawai dalam mengatur waktu.....TIDAK. Mereka tidak saja bertele-tele tapi juga berkesan kurang bisa mengatur waktu dengan baik. Membuat saya berpikir....apakah kita semua begitu meremehkan waktu apalagi bila waktu itu bukanlah milik kita. Hingga pukul 4 tiada tanda-tanda akan adanya pemberian hadiah untuk Hapit....saya datangi pihak panitia dan subhanallah mereka hanya minta maaf karena; kami kehilangan kesempatan sholat tepat waktu, makan siang tepat waktu dll dsb. Sungguh kebodohan yang kesekian kalinya. Ya Allah ternyata kebodohan dan rasa sungkan hanya membawa kita pada titik merugi, merugi yang terbesar adalah waktu.

Demi waktu....

Saturday, 22 December 2012

My Jilbab.....

Well lovies....tonight i just read a blog that has been given by My Heart. And somehow my fingers stop in one of the uploads about jilbab, hejab, or hijab with the title . Somehow it is related to my previous discussion with one of my bff *insyaallah and lets hope she thinks of me as dear as that* sheeesh back to the topic. Directly my mind goes back to about 23 years ago. When the issue of Jilbab started to be one of the issues in my family and society.

In Indonesia, jilbab in early 80's was a reason to be frowned upon. As a student i often saw a discrimination, insult, degradation, and sometimes mockery on the faces of other people in seeing those  great girls who are willing to "fight" for their rights in wearing it subhanallah.

My sister is the 1st woman in my life who wears this Muslimah costume. At that time she was about 17 yo. She studied in a government school that must follow the rules of our government at that time. She could not wear it inside the school vicinity. And the 1st day she started to wear it, she was called by her headmaster to sign some formal forms filled with all of craps that stating that the school does not allow any kind of rebellion's act that the student enact in following her religion's belief. The school will not hold any kind of responsibilities for the female student who wears it bla bla bla. Some of these female warriors were going to the courtroom to get a justice for this silliness but as we could predict. It was a fail case. Those female students must quit from the school or they must let go the Jilbab. Four of them choose to quit from that "wonderful school" and moved to Islamic private schools. Such a sad moment for all the Jilbabers, since based on my sister story, the pressure was so hard. Mockery from peers and teachers were such a constant activity. Common joke from all people toward the Jilbabers was giving in a salam but they used it in their snickering tone. So the people mocked the great words *reminding me bout our discussion just now with Schatz-ku bout how joke's perception of us can hurt other people*of salam and the Jilbabers will still reply in a good intention of giving them doa...subhanallah. Subhanallah...it was happening in a country that most of the people is Islam. So where is the tolerant and understanding?

Then afterward 3 years after this event, i started to follow her step since i was thinking that the situation was starting to be under control. Unfortunately it was not true. The first day i wore it, the security hold me back in entering the school vicinity. I must wait outside the gate and wait for my headmaster to come. Well they didnt treat me like a criminal but definitely as a pariah lol. I even can picturing myself standing outside my gate and holding the bars with my tinny fingers tightly like a refugee hahaha *infuse the sarcasm please* And since it is Indonesia soooo the headmaster was coming quite late. He reprimanded me because i did not follow the rules by contacting him first when i choose to wear Jilbab. Somehow i was a lil bit aghast in hearing the words full of spittle from the headmaster *no wonder my peers called him as a spittle dragon* i just wished i brought an umbrella when he fired his spittle lol. Honestly it was not a happy and cheerful moment but Lovies you do not need to know bout the pains.

And now....after about 23 years of wearing it....i can see back that this is my path. Coming out my jahiliyah state (* read before wearing jilbab, and following this path. It might not be a path full of roses but definitely enjoyable ride. The humiliations, degradation, mockeries, insults and su'udzon insyaallah are being there for a reason.

 
http://www.al-islam.org/beautyofconcealment/

Friday, 21 December 2012

When You Say....




When You say You love me.....
The world goes still, so still inside and
When You say You love me
In that moment, i know why i'm alive

When You say You love me
Do You know how i love You?


Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Such Wonderful Lyric




Thanks to Uut since she is the one who introduces me with this song and love it till now....there is always a gentle man for each of us lovies.....believe me.

Voice..Voice

I have been realising that women's voice is like a siren sometimes though i do admit there are some voices from my own sex that are quite annoying, but unfortunately the owners of the voice do not realise it lol. Well as long as i am not hearing it too often it is okaaaay dokaaaay hurraaaay. Back to the first line from my writing, i have known it for many years. Well i might be an ignorant if i just say that only some men who think like that. That they are pervert. That they are just trying to find an excuse to blame others while they cant control their carnal thoughts. Until today...when someone said bout it in the most simple and humble way...that i cant ignore it anymore. Ya Allah Ya Rabb do forgive Your humble creation in exhilarating herself in ignorance these years and hiding to her own persistence just to do what she wants to do...astaghfirullah. And do forgive those poor souls men and women who drooled toward this matter, amien.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimate_parts_(Islam)#Female_voice

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Minnies Me




Minnies me.......
May Allah Ya Rabb bless all the wonderfull things Loves
This ole body may not be there when you are growing up into a beautiful woman like your mom
Or a strong handsome man like your father
But my prayers go always till the end Loves....happy birthday the part of me


Friday, 14 December 2012

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood by Nina Simone






Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood
by Nina Simone
Written by B. Benjamin/S.Marcus/C.Caldwell

Baby, You understand me now
If sometimes you see that i'm mad
Don't You know that no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong, You see some bad.

But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good;
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

You know sometimes, baby, i'm so carefree
with a joy that's hard to hide.
And then sometimes it seems again that all i have is worry,
and then you're bound to see my other side.

But i'm just a soul whose intentions are good;
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

If i seem edgy,
I want You to know,
I never meant to take it out on You.
Life has its problems,
and i get more than my share;
but that's one thing i never mean to do
'cause i love you.

Oh baby, i'm just  human.
Don't you know i have faults like anyone?
Sometimes i find myself alone regretting
Some little foolish thing;
Some simple thing that i've done.

But i'm just a soul whose intentions are good;
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

Don't let me be misunderstood.
I try so hard,

So don't let me be misunderstood.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

I Want To Hold Your Hands



The title gives the right shouting already......will You?

Socks....It Is A Magick Thing

Socks....Its A Magick Thing

I am kind of person who loves cute things one way or the others. My interest in collecting something in which also the first stone of shopaholic though in a small dose that in the end might end up in compulsive buying or even hoarding was mapped out in the early age of 10 years old. Gosh how i hated my incompetence in seing cutey things before that day but i wish now i am still as naive as before that day.

