Bereft One

Somehow on this New Year's Eve my mind is whirling around many things. Like it doesnt want me to take a rest and lay down as my usual habit when it is my holiday time. No Siiiir, it doesnt want to stop thinking.
Last Friday i talked with one of my students and we were talking bout her demise father on 11th December 2011.

She told me about her lost. How she is missing her daddy's existence in her life. How she feels sorry for not saying goodbye and told him how deep she loves him. How in her entire life she will not be able to hold her head high for she is not yet starting to repay her father deeds.

I think those questions do appear every time we lost someone. But do you see the correlations between these questions and my writing bout the previous topic? Actually the bereft one only think bout themselves when they do these reprimands. Am i being cynic or cruel? Maybe both.....or i am just trying to see it from a different perceptive.

I lost someone that i love 26 years ago. The pain does not ebb away, but it is reducing gradually. On my mourning time i did the same way like my student. Until someday something snapped my mind to reality. That above anything else she is belong to Allah Ya Rabb. That by having her in 12 years of my previous life is like a bless among everything. That what i have with her is not comparable with any other experience that i might have in the future. Who am i, a small thing in this world tries to fight over the faith? The faith that has been mapped out by The Greatest Lover Allah Ya Rabb.....

On that day i was jolted to my reverie from my sleeping ignorances. That Allah does lend everything that we have like we rent a house from a landlord. When the lease is out, it is no wonder we must accept the conditions. He has all the rules and regulations under the contracts that we signed. He never asks a payment just the trust. Our trust for His paths. A path that somehow with our braniac minds are being twisted by us for our own needs.

Maybe my words are so cynical, but do yourself a favor. Being a crumple soul for a lost should not make you a weak person. It is supposed to strengthened yourself....somehow someway.

Friendship, Relationship or Just Simple A Ship

Friendship is based on the words of friend and ship. In which the first one is where we cant live without while the next can be something that we never have a need of to have. Unless you are like my previous boyfriend, he cant live without a ship or a boat since it is one of his hobbies...hmmm makes me wondering what he is doing at this moment gaaaah...me with my straying mind :p soooo come back again to my explanation before; then how come when we put those two words together we get a wonderful meaning that we cant lost it in our short span of live?

It is so simple, but it is so difficult to comprehend it. How come we need that simple word in our life? It is beyond my smartly mind and creativity *mind you i only admit my smartness when it is necessary since mostly it is idle* In our weak condition we will say that friendship is important because we need someone to be there for us, to support us, to champion us over others, to hold our hands when it is clammy full of worries, and when the hell is broken then we wont be alone in facing it.

In other words then friendship is an egoist thought we harbor for the poor souls that we call as our friends? Since none of the explanations above were telling us about what benefits we can give toward our supposed to be friends. Have you ever thought that?

In my 37 years of living and hopefuly till the last day i sign my living permit in this world, i always say to my friend, "Come to me when you need a help that you know i might be able to do it. No need to share your happiness if i dont have the right of it."

A ship sails on Werdensee - Essen NRW Germany

And having this understanding in our relationships, i am becoming an un-demanding soul that often being neglected for my needs. But at least i am needed by them when they need this lil ole me. My ears are for their stories, my mind will be given to find a solution or just to soothe their pains and most of all, my prayers will always go for those friends in my relationships though they dont have a ship to boot with. 

Illness

This is the first time and i hope the last time i share these horrible worries to outsider. Do forgive me to be honest with myself and to whomever you are. I just want to spill the guts before I face the reality. Whatever the reality is that I must uphold.


Mmmmmm I am sick. Yes, I am sick with these creepy worries that sometimes comes upon me without any warning. Today i am worry to get a toothache. So worry that even my zikir* doesnt help me to get a peacefulness. In this kind of event I often feel ashame with Allah. I commit myself to Him. I pledge my life to Rabb Ya Allah, but I lost my footing over a worrisome matter like that????? What kind of moslem I am? Where is my serenity over His plans and creations? Where is my faith to Him?

Those condemnations are bombarding me all the time when I have my inner battle. The battle that I hope to win in every moment. I may not be a sufi*. I may not be a saint. But I definitely will try to repressed those selfish thinkings for my peace of mind.


Notes :
Zikir - a way for Moslem people to worship Allah in His names.
Sufi - a path of live in which the person are not being wordly, due to their ways in worshiping the Lord.
PS these meanings are being taken and written from nee's strawberries brain. Do forgive in case there are wrongness.

Somehow

From talking with someone yesterday, I realize an old understanding that i got from my grandfather, Allah rest him in peace, who told me that each of us do shape based on the things that the person believes is the best one. A grumpy person might have a belief that his or her grumpiness is something he or she must do as a defense's of a mechanism to avoid them from getting hurt. While someone who is so cheerful actually its another mechanism in protecting the person from nosy people, problems, or themselves.

