The Feelins

Feelings are fickle things that cant be controlled, just like what i wrote last time. They do have their own way to shock the cores of any human. It can show their uggliness or their angelic face. We dont know which face will be there for us.

Somehow these feelings are the core of our actions.Though Allah Ya Rabb bless us with the highest part in all His creations, brain, the emotions are still playing the most important rules in human's life. I even ever heard from someone that in the case of suicide, there is only ions second for somebody to loose their grip in life and commit the suicide subhanallah.

So how can we manage or control these beasts in our self? The emotions that can be so destructive when it looses control though sometimes it can be so wonderful to create great things? For me the answer is dzikir and praying. It might not have to be sounded so loud for others do not need to know we are singing His praise, not as much as our soul. For the modern people who do not believe in religion or separating their life with their religion, this concept might be absurd. Though for me its not. I consider it like some people prefer to listen instrumental to soothe their souls. Mine do the dzikir. Some people do the chanting of the mantra. While nee goes for the dzikir. As simple as that. Different actions for achieving the same target-to ease and soothe the worrines inside our heart and emotions.

So when basically all human kinds in this world are aiming this concept, why cant we respect and tolerate each other. So what if the applications are different? The most important is the ending right?

Wedding

Attending a wedding ceremony usually is going to be a hard thing for me. Not due to the enviousness but due to the burden from the society. In my culture when you are a single woman above the normal age to get married you will be considered as; a) an ambitious woman if you are a worker, thus why you dont want to be tied down, b) a picky lady for not being able to accept any kind of men because your criteria is too high, c) all those two reasons before. Somehow these judgements will be stamped on you like a cow in the farm just because you are a single woman and your age is above the average age of married women in Indonesia. But come back to my 1st sentence in here, last Sunday i came to one of the ceremony. Just to show my respect toward the bride who is my work mate-at least until this 1st of November she is my workmate.

I came with a good idea bout how is married's party in Java. Full of rituals, full of the symbolic acts and the combination between religion, culture and the habit in the area. Most of the time the ceremonies are combination of those 3 plus the extravagant efforts from the families whether they are as the guests or the hosts. Somehow these things are not my cup of coffee. Since i always see and think marriage as a sacreed union where Allah will bless all the prayers from all the participants for the better future of the bride and the groom, in which 7 angels will witnessing the procession while giving their prayers* but somehow my way of thinkings are different from many people. They apply many rules in the wedding ceremony that i feel clouding the real essense of marriage vows.

Am i being critical, judgemental or purely just being a bi*tch? Wallahu allam bissawab....nee is a mere human right? And i also havent put myself in that situation before. Can i follow my ideal ways or will i be overruled with the same things like most people? Will i forego the haq to win the 'right' in human's world or stay on my own understandings.....que sera sera what will be will be.


Notes :

* This is the understanding that i got so far, when the groom says the oath in front of the wali, 7 doors of haven are being opened to let 7 angels down to be the witness in the exchange of the sacreed words. Do correct me if i am wrong.

11 Days Counting

Today is 20th of October....another 11 days before i take a different path from my usual path. On Thursday 1st of November my life will be turning into a pivot point, again. I will be another number of un-employment in this country. No i do not plan to be a drama queen since i am the one who decides to quit from my wonderfull job. Great friends, great students, great place to learn many new things *even today i learned about the education for children and how to understand the Government's policies esp in economy* gosh.....great place huh? I just share my knowledge in English and these lovelies pupils of us are willing to give another knowledges in return, subhanallah. We are applying the simbiosa mutualism arggggh nee with her straying mind. I do the resignation with a heavy heart for i really love teaching. I love to motivate people in learning this language, besides they say i am a crazy tutor to behold lol. But alhamdulillah i always infuse the same understanding again and again toward my students, that when you love what you do in life, insyaallah Allah will take care of you *hey only for the good deeds mind you lol* so they do not feel so uneasy in letting me go. Though somehow its me who feels broken hearted again and again in seeing them questioning my reasons. And just like a broken casseste i reply each question with knowing they do it due to their love and lost in me.....nee...un-important person who can somehow entice them within my magick hahaha. It reminds me again with some words that i have shared with my students;

"I am not your teacher, i am helping you to improve your English."

Gosh.....teary moment here *palming my face* Somehow till this night i am not sure why Allah Ya Rabb gave me the decision on our istikharoh's prayer -my sister and i- that i must quit. And i have postponed it for 9 months. 9 long months that i choose to foresake the answer due to my needs in paying my health's bills, my ego, my logic that couldnt grab how can i live without an income and so on and so forth. Subhanallah....how un-gratefull i was. I knocked His door of mercy to find the solution and i gave HIM my cold shoulder when i dont like the answer.

So last month, i brave myself in saying, i resign officially on 1st of November. And i hope i am still good enough to accept HIS blessings by getting another job to behold with a better way in the future amen.