Just like a slow motion m-vie though definitely not the kind of Fast and Furious kind of movies, one of my buddies approached me and showed me a piece of fragrance paper with cutey pic in the corner. I wish to have the knowledge now how horrible is her act now. *gasping like a fish on the pavement* She that i even already forget her name said that i must buy the piece of cutey from her. And if i wanted to have more than i must buy more so i can exchange with the others collectors *note the sarcasm please* so that was the day when a label as a consumptive buyer has been stamped on my head. I feel like a befallen angel now *grumbling slowly* i do wish to erase that horrifying day in my life's plat but it is impossible. Just like a befallen angel....i stuck stumble and fall in the fake glory of consumptive needs from 1 reason to the others. Like a cancer the spreading is very fast, i was never enough., from collecting silly smell paper into pencil, from books up to the latest one is.....*play the drum in here please* a pair of sock. Now tell me how low can i stumble? I think that is pretty loooow....now you know why most of the tenants of the hell will be women, no pun intended for all the women since i am also one of you...we spent money for nothing while many people need it for essential things in their life subhanalllah.....pray for all of women and all people folks...

Monday, 10 December 2012

They Say

They say.....i say.....
They tell....i telll.....
Basically every aspect in life has two sides of the coin.
It depends on which side will you hold dear

And though it is dear....will you let it go for a better side?
well you must, for live is dynamic, its not a static

Move on if you think it is the right one
Hold on if you know it is the best one
Whatever you choose just let Him guides you
For i wont be here as much as He is

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Things For My Babies

Babies, life is never easy for everyone, but a girl will always faces some difficult moments.
The moments will come to your life whether you like it or not, whether you are ready or not.

I faced my battles and fights without any guidance.
I cried my crying wars without any exemplary roles.

But, you are not alone lovies, for i am here for all of you.
My battered soul is here for you to use.

When the pains of maturity are striking you, put your head high, for i will hold your back.
When the pains of pettiness from others are too much, use my strength to build up your defense.
When the broken hearts are tearing you up, do not cry lovies, they are just simply not the right one, for i am sure your right one is there in the corner when you are ready.

I may never reach a motherhood due to my lack of ability, but do use me as your shield like a mother should be. use me like a diary, as you feel it worth. I am here lovies, if you need me, never feel alone and lonely.
For Allah ya Rabb creates this beautiful earth-ardhun as your playground, with all your beauties as the interiors.

So never let anything make you down lovelies, never.....


Note – I uploaded this mumble jumble 7 months ago in wattpad, I upload it here now due to a bully story that I just read….hope no girl out there must face some bullies by herself.



http://www.wattpad.com/4278330-things-for-my-babies

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Missing You

Hi You, i miss You. I cant say anything because it might degrade what i feel inside. But i miss You. Whether You are here or there, the feelings are still the same. I miss You. No other excuse or explanation, i.miss.You. My heart is barreling out to say "i miss You."
And, do You miss me like i miss You?

Friday, 7 December 2012

Hatiku Kosong

Ya Allah Ya Rabb-ku
Hambamu bertekuk lutut di hadapan-Mu
Dengan segala kebingungan hati ini

Ya Rabb....
Ini hati Kau titipkan pada tubuh yang Kau pinjamkan ini
Sungguh rentan Ya Allah....hamba terseyok

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan kami
Andai ada toko tukar tambah yang Kau buka 24 jam 365.5 hari
Ingin rasanya hamba pergi kesana tuk menukarkan hati busuk hamba-Mu dengan yang baru

Ya Rabb Pemilik Segala Isi...
Ingin ku berdoa tukarlah hati hamba dengan sebongkah hati yang lebih kuat hingga saat Kau panggil nantinya


Since there is a request from someone that i hold dear in my heart bout the upload into English...so here it goes, though it might not fulfilling enough since translating Bahasa into English needs more understanding and knowledge in which i dont admit to have...bismillah..

My Empty Heart


Ya Allah Ya Rabb
Your servant is kneeling down in front of You
With all the confusions in her heart

Ya Rabb....
This is the heart that You left to be taken care of by this fragile body that you lent it to me
Ya Allah....this servant of Yours is stumbling

Ya Allah Ya Our Lord
Were there an exchanging store that You open for 24 hours 365.5 days
This servant of Yours will wish to go there to replace this rotten heart of her with the new one

Ya Rabb Ya Haqq of the all ...
Wish to pray to exchange this lame heart of Your servant with a stronger heart till the day You call upon her name in the later days.



I and i

If you are a kind of person who pays attention toward diction you might raise your eyebrows for the way i am writing in this blog, actually in daily basis i also write like these lol. And somehow i have a small little hope that someone or some readers might be brave enough to ask my reason in foregoing all the diction rules in writing sheeesh *borrowing Frankie's expression, back to my topic. I write this blog as a way of running away from any censorship by showing or sharing my way of thinking. Everything is with a special reason from me. Though it sounds so full of myself in stating what i am thinking and belief, but i beg you differ, this is my secluded place of myself to be me, nee. Without feeling worry to be censored, reprimanded, or even mocked by my acquaintances or friends or family or even foes lol.

But honestly i do have a lil tinny bit of hope someone will ask or even dare to talk bout my diction, and finally last night someone that is dear to me *i dont mention who incase it will create un-easiness* said that the way i write my - i - is somehow maybe referring to my way of thinking bout myself, maybe? Though he does capture my way of writing not from the blog but from our daily emails. And how right it is. Though it is not 100% right. I write it that way because in myself i disagree how English put i in a capital way, while in Javanesse we must put others in a highlight of importance in the way of addressing or writing. Besides that i never feel that i am important enough to be put in a capital. Well yes i got a thought to be thought that i cant mix the Javanesse essence's way of speaking and writing with English. Its not like nasi campur - mix rice one of my fav food. Its a big no no to mix those 2 cultures lol. Well at least i know that one of my readers is paying attention enough to correct me and put me in the place. I hope others are willing to do the same......

nee

nee'slifeherepastandfuture
more or less this is how you can imagine Nasi Campur - mixed rice with some side dishes though i only choose this simple things on my plate.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Green Is Nee

Hi i am nee....i am addicted with green colors

Merkunyik

nee'slifeherepastandfuture



Here is the cat that has been capturing my heart on his lovely paws for some months. Yes Lovies....You are right. He is a cat, but do not get it wrong. Merkunyik is a tough cat. This stray cat came in front of my boarding room's door one day. He came with all his scratches, wounds and bruises that were taken from his personal wars. Yes, living in the street is a tough world, but he makes it folks. He is a survival. He came in his limped state, thin and coarse furs. And suddenly i fall in love with him. He brightens up my days.....i think now i do experience by myself that having a pet especially for a single person or sick people will lengthened their ages and reduce their stress. It is true alhamdulillah....*saying like a great testimonial person in ad*

Unfortunately, my love to him is not followed by his feelings. Yes he is coming to my sister and me for meals, but never for cuddles huwaaaaaa *picturing lil ole nee cries please* he doesnt want to be cuddle. He likes our touches but not so much. Maybe it is related to his manly vigor or whatever *rolling the eyes* Then 2 days ago we were soooo surprised, he came to our door, did not want to go out and slept for 15 whole minutes on our place *dancing for a victory* so these are his poses. So humiliating for his manly vigor, but at least i can feel relax since he cant open this blog. For i have not invited him yet lol.....



