You

You said we have to come to You in our needs

But i am too stubborn to heed it

You said we will be granted everything within our right

But i ignore it too

You said we must believe on Your plans

And i do believe in them

You said the path that You gave might be difficult

And i do believe in them too

But why my mouth, feet, brain and heart are so "arrogant" in following those?

Why cant i be such a whining clingy soul toward You?

Were there some differences among us that You created?

Am i not "those perfect" objects that are including the chosen one?

I want to come to You

I want to bare my shattered soul

But i am ashamed Duh Gusti....i am ashamed

My souls and heart are only full of this world's problems

I am ashamed My Rabb.....astaghfirullah i am ashamed for being shattered because of mundane things 

How Do I Love Thee

Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
from Sonnets from the Portuguese
                    XLIII

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men might strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith
With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

http://www.potw.org/archive/potw218.html

Who do you think "thee" in here? When i was a student in Poetry 1 up to 4, i always felt so warm and tingle every time i read it since i was thinking it was purely a love poem. But now i rethink it over, esp if we read her bio, the way she devoted her life in literature, religion and her family. Go check on the link http://www.potw.org/archive/potw218.html there you can find what i mean here. So different is our mind when we were still young and when we are getting older is. It might be wrong what i think now....she is the one who knows well what is it....100%.

This Afternoon

This afternoon as usual after i spent my 'useless time' for nothing i came back to my boarding places. A small place where i can call my home and though they are below the standard of some people incl in my big family but those are mine-not in the sense of ownership but those places are from our own efforts, alhamdulillah. Believe me, accepting the concept of what you have might better than others is like a never ending battle for me. But once again Rabb gave me an eyes opener toward my drama queen's act. In the public transportation  i met a young unkempt mother with her 3 toddlers....all of them looked so dowdy, dirty and unkempt. At the first sight astaghfirullah.....i am ashamed...i was sooo judgmental over the situation. Starting from blaming her in letting herself to get 3 children if she cant support them -how snob was i huh? who am i to judge they are not happy with the conditions- what kind of husband that she has not to protect his family in all  the senses. Gosh i was so hoity toity....then i realized. That picture was given by Rabb to make me forget my problem. ,That my sadness, my bluest, my depression are N.O.T.H.I.N.G compare to them. How grateful i am now to have a place as luxurious as i have with an income that me and my sister can find, with our health, with our abilities to share Ya Allah....forgive my arrogance, forgive me in seeing dunya sometime as my highest kursy....while Your kursy is what i have to fight and get for?

Di Wajahmu Kulihat Bulan - I See The Moon On Your Face

This song reminds me of Raminku someone who loves the night time with its mystique moments....by the way this song was recorded in 1938 so thus why the quality is not as good as what we are hoping for. The original singer is Sam Saimun (this guy on the pic) was a famous Keroncong singer from Indonesia.

SHUBUH TIME

How different is every hour that He creates.
As a starter is Shubuh time.
So intriguing with all the magick colors in the horizon.
Almost the same like the one at Dusk, but so very different in many parts.
But will you ask Shubuh time for 24' 365.5 days forever?
Naaaa there wont be any dynamic in life then.
Its different due to a reason(s).
We just have to find those reasons, to avoid being un-grateful creature, who can only whine and whimper if the need and want un-answered.
Remind me Rabb whenever i find those pebbles in life like what i met lately, amin.

PICKY MUCKY ME

Do you realise that some people are different because of a reason? Sometimes the reason is so ridiculous for others and sometimes it is purely made up by the person. But i suggest you not to hit the grovel first if i were you, before you know the a-z facts. Lets take a seat and enjoy the breeze lovies, and have the tape rolls itself in revealing the whole story and reason.

In my family and acquintance, my eating dissorder is quite famous -they label it, never me, due to be admitted almost 2x of mal nutritions- and as much as i try to come clean, the grovel has been thumped. Like a map of files that got a stamp RESOLVED lol. While actualy i would like to stand and raise my hand and shout "Objection Your Honor!" but this is the reality. This is the 'fact' that they "can" see. I must accept the inscription of EATING DISORDER on my forehead like a tattoo.

Actually this so called of an eating disorder started when i was young. When i was young i got forbid to eat many kind of food because of my poor health and allergic. With the medical knowledge at that time, the doctors -see the plurals in here, doctors were like my BFF at that time since i saw them at least 1 in a week lol- forbid me to consume some list of food, namely; egg, cheese, milk, fish because of my skin's allergic with a high protein food. All kind of fruits and raw veggies because of my gastritis  And don't forget those factory's snacks that will always bring me a bad throat-ache, swollen thingy etc. And what kid can remember all those lists huh? Me? Are you kidding me...???? So forgot i did. And if i forgot my mamah or papah would remind me wherever it is the occassion. Where all ears could hear and make their pity eyes zoom on me *picturing the soap opera series where the camera zooms on a person twitching nose just to emphasize a thing lol*. Then fed up with those pathetic eyes i made a pact with myself, better to look so rebellious than to be pitted  Maybe now if i go to see the doctor they will give me the medication, in which i have enough for it in my life time, so being a picky mucky me is a better choice than seeing pitiness. Its not right but its okay....*song by Whitney*

ps - next time story....from missing tutu into a high addict that i plan to create a rival AA Group with TuTu Group. And the shouting will be "Hi...i am nee. I am a tutu lover..."

Kali Yuga

The world is made of misunderstandings

All unawares, one man betrays his friend

The latter plots revenge

Neither understands the other's language -

No wonder the world is falling apart.

Born in the fetters of the last days

Absurdity pursues us to the grave

I never understood much of this world -

Why? Because there is nothing to understand.

O man of the last days, be of a tranquil mind

The time of the Kali-Yuga has its good side

Assuredly, troubles will last for a while -

But God has made easy the way to salvation.

Note : 

The poem is Kali Yuga by Frithjof Schuon, a Germany metaphysics http://www.frithjofschuon.info/italiano/public/read/poetry/default.aspx?ID=2960  this is an English translation from http://www.frithjofschuon.info/italiano/public/read/poetry/default.aspx?ID=2960

and it has been given by Raminku on his letter.

I heard the word of Kali Yuga for the 1st time when i taught a Hindustan lady, Ibu Endah. She taught me a lot bout her belief that i feel floored up to now, how come a smart and wise lady like her feels that sometimes she is nothing subhanallah....subhanallah....while for nee, i feel amazed till now and that the road, source and from where the iqro we will never know.