From You

Lately i am learning many new things from this wonderful guy that i met in the site *infuse the blushing please but without the ost ya*
He is introducing many new understandings that in my strawberries brain are quite difficult to grab. Yes i know the words but the meaning are like in Mars language huwaaaa. So these are my homework;
- Meta in which it stands for metaphysic
- Being qua being
- Shiitiism
and the new one is Mut'ah a concept that previously i labelled as a prohibitated act without knowing all the reasons *palming a face for being worry as a source of bit'ah due to scrupulous petty mind* Lord The Merciful do forgive me astaghfirullah...
So its an elevation and revelation time for nee. And in my confusion time i can only hope there is someone out there willing to lent their brains for nee lol.

Wonderful Gifts

Today i met such a handsome guy. So handsome that i almost couldnt allow myself to blink my eyes. Mind you not that i am never a connosour of a beauty in men though there is always a time in my life that i just meet an awestruck man that makes me forget even my name.

Whenever i meet a dayum man like that i always remember the thing in Holly Qur'an stated that we are not supposed to look at the opposite sex due to the feelings that our eyes can create. The needs, the leers, the drools and dont forget the wish to posses lol. And how true is this suggestion for me. By seeing that handsome face and lovely physic, i almost could not stop in thinking those forbidden things lol. Like sitting on his lap so i can see his pores clearly, wipe his sweats if he feels hot, or even just admire his beautiful self nonstop. See, even after a few hours after seeing him i am still ranting out like a loco girl rotflol. This is nut.

I do realise those Holly Books basicaly were given to us for some reasons. They are not a bunch of bullsh*ts. It is just our jobs to accomodate, translate and adapt our modern life with those great wisdom words. For other people, feeling like what i said before might be a normal condition, while my needs to pay my penant afterward is quite ridiculous. Those regrets for following the baser instintcs are unbearable for nee. But it is okay, Allah did create everything in different way right? Another proof of His love to human kind since He knows how easily bored we are so He lets us "play around with our deens and lifes".

So, seeing my understanding bout this life at this moment, i can only say alhamdulillah or thanks to Allah i got a chance to see one of His beautiful creatures in my life. Another chance to feel grateful with the age that i have so i can still admire such creature, with the eyes that i own so i can enjoy the beauty of the man, and with the chance that i owned.

Missing You Here

Hi, Bebe....
Tonight i feel so lonely without you
Not that on the other days you are ever here with me
But somehow today is different

Hi, Lovie....the keeper of my heart
Are you missing me too over there?
Or you just enjoying your freedom without me next to you?
Am i that bad Bebe to be with? For it seems we are getting distant

No amount of text or phone calls can appease this feelin inside
Though no sacrifation is ever worth enough to make me loose HIM for you

Hi, Sweetie pie......the one who owns my heart
Lets rejoice these abundant loves for it might not be there when the stake is HIS' blessings
I miss you but i miss HIM more
I love you but i love HIM more
I wish to cross the line to appease these craves, but i am afraid of HIS wraths more than my needs

Hi Baby Bear......
I will let you go if my path is not the one you are looking for to put through like the ones before you

Another Day In Para-Dice

Another Day In Para-Dice

Today is Thursday 24th of May, 2012. The month of rejoice since on this month we Surabayanese celebrate The Anniversary of our city. So we can find many great events to preceed the big day on 31st of May. Too bad due to the number on the calender it is almost impossible for me to participate those events *insert a whining voice here*. Well people in here at these moments are so consumptive that one of the attraction of visiting Surabaya on this month is Surabaya Shopping Festival or SSF. An event that has been waiting for by all the hoarders, shopaholic, consumptive people, goodies grabbers or random buyers since in this month we can spend as little money as we have to get as many as we want to have.

But alas, like i have told you before, the date is quite not supporting for my expenditures. For my salary wont come till the 1st of the month. And using cards are annoyingly out of the equation because i am pledging my oath to stay away to any temptations of the magick cards. Those magick cards that can entice us into the biggest s**tty queen of shopaholic *insert sarcasm here*. While you can be sure that those lovely goodies are not going to stay too long on their beautiful racks *insert another whining here*.

So, goodbye to midnight sales, arrivideci to up 50% discount, selamat tinggal* to buy 1 get 1 free, gooooood byeeee.

In my contemplation, I do realise that my condition is experienced by many people in this awesome city. But somehow this event is always succeed in the greatest color. How come?

Surprise surprise, from the information on KOMINFO JATIM* it is stated that in this II semester, Bank of Indonesia has stated that our economic has grown for about 7 up to 7.25% in which it is lower than the growth in the same semester in the previous year that was only 7.11%. And it is lower than the previous semester in the same year. But the answer of my question for the giant purchase power among my people is laid on the data in the same site that stating the increasement number of the economic growth in my lovely city is the consumptive power of our society. No wonder as much as I see needy or poor people surround me, the consumptive power is still the highest part in playing to our growth's economic. Pathetic right? For us to say we are not able to cover our needs but we keep on purchasing the things that we might not need them. This is the real situation in our city, feels like living in para-dice.


Notes:
* KOMINFO - a site to get the valid information about East Java.
* SSF - an event to quench the needs for any shopaholics to get the best prices for the goodies.
* Selamat Tinggal - Bahasa Indonesia for goodbye.