Wednesday, 5 December 2012

My Oh.....My

Tonight was started in a very nice event. I met my ex workmates in a social chatroom that is quite famous nowadays in Indonesia. Everybody who is someone will have it on their gadgets. It is like "a must have" list. Do noted here i do not infuse a sarcasm due to my action in having this lil thing that i mentioned above lol. Am i being a double standard person??? Definitely yes lovies, i am hehe at least in this case, that case, those cases hahaha now you catch me red handed.

Back to the topic then i realize how often we have these emptiness inside after such a great time just because you finaly know that for your short happiness you have hurt others? For the so called nice time you were eating your brothers/sisters' meat - ghibah? Subhanallah astaghfirullah astaghfirullah astaghfirullah....as much as i love the silaturrohmi now i am questioning myself. Why i did those horrible things whenever the chances arise? Why cant i be the sound of wisdom in the dire of needs? Why i am so lame while i am not a novice on these kind of occasions? Why Ya Allah Ya Rabb the taste leaves bitter one on me now? Ya Rabb The Lord of the Merciful, forgive us, forgive them and forgive me. I am lost in this battle.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

A Thought To Be Shared

I got a snippet from my dear one bout his upload in one  of his blogs. And this thought is something that maybe many people do not realize it, including me. Or maybe you know it but never thought it. Whatever it is without any ado....if you read my blog it means you will also like this one. A new knowledge is always good lovies....so read it http://qalandar-haqqali.blogspot.com/2012/12/no-sunni-no-shia-just-muslim-some.html

You

You said we have to come to You in our needs
But i am too stubborn to heed it
You said we will be granted everything within our right
But i ignore it too

You said we must believe on Your plans
And i do believe in them
You said the path that You gave might be difficult
And i do believe in them too

But why my mouth, feet, brain and heart are so "arrogant" in following those?
Why cant i be such a whining clingy soul toward You?
Were there some differences among us that You created?
Am i not "those perfect" objects that are including the chosen one?

I want to come to You
I want to bare my shattered soul
But i am ashamed Duh Gusti....i am ashamed
My souls and heart are only full of this world's problems
I am ashamed My Rabb.....astaghfirullah i am ashamed for being shattered because of mundane things 

Monday, 3 December 2012

How Do I Love Thee

Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
from Sonnets from the Portuguese
                    XLIII

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men might strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith
With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

http://www.potw.org/archive/potw218.html

Who do you think "thee" in here? When i was a student in Poetry 1 up to 4, i always felt so warm and tingle every time i read it since i was thinking it was purely a love poem. But now i rethink it over, esp if we read her bio, the way she devoted her life in literature, religion and her family. Go check on the link http://www.potw.org/archive/potw218.html there you can find what i mean here. So different is our mind when we were still young and when we are getting older is. It might be wrong what i think now....she is the one who knows well what is it....100%.

Friday, 30 November 2012

This Afternoon

This afternoon as usual after i spent my 'useless time' for nothing i came back to my boarding places. A small place where i can call my home and though they are below the standard of some people incl in my big family but those are mine-not in the sense of ownership but those places are from our own efforts, alhamdulillah. Believe me, accepting the concept of what you have might better than others is like a never ending battle for me. But once again Rabb gave me an eyes opener toward my drama queen's act. In the public transportation  i met a young unkempt mother with her 3 toddlers....all of them looked so dowdy, dirty and unkempt. At the first sight astaghfirullah.....i am ashamed...i was sooo judgmental over the situation. Starting from blaming her in letting herself to get 3 children if she cant support them -how snob was i huh? who am i to judge they are not happy with the conditions- what kind of husband that she has not to protect his family in all  the senses. Gosh i was so hoity toity....then i realized. That picture was given by Rabb to make me forget my problem. ,That my sadness, my bluest, my depression are N.O.T.H.I.N.G compare to them. How grateful i am now to have a place as luxurious as i have with an income that me and my sister can find, with our health, with our abilities to share Ya Allah....forgive my arrogance, forgive me in seeing dunya sometime as my highest kursy....while Your kursy is what i have to fight and get for?

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Di Wajahmu Kulihat Bulan - I See The Moon On Your Face




This song reminds me of Raminku someone who loves the night time with its mystique moments....by the way this song was recorded in 1938 so thus why the quality is not as good as what we are hoping for. The original singer is Sam Saimun (this guy on the pic) was a famous Keroncong singer from Indonesia.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

SHUBUH TIME

How different is every hour that He creates.
As a starter is Shubuh time.
So intriguing with all the magick colors in the horizon.
Almost the same like the one at Dusk, but so very different in many parts.
But will you ask Shubuh time for 24' 365.5 days forever?
Naaaa there wont be any dynamic in life then.
Its different due to a reason(s).
We just have to find those reasons, to avoid being un-grateful creature, who can only whine and whimper if the need and want un-answered.
Remind me Rabb whenever i find those pebbles in life like what i met lately, amin.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

PICKY MUCKY ME

Do you realise that some people are different because of a reason? Sometimes the reason is so ridiculous for others and sometimes it is purely made up by the person. But i suggest you not to hit the grovel first if i were you, before you know the a-z facts. Lets take a seat and enjoy the breeze lovies, and have the tape rolls itself in revealing the whole story and reason.

In my family and acquintance, my eating dissorder is quite famous -they label it, never me, due to be admitted almost 2x of mal nutritions- and as much as i try to come clean, the grovel has been thumped. Like a map of files that got a stamp RESOLVED lol. While actualy i would like to stand and raise my hand and shout "Objection Your Honor!" but this is the reality. This is the 'fact' that they "can" see. I must accept the inscription of EATING DISORDER on my forehead like a tattoo.