Just like other creatures on this Universe, we do have a mechanism device to protect ourself from getting something that we dislike. But unfortunately we get deceived by our inner side that somehow we could not find the path into the real of us behind the mechanism devices that we have been applied for ages. So, who are we actually?

Marking

Somehow today my urge to mark someone is arising again lol. Is it due to the heat? Yes, maybe, but not that heat silly. Yes, the other heat. Arggh nooo, not that one also. The other part of heat. Yes, thats one you silly goose.
But seeing i am not an animal, its quite difficult to mark my territory, in which it will need some 4 legs and some poses. Though without those actualy some people already call me biatch :p like i care. I mean, come on, if the name comes w d abilities, why not lol.
Remembering my threat to my coffee, to mark him as mine by tattoing my name on his forehead...hmm awesome.

nee'slifeherepastandfuture: Things I Cant Accept As Javanese Woman

nee'slifeherepastandfuture: Things I Cant Accept As Javanese Woman

Things I Cant Accept As Javanese Woman

Iwas born in pure Javanese's family. The background of my family is the combination between Javanese's cultures, Moslem's ways and modernization ways that erase all those tight bonding acts from my ancestors. It does not mean i dislike to be called as priyayi Jawi* but it is more to some un-relevant rules, laws and concepts of live that i am unseemly can take it as my ways.







For example in Java, men are supposed to be our king, hmmmm reminding me of the song from Rihanna - California King Bed- sheeesh nee with her straying minds grrrrr. Lets continue please. As a king, they have absolute powers toward their objects which are women and children. These concepts can be working well if the Subjects are taking the responsibilities toward their wards like a duck in the pond. Too bad, some or even now most of those ducks are so wacky that is so tacky to give them such powers -in my opinions, if someone is asking, but offcourse since it is my blog, so it is always based on me- *grinning evilly* what i meant is like dealing with family's live. Javanese men nowadays do not know where their foods are processed, by whom, and how. Like a king they just wait all their objects (read : women) to do all the dirty jobs while they just sit cutey after their working hours. Not even giving a hand to clean the rooms, or just taking care the children to ease the burdens of their wifes or sisters or any women in their life.


That is only 1 aspect in real life. How bout taking a part in family bonds. Most men in my culture do not have any abilities to create a bond in their family. Everything is depend on the women's parts. Although Java is definitely not a Matrilineal, but somehow i feel like that lately. For example in my family, since the day my mamah passed away *blessed her lovely soul* we -the 5 of us- are like being considered as pariah due to no one was willing to bring us into the family's events. And to be honest, though i was so happy in avoiding those ole ladies who held all powers in our family, some part of me did hope to be accepted like when my mamah was still alive. So family is depend on the oldest lady in your trah.*






Another example due to those examples above, our men are becoming so spoil and dependent too much to our women that even they cant think, do or alive without us. Somehow this new improvement in my society do make me gag all the time whenever i see a macho man but he must wait his woman for anything. There was an example that i could not erase from my memory till today. One day when i choose to go to my aunty's home in other part of Surabaya, i went with a bemo* a common public transportation here. I watched a married woman carried her baby in her arm sitting next to me. Sitting in front of this dawdy lady is her husband. The husband looked so dressed up like he had all his time in front of the mirror. When it was already in their destination. The wife asked her husband to get off from the car. Then she followed behind. What shocking me and the other passengers was the way they got off. First the wife who in fact carrying their heavy baby was also carrying a bag. And while the wife tried to balance her "luggages" the husband just stood on the shoulder of the road to pose like a boring teen, not even offering to help his wife with the "luggages." Unfortunately, in the middle of getting off, the wife slipped from her high heels, and surprise surprise, the husband did not do anything. So all of us inside the car helped the poor lady to get off from it and brought the bag on the pavement. While we were surprised with this shocking event revealed in front of us, the lady added another shock by paying the fees of the transportation from her own wallet without any helps from the husband. So where is the proudness of being priyayi Jawi? Where is the gentleman act? Do we as Javanese women nowadays must choose to be The Man in our family, in our society and even in our job? Wow....no wonder many women from my country choose to cross the side nowadays (no pun intended for the crossers, i support in diversity and free of choices) or even try to capture a foreigner with the hope to be treated humanly and womanly by them.










Notes - the meanings are being given freely based on nee's understanding:

priyayi Jawi - a way my people, Javanese call themselves proudly for with the name entails them to be so honourable and protect their names and dignity.

bemo - a car smaller than a minibus that can carry passengers around 12 people within the same route with the fee.