Actually this so called of an eating disorder started when i was young. When i was young i got forbid to eat many kind of food because of my poor health and allergic. With the medical knowledge at that time, the doctors -see the plurals in here, doctors were like my BFF at that time since i saw them at least 1 in a week lol- forbid me to consume some list of food, namely; egg, cheese, milk, fish because of my skin's allergic with a high protein food. All kind of fruits and raw veggies because of my gastritis  And don't forget those factory's snacks that will always bring me a bad throat-ache, swollen thingy etc. And what kid can remember all those lists huh? Me? Are you kidding me...???? So forgot i did. And if i forgot my mamah or papah would remind me wherever it is the occassion. Where all ears could hear and make their pity eyes zoom on me *picturing the soap opera series where the camera zooms on a person twitching nose just to emphasize a thing lol*. Then fed up with those pathetic eyes i made a pact with myself, better to look so rebellious than to be pitted  Maybe now if i go to see the doctor they will give me the medication, in which i have enough for it in my life time, so being a picky mucky me is a better choice than seeing pitiness. Its not right but its okay....*song by Whitney*

ps - next time story....from missing tutu into a high addict that i plan to create a rival AA Group with TuTu Group. And the shouting will be "Hi...i am nee. I am a tutu lover..."

Kali Yuga


The world is made of misunderstandings
All unawares, one man betrays his friend
The latter plots revenge
Neither understands the other's language -
No wonder the world is falling apart.

Born in the fetters of the last days
Absurdity pursues us to the grave
I never understood much of this world -
Why? Because there is nothing to understand.

O man of the last days, be of a tranquil mind
The time of the Kali-Yuga has its good side
Assuredly, troubles will last for a while -
But God has made easy the way to salvation.

Note : 
and it has been given by Raminku on his letter.
I heard the word of Kali Yuga for the 1st time when i taught a Hindustan lady, Ibu Endah. She taught me a lot bout her belief that i feel floored up to now, how come a smart and wise lady like her feels that sometimes she is nothing subhanallah....subhanallah....while for nee, i feel amazed till now and that the road, source and from where the iqro we will never know. 

Sunday, 25 November 2012

MEEEEEH

MEEEH

I just want to......meh
But i think i...bleh
So you think i.....peh
why, its not possible i.....neeeh

How many times do we say I rather than you?
And somehow meeeeh, bleeeh, neeeh and peeeeh is the best reply to my I-s

Confrontation

In most of my life i rarely let loose my mouth and emotion to run amok when there is a confrontation. Though i believe in life we have 2 options in dealing a problem -confrontation to clear up the air and let it go mentally and spiritually- usually i choose the last part and stay the heck away from the person for worying to create another havoc if i cant redeem my emotion. But somehow people love to choose the 1st one. I dont mind if they are the one who is doing it, but God's forbid if i do that because even in my ears it sounds so lame. The words are sounding like an excuse over an excuse. Thats why i prefer to be silent. Because somehow my explanation is bording to empty excuse that i dislike myself in hearing it. Better to straigth up yourself for the impact of your/not action and hope Allah will bless for the best.

Another reason why my explanation is not important is because i will be too emotional and loosing the grip that in the end will hurt others. Believe me thats not a good option. Or its not even an option insyaallah if i can help it.

I am sowiii

Friday, 23 November 2012

Rurouni Kenshin

http://i.animecrazy.net/x7up.jpg
http://i.animecrazy.net/Rurouni_Kenshin_05.jpg
http://cdn101.iofferphoto.com/img3/item/106/444/453/rurouni-kenshin-1-95-end-+-movie+ova-14-dvd-samurai-x-d2c6.jpg

He is such a handsome creature huh *sighing and drooling of Kenshin Himura* no wonder many female fans of anime love him so much including me though i am not an anime lover. Actually I do have a big penchant over Japanese historical esp Samurai. I dont know it might due to our past time *Japan was one of the countries ever "stayed" in  Indonesia thus why my irks arise to know why they did what they do and i stumbled upon their history* And it was developed well when i was a student and my mamah gave us an allowances that me and my siblings *those cra#y bunch choose to collect the money to buy or rent a book including Musashi by Eiji Yoshikawa. It is so romantic and touch my deepest hart. I dont say romantic in the sense of love among the lover but the concept of beauty in life has been represented nicely there.I read it when i was about 12 years old. And still until today i love it. You can check here http://books.google.co.id/books/about/Musashi.html?id=FWNor84X_vQC&redir_esc=y this book is consist of some sequels *in Indonesia i believe it was divided into 4 or 5 thickly books* The title are following the hands movement of those ninja Earth, Water, Fire, Wind, and Lightening. The way these books touch my heart and thought are like the ole literature that i read when i was at school *daydreaming of those great books.* Knowing those good books can only remind me once again about the lost of those wonderful culture and society. No i do not say the ole time is always good. But i think it will be wonderful if the ole and the new era can combine their goodness. Since something that we often found from the ole generation but almost lost in the new generation, goodness, kindness, gallantry, and being modest. I do not know is it due to modernity, technology or what. It seems the good ole ways are loosing their feet among us nowadays. Whether they have norms, religions or conscious, people nowadays steer to be so different and create their own ways of thinking. So is it true this is the last era of this mother earth? The apocalypse that has been dread by many people but we help in fastening up the speed to come? Wallahu allam bissawab.  



































Saturday, 17 November 2012

I Just Want to.....

Dear Lord Ya Allah Ya Rabb....
I just want to sleep
To pay my sleepless nights before
In case You want to know more

Please lets have a discussion
For nothing is better than talking
Who knows You can give me the solution
Rather than i commit a celibacy with sleeping

No, Ya Haqq The Merciful
Not trying to be a pompous one
But these distant between me and sleeping is horrible
So please do give it back in whole

My ability to sleep soundly again amen.......



Note - this is an ole lullaby that is famous in Indonesia....the lyric is simple but the music is soothing

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Hiding

Hiding
Covering
Closing
Wrapping

Those are what i do

Masking
Facading
Forgeting
Ebbing away

Those are what i hope

Laying for all to see the wounds, the scratches and the ruptures those are the fact
No ending, at least for now.
It will somehow
Just keep on counting the tick tock
And it will be stopped and locked

An Easy Way Out

Sometimes giving up and drowning myself in the bleakness is like a heaven sent
But sent by who? Or by what?
How nice if everything is as simple as the old time
But even in those times it was never easy

Lets put a different facade on each time so at least it is not showing the real fact
The bleed and strains i put the efforts to go by

One little baby step till the gateway is opening widely
Can i wait or the temptations are too much?




Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Today


Hi do you realize that our self is the cruelest judge ever for our own mistakes? I have known it for sometime but somehow this kind of self-destruction is so difficult to be stopped or held. In most cases when i have a problem, the judge, prosecutor, defender is me but the portion of the judge and prosecutor are bigger than as the defender. Somehow in my corrupted mind i consider myself as the lowest part of human in doing those mistakes that caused the imaginary court arises in my personal world. Is it due to the concept of Id, Ego and Super Ego by Sigmund Freud jiaaaaaah noooo its not even related at all. My haywire brain cant grab those things. Wow Allah Ya Rabb is soooo smart huh for creating a smart guy like Sigmund Freud ckckckck...so why i cant be as sharp as him ya *tapping the chin slowly* arghhhhh....my straying brain sowiiiii. So back to our topic, yes my courtroom is a hell on earth for me. No mercy no flippancy no cutting half, it goes directly to my throat....arghhhh *pose like a dying villain in Shakespearean era*

And today i am so fantastically green -because i love green so the word green in here is not for envy but its for sad- due to some problems come to my corner in the same time. Plus i need to put up cheerful acts for all to see so they wont feel worry or pity on me -unemployed, getting older with no future -in here you will be considered a settle person when you have a house, a family of your own, a car, a job to boost you up-, getting sick, etc etc. But tonight i want to be myself with all my worries but who is the best one to see me down? One of my exes ever said that opening and sharing to people close to us is exhilarating.....not in my case. The impact will be more restrains, more eyes to be there before you fall, more interferes etc etc that in the end i will feel that if i can keep my big mouth, they wont be so alert and vigilant with nee like i am a China's vase. The Ming one. So the courtroom is arising in the full power; the blaming, the accusation, the sadness, the condemnation and in the end only His way can soothe my broken soul. Knowing that purity and perfection are His Belonging, we as His object can only try to be like what He said toward His Prophets, subhannallah astaghfirullah.

Thus why sometimes keep it inside and bottle it up is the best while waiting the best time to come to Him. Better to come to Him before i start to punish myself for being a troublemaker in my family and loved one. Including toward my Raminku..i am sowiiii.

PS - yes the song may not be related but somehow only this song stuck in my head when i got this problem last night...

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Mourning

nee'slifeherepastandfuture
Life is just a long path but a short time journey before eternity.



When we lost someone who do we call ourself?
We call ourself the mourners due to the mourning period that is bestowed upon us by the society and the norms

Drabbing ourself in black, white or any color that represents the lost we are numb
A numbness that should be asked again about the originality

As the mourners we mingle with the atmosphere and nuance to deal with the emptiness inside
Those feelings intertwine with other visitors' emotion create a colossal drama for each demise

But do you realize that the burial is not for the mourners

The burial is not the place for them to show their lost

The burial is not a stage for them to overboard others' lost or sadness just to show other people how lost they are over the demise

No, it is not even closely, since it is for him.....who lost his chance to say goodbye to all of you before his last breath....
It is for him....to 'see' all of you before he is 5' under the ground
Remember him for his good deeds and pray for his eternity's journey

http://www.wattpad.com/3369340-mourning

Note - I put this poem in wattpad few months ago and it seems tonight it is a good reminder for my lost of someone so "bright" in her short span of life in this world. Rest in peace Fifi may Allah bless you the best place there amen. Inna illahi wa inna illaihi roji'un

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Peddycab's Driver

Since i was a kid i do love to go with this transportation. Its so refreshing due to the cold breeze that i can feel dancing on my face, and also somehow this traditional transportation can bring a lot of things in my life. By sitting in it i can experience many phases in life that i normally do not feel in a modern time. I can enjoy the rythm in my beloved city Surabaya from a slow point though my surroundings are so crazy and hectic with activities. I can fuse with the calmness of the becak's driver. With the additional special music from the rolling wheels and the friction from the tyres with the asphalt and all the rickety noises....heaven.
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1290/845534838_464d58bdc2.jpg
In my city this type of becak is for goods and especially for the green grocer's sellers. See the seat position of the driver, its higher to help him in seeing the road in case the goods are piling high.
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1290/845534838_464d58bdc2.jpg
And today as usual i choose to go with becak though i can go with the cab. I always feel that sharing my transportation's fees with as various transportation as i can find is good for my conscience hahaha. And i choose this old man, too bad i am too ashamed in asking his name. And if you believe that i am a shy person, then you will also believe that a pig does fly lol. enough with my straying....let me continue. This nice and respectful guy is from Lamongan one of the cities in East Java, around 43 km from Surabaya. he was born in Lamongan and finds his fortune in Surabaya as a becak's driver. Somehow i got a little bit flabbergasted when he said that he is 67 years old. I mean he looks much older than that -i compare with my papah, he is 76 years old. I got speechless. He is already lost some agilities but he is willing to work with his fragile bones to pedal the becak to wherever we want to go. Subhanallah.....Allah Ya Rabb....may we the young generation can learn something from his humble self.

nee'slifeherepastandfuture
Even while he pedaled, he answered all my silly questions.

Now i believe you start to ask my cruelness in choosing him as my driver. Well lets see, in my opinion, he is on the street because he has too much dignity to be a parasite for his kids and waiting for nothing except for dying. So why we dont help him by choosing him to go as long as its not in rush, not too far, and dont forget the tips. And the last is make it sure your weight is not too heavy lol. Seeing this i asked some questions toward him and the more i talked to him, the more i respect him. With his age, he still respects younger people like me. He tilted down the becak so i can put my heavy self nicely *such a gentleman huh* he spoke very polite in a very good intonation and educated vocabularies though i can still trace his original accent. Subhanallah.....so very different with some cabbie's drivers that i met, though not all mind you. Alas.....most people do lost their human instincts because of modernity. Hope to see these kind of becak's driver again and again. if you want to find him while you are in Surabaya, do go to Gubeng Street in front of Shiloam hospital. He is always waiting passenger there.   
nee'slifeherepastandfuture
posing in front of his becak proudly.
Check this site if you want to know more about becak.
http://id.wikibooks.org/wiki/Profil_Becak_di_Indonesia/Sejarah_perkembangan_becak_di_Indonesia

Post Hectic Blurs

Funny how easy for a human to switch their habit when the drive is strong.....now i wake up leaizurely....doing my things slowly while enjoying this lil heaven of mine pseudo as an un-employed stage. But Rabb i am not complaining...nor i want to beg more than what i can chew now.


I can do what i was planning on long long time ago. Room's major repairements, heavy cleaning and just breathin in and out as a homey person rather than being a homey person on every weekend like what i did before.

Now i am enjoying my late brekkie-a glass of cereal- listening to this song...and planning what i can do to create jobs and money without killing my youth slowly but deathly....

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Aku, Kamu dan Cinta-Nya

Dear.....ini aku dengan hatiku yang terbelah membuncah dengan rasa

Yang....ini aku dengan keakuanku yang menganggap hatiku adalah untukmu
Honey.....bukankah hatimu adalah milikku dan hatiku adalah milikmu?

Lalu dimanakah DIA berada Schatz?
Dimanakah kuselipkan cinta termegahku untuk-Nya?

Kamupun berujar....Beib hatimu dan dirimu adalah milikku
Waktu dan nafasmu untukku seorang

Lalu dimana kau letakkan cinta Rabb-mu Lovie?
Di kedalaman hati yang mana kan kau selipkan cinta terbesarmu untuk-Nya itu?



Sunday, 4 November 2012

The Finale Curtain




My last day of working in my little heaven on earth is over. The most dreading moment -saying goodbye- was over on 31st of October 4 days ago. Though it was a sad one at least it was not as gruesome like what i had picture in my head, alhamdulillah. To spare my blue and sad feeling I even stay away from my lappy for sometimes to avoid my bottle up emotions to spill out without any guidance. My giant man said that enjoying something in their own pace times are better than doing it in rush. So those were what i was doing, staying in my lair while licking my wounds of my own creations.

These things are something that we as a human doesnt learn again and again. That somehow we dread something that might not be as horrifying as what we thought. I was worry over my own emotions and alhamdulillah its not as saddening as that. I was worry that if i quit from my previous job then i will be crazy like a headless chicken. Well alhamdulillah since i choose the decision because of Him, i feel fine and already get some offers in some short time jobs, subhanallah alhamdulillah.

I hope it will be another learning process for me and hopefully for you to my lovelies. Life is not as unpredictable as what we thought or as horrifying as what plan out as long as you have Him. And believe me you can change the word HIM in here as much as you want to. It can be your God, your belief, your conscious, your money, your lover or whatever and whomever. Just hold Him dear and start to be tuma'ninah* with it. For me because i am a moslem so He represents my Rabb, my Greatest Lover, my Allah the Only Being for me. One thing is for sure, do everything in life with a lot of convictions and trust.....so even when the finale curtain is dropping down, you are still standing still and tall *starting humming Conte Partiro* 

notes:
tuma'ninah - a peacefull and serene act usualy it is used to relate with a prayer act

Panda's Eyes

Hi do you realise that when we cry most of us will look so blotchy, swollen, and dont forget reddish nose and skin. So why in the world most of the romance's authors from the crinoline's* era up to the short pants era still use those lines about how lovely and attractive are the heroines are in her crying stages, snifflings daintily and still can create a havoc in the heroes' hearts? Why do those authors give a false fact toward us? believe me i never see someone cries so perfectly. And especially for me, when i cry to much i lost my abilities in breathing lol. So you can imagine those 1st - 2nd lines there plus the fish's pose of opening and closing the mouth hahaha. Well the crying was happening on my last day of working in my job. And though i already said to my head, yes i do talk with my heaad sometimes though those shrubs are impossible sometimes, shouldnt apply eyeliner on my eyes, but did you think my head heeded that notion? Nooooo, it didnt. So i did my make up as usual and applied the eyeliner. So after the first crying i projected the nice pic of Panda's eyes lol. Here we go folks....the living proof of nee with a pair of panda's eyes.




So gals, please make it sure, wear only eyeliners and mascara when you are not going to cry....its embarassing enough with the blotchy and the puffy eyes without the addition of blackened eyes.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Snippets From This Morning - 1 Day Before

Working in a female world do have a lot of advantages especially for nee who is socially awkward if i must face male population. In my head i only divide male population into some categories; my family or mukhrim where i can be who i am and they will still be there and support me, my friends in which very small numbers because i never want to close with male friends to avoid fitnah and complications, the men who love me in which luckily are not so many so i can feel comfort, and  the last is the baaaaaad guys the one who are prejudice, shallow, rich, handsome, and mostly hate a woman like me lol. I dont know in every chance i will meet this last kind of men. Maybe because my characters are inviting troubles like a moth to the light lol. But definitely for the last one i am always so warry and afraid. Mayhap due to these warries somehow i choose a job that can lead me into women's world only -at least in my opinion lol- to be a teacher.

nee'slifeherepastandfuture
This craziness in posing Chibi-chibi aka Indonesian style that adopting from Korean's famous style. Do you think we are cute enough? I think i am lol. (pic courtesy of nee lol)


And how right i am, since i got my 1st job until now my 5th jobs, my peers mostly are women though there are some of the males but they are not overpowering us, lets say it is 14:1 lol. Believe me that working with the same sex do have a lot of disadvantages but many more advantages hahaha. One of those is the joking. As you might get a grip that i love to joke. And mocking and joking to each other is one of our habits, yes i know it might be cruel to some people but believe me we do it because we love each other *scratching the head confuse to explain* ouch...just let me give you some of our extravagant news today in my office.

nee'slifeherepastandfuture
View from the outside of my pantry in Mandiri's Building at eve. (pic courtesy of nee lol)

This morning as usual we were waiting for students to study or coming to the classes. We were leizuring the hot uncold AC's room in our building. Well as you know that creativity will sprout up when people are oppressed. In our case it is different, our craziness will arise when the air temperature is boiling hahaha. So suddenly one of my friends started this snippet about how our celebrities were  bragging their participations in Ied Qurban by mentioning the numbers of the animals they slaughtered and how many poor souls were killed for those braggers *ups astaghfirullah nee, naughty naughty* while on the other hand there was a girl from a very poor family, living with her family in a small hut in a slum area *do imagine the bag lady's home in your area* but she planned to buy a goat for her mom. She would like to make her mom happy by joining the festive. Since she only got Rp. 500,000.00 while the price for 1 goat was Rp. 700,000.00 she haggled her way to get it by telling the truth to the farmer. Alhamdulillah the farmer is willing to sell it for that 'small' amount of money but ask for the fee of the delivery. When the time arrived to send the goat, the farmer got shock, the girl's living place is not adequate and he foregone the fee. Subhanallah....this is the fact story. After hearing this story we heard some sniffs and scrunched of tissues, mind you we are crazy but we are very much an empath *hope you trust it*

In the end yes i can say this office is just like Kawah Candradimuka, we learn everything here; jobs, profesionalism, friendship, craziness, and religions whatever is your religion. For basically religions are in our bloods and every breath we take. But somehow some of us just want to separate them with our life due to the 'burden' some of us feel.....find your God lovies whatever it is including money but be sure to be profesional with it....wallahu allam bissawab.

Monday, 29 October 2012

A Letter For My Readers



Dear Readers......Assallamuallaikum,
I am feeling a lil bit overwhelmed lately toward the animosity in all of you reading and dropping by here though i dont know each one of you, i do hope you are good, fine and sound in your part of the world. I do realise that i am quite active in uploading my empty rants these days. And belive me, its not because of important reasons or heroic reasons, it is because i am too nervous in facing my un-known future. Resigning from your great job with a fabulous entailments will do that somehow lol. But like i have said many times here, insyaallah i do it ikhlas and willing to take the consequences for my harsh action. But Allah will not change a destiny of someone when the person doesnt try it first right? So, resigning is the first stepping stone, handling my haywire nerves with writing here is the second, the third is travelling to Solo, the closest city of my 2nd favourite city, Yogya. Then i will insyaallah start to apply and look for a job. So do bear with my rants. It might be getting heavier or crazier depend on my emotion. Pray for me readers, as i pray for all of you to get something from reading these rants of nee. Spread out knowledge lovies.....for it will come to you in abundance.
Wassallamuallaikum
Khoda Hafiz
nee

ps this song doesnt really related to my rants, i just cite the lyric "You should be stronger than me" to boost up my spirit and fortunately this is my fav song for this week. RIP Ammy....

Try My Cheese Cake?

Have you ever fallin in love? Have you ever broken hearted? Have you ever being stabbed by someone among your trustee one *psst its not a literal meaning of stabbing lah* and if your age is already in two digits i believe you have been experienced it many times. Even when we were still in one digit age, some of us did have the misfortune in bumping up with it. Sometimes the pains and the impacts of those horrid things will follow us till we grow that in the end will only bring bitterness in our life or hatred toward others for no other reasons besides the feelings of unfairness.

http://www.azcookbook.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/cheesecake2.jpg

I am not a shrink not even a guild member of pop prep that is quite famous lately. Since i am also bringing my own baggages that sometimes they pop up like a persistent spam emails lol. But i always imagine that my heart in this life is like a whole cheese cake. Every betrayal, hurt, broken heart, double cross experience, or other bitterness in live, will be taking a small slice of my cake. Yes my cake will be hollowed but Allah The Merciful creates us with the highest liabilty to be the khalifah-a leader among the living thing. We are created by Him with the concept of alpha male or female. We arent created to be an Omega. He doesnt plan us to be a second class creature so we have the best way to recuperate by closing the hollow in our cake. The way to do that wil be depended on your wisdom....just believe me you arent alone. We all experience it *offering my piece of cake to you*
http://uhaweb.hartford.edu/MURZYN/images/CheeseCake.jpg

Writing Feedback;: Coming Soon Miscegenist Sabishii

Somehow in my journey to read a story in the internet i stumbled this writer in one of the reading-site. And i do feel up to know that my stumblin ungracefull path was so lucky. The way she writes is so amazingly touching and sensuous in which in my 38 years now i feel her stories can be my companion stories to sumberland lol. And believe me, i used to feel that any kind of stories from Mills&Boon or Paperback were enough to quench my thirst in romance genre and English enhance vocabularies. But when i found her among other authors in the site that i followed, the dynamic of stories in the site capture me till now.

I can only say that if you are a romance's lovers, needs a dose of real things without loosing the pinky cloudy frilly, then go to her blog. Four thumbs up for this lady *bowing respectfully toward Pep*


Writing Feedback;: Coming Soon Miscegenist Sabishii: Coming soon to Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble What do you do if you’re a black man in all ways except one; on the outside? That is...

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Another Stepping Stone

Slowly my eyes drift away into slumberness pose and all my pent up emotions are starting to play one by one inside my limbo's state. Those good, bad, sad and happy experience that i have felt in this building are stumbling down and piling up without any warnings. Gosh.....it has been almost 6 years i always wake up and step my feet inside this office. The office that i choose as my Kawah Candradimuka* in my life as a khalifah*. The place where i was hoping to be my last place in working since i dont believe in labelling myself as a footloose or a person who loves to move around just for the sake of salary, achievements, challenge or any material things, i am not. I will be content as long as i can work with my muse* and all the proffesionalism are there. Mind you i dislikes challenge and competition, though i love to do my job as perfect as i can, but at least i am doing it in my own pace. Thats what i like but as usual what we want is not always what Allah Ya Rabb is ready to give.And that is happening to me, again. I plan this is my last office since i love all the things here but somehow there are something missing. I lost my muse. Somehow in my journey i lost my spirit in doing my job here. Cant blame others or situation. Its my own making. Since life is not what you want but how to make it into something that you like.Mayhap it is due to my motto, if someone gives you lemon, cut it into tinny slices so you can enjoy it for a longer time.Showing how unprepared i am about the future, no kidding....i am the most phobic person about future. I prefer to let it flow and be the best in it. Mayhap i should be like the old saying, if someone gives you a lemon, squish it.

But like everything in this world, a new beginning will end up somewhere. A new start will definitely lead into a finish line. And yes...26th May 2007 was my new start in this company i am working on, but 1st November 2012 is the finish line for my career in it. I met great people in literal meanings and spiritual meanings. I faced the love from my students and friends but i also felt the hatreds among the prejudices. But thats common right, for me those are the balancing in life, at least when i can find my muse. But when the muse is gone, i feel empty, i feel like a robot, working for money and nothing more and nothing less. Mind you i dont and insyaallah will never underestimate someone who works with their minds go to the digits in their bank's account. Unfortunately i am not shapping myself to be like that *sniffs sniffs* i wont allow myself to be depraved of the joy of the muse and spirits in waking up every morning to face my job. I am a selfish b*tch, i wont allow myself to face that situation.

And just like all the characters in Javanesse Wayang, i have overdone my staying in this Kawah Candradimuka, i need to find another place to apply my knowledges into a new job, and i am sure this is for the best. So here i am, humbling my logic to accept my idealist mind to quit. Foresaking what the future might give us, bismillah insyaallah Rabb will help.
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://wayangku.files.wordpress.com/
Kawah Candradimuka is a terminology taken from Javanesse Puppet that is considered root from Mahabarata's book from India. The name itself refers to a place where we will experience the hard training or deep contemplations to increase one physically and mentaly. These powers were experienced by all the Puppet characters to achieve their sacred powers and sacred tools aka keris or bow or etc just like Gatotkaca, a super hero character in Wayang-Puppet in which always known as someone with wire muscles and iron bones.
http://id.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gatotkaca


Perception

How deceitful perception is in our life. I just hang up my phone with one of my acquintances. We were talking about perception. The funny thing is this topic has been swirling in my head lately due to my decision in resigning from my job, officially on the 1st of this month without any job to back me up or support me lol, crazy much huh? Naaaaa, it is not. Its purely logic for my illogic way of life. because if you know me, you will realise that i always do big decisions in life after consulting with Rabb. I might be a free hobo in acts and way of talking but i do not dare to take a big decision without His consent due to my worry in becoming un-grateful brat *in which i ever experienced it when i was young* when i was having a war with Him because He took my mamah -rest her soul- and left me stranded only with my siblings to hold on to. Oh lordy.....seee this strawberries head make all of you confused with all these straying topic lol. Back to the main topic, perception.

So our conversation -me and my acquintance-  steered to this topic, perception among adherents of different religions, beliefs, or even opinion. And everytime i stumble upon similar things, i always remember my mamah's words about 1 surah lakum dinukum waliyadeen, in free translation it is about how other's religion is not other's right to judge. I might be wrong in here do forgive and correct me if i am wrong. But somehow this surah to understand that differences are not supposed to be dwell about. Its our own personnal right. More than Human's Rights. But once again i am not an expert of Quran i am just nee the smallest figment on the world that tries to life harmonically with all the disrepancies and differences that Allah has dished out for all of us to see and those unseen walls that have been erected by us the human, the tenants of this beautiful jana*. Subhanallah....perception, a simple word but it can be so mean in the application. I mean how many examples that we know from the history that the fact wasnt like that but due to a perception the impact was a tragedy. Lets start with the famous epic romance from Shakespeare - Romeo and Juliet - a gut wrenching  story http://en.wikipedia.org/wikiFile:Romeo_and_juliet_brown.jpg . Because of their perception and assumption that the feud among the Montague family toward the Capulets family was unbreakable, two lovely souls killed themself. Nope i dont say that i agree for killing ourself for any reasons, but somehow with  perception comes assumptions. With assumptions come the worry. With the worry comes the decision that usually has been usurping by the negative emotions. And then the results of those devious thinkings might never be good. So why dont we sit down together and clear the air. When the differences are too hard to be  faced, why cant we take a deep breath and start to chant lakum dinukum waliyadeen or whatever prayer that you use to make you find a patient and just accept the differences gladly.

I am not a scholar not even a good moslem, just trying to be a better one on every step. But i believe respecting others' opinion, deed, belief, religion, decision and many more are showing how mature and wise you are. Dont you think each religion and modern's beliefs agree with these concepts? So lets start the new day by respecting others in many aspects unless what they are doing is breaking the rules, norms, or hurting other members. Wallahu allam bissawab.

note:
jana is the world

Saturday, 27 October 2012

My Office Now....Not Later on

nee'slifeherepastandfuture
The 4th of us....
(Lenny, Santi, me and Bayeks)
nee'slifeherepastandfuture
From 3 into 4 and back again into 3
(Santi, Lenny and me)

Here are the crazziness that i had with all of you guys. I loveeeee ya all.....though mayhap i never show it as much as i can. nee the creature in the corner, the green manic from our office, the e-Mak for all of you, the wong tuwek now i will say good byeeeee.

nee'slifeherepastandfuture
The Last Meal with ET's members - Sitara 2012 (pic property of nee's)

nee'slifeherepastandfuture
Gosh we do love to take a shoot huh, just like Raminku said lol. (pic property of nee's)
nee'slifeherepastandfuture
My newest baby...will you miss your e-Mbok Re?  (pic property of nee's)
nee'slifeherepastandfuture
Posing in front of BASRA...hushaaa!
(Kecil, me, Nugi and Uut)  (pic property of nee's)
nee'slifeherepastandfuture
We do owe pak Ajay for allowing our creativity in posing running wild..... (pic property of nee's) .

Funny Feelings

Here i sit on my messy bed writing to you
Listening to K-Pop music as loud as my headphone can blare in my ears
But the feelings are not so beating up like the music
It is like my body, mind, heart and my fingers are moving to different points
Though they are not pulling me into obviousness

My ears are not synchronise with my other parts of the body
My heart is oozing the blood slowly with the pains of saying goodbye
While my hands are typing nothingness though i need this theraphy for my sanity

Ya Allah....i want to cry but what for?
Dear Rabb The Merciful i want to rest my turmoil and skip these days till then
Till i say goodbye to all the things that i hold dear
But i cant, its time for me to blow the pipe...since i am the piper



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAbokV76tkU



Thursday, 25 October 2012

Rainbow Cake

Have you tried Rainbow Cake? Yes, i have and its not as what i hope for though its a beautiful cake in  the shape and colors that it represents a rainbow. Few months back when it was such a huge happening everywhere in Indonesia, i was a lil bit taken aback with the animosity for this particular cake. Yes i did have a curiousity in tasting this morsel that was considered as the most wanted cake at that time. And the animosity was increasing for me due to the price. For a slice of this colorfull cake was about 15,000 - 25,000 rupiahs. And that is considered expensive mind you, at least for me lol. Since i dont have sweet teeth and will feel reluctant in spending those amount of money just to try sweet thing. But offer me a tasty dish or food then i will run as fast as a bullet in front of you. Do you think i am stingy much huh? Naaa just being a realistic one. Those considerations irked my interest, and like normaly happen in human's life, curiousity will bring creatifity *cackling evily* so i cajoled, begged, cried *i will do my charms in getting what i want sometimes lol* to make my sister and cousin who are considered as the cheff in our family. And walla....one of them did make it for me as a surprise act. And since i am not that fond of surprise, the taste did surprise me. I mean come on, with that amount of compliments, moans, whines and ads bout it, i was thinking it was as good as the wordings. But noooooo, the surprise was on me *insert the song by Bee Gees - The Joke Was on Me* i dont like it bleeh. I hurted my cousin in my lacking of comments, my lack of appreciations and definitely my lack of appetite in finishing that beautiful cake that she has made with her love  especially for me. I felt sad, forlorn and could only blame myself.
http://www.incrediblethings.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/rainbow-cake1.jpg (A slice of Rainbow cake)


That example above is a normal thing in our life right? We plan, map out and create what we want in our life forsaking what He wants. Then because we know Allah ya Rabb is the only thing we can ask to fulfill our hopes, we beg, cajol, whine, insist, threat and cry persistently in our prayers. It is right, do ask to Him whenever you need something. but dont you realise that what you are begging for might not be given due to his knowledges that in the end we wont like or need it anymore? Just like a lil kid we ask something only for the good things and differ for the negative sides. Now do you still want to be like a brat? Fabiayyi 'ala irobbikuma tukadziban...Fabiayyi 'ala  irobbikuma tukadziban...Fabiayyi 'ala irobbikuma tukadziban...