Hiding

Hiding
Covering
Closing
Wrapping

Those are what i do

Masking
Facading
Forgeting
Ebbing away

Those are what i hope

Laying for all to see the wounds, the scratches and the ruptures those are the fact
No ending, at least for now.
It will somehow
Just keep on counting the tick tock
And it will be stopped and locked

An Easy Way Out

Sometimes giving up and drowning myself in the bleakness is like a heaven sent
But sent by who? Or by what?
How nice if everything is as simple as the old time
But even in those times it was never easy

Lets put a different facade on each time so at least it is not showing the real fact
The bleed and strains i put the efforts to go by

One little baby step till the gateway is opening widely
Can i wait or the temptations are too much?

Today

Hi do you realize that our self is the cruelest judge ever for our own mistakes? I have known it for sometime but somehow this kind of self-destruction is so difficult to be stopped or held. In most cases when i have a problem, the judge, prosecutor, defender is me but the portion of the judge and prosecutor are bigger than as the defender. Somehow in my corrupted mind i consider myself as the lowest part of human in doing those mistakes that caused the imaginary court arises in my personal world. Is it due to the concept of Id, Ego and Super Ego by Sigmund Freud jiaaaaaah noooo its not even related at all. My haywire brain cant grab those things. Wow Allah Ya Rabb is soooo smart huh for creating a smart guy like Sigmund Freud ckckckck...so why i cant be as sharp as him ya *tapping the chin slowly* arghhhhh....my straying brain sowiiiii. So back to our topic, yes my courtroom is a hell on earth for me. No mercy no flippancy no cutting half, it goes directly to my throat....arghhhh *pose like a dying villain in Shakespearean era*

And today i am so fantastically green -because i love green so the word green in here is not for envy but its for sad- due to some problems come to my corner in the same time. Plus i need to put up cheerful acts for all to see so they wont feel worry or pity on me -unemployed, getting older with no future -in here you will be considered a settle person when you have a house, a family of your own, a car, a job to boost you up-, getting sick, etc etc. But tonight i want to be myself with all my worries but who is the best one to see me down? One of my exes ever said that opening and sharing to people close to us is exhilarating.....not in my case. The impact will be more restrains, more eyes to be there before you fall, more interferes etc etc that in the end i will feel that if i can keep my big mouth, they wont be so alert and vigilant with nee like i am a China's vase. The Ming one. So the courtroom is arising in the full power; the blaming, the accusation, the sadness, the condemnation and in the end only His way can soothe my broken soul. Knowing that purity and perfection are His Belonging, we as His object can only try to be like what He said toward His Prophets, subhannallah astaghfirullah.

Thus why sometimes keep it inside and bottle it up is the best while waiting the best time to come to Him. Better to come to Him before i start to punish myself for being a troublemaker in my family and loved one. Including toward my Raminku..i am sowiiii.

PS - yes the song may not be related but somehow only this song stuck in my head when i got this problem last night...

Mourning

Life is just a long path but a short time journey before eternity.

When we lost someone who do we call ourself?
We call ourself the mourners due to the mourning period that is bestowed upon us by the society and the norms

Drabbing ourself in black, white or any color that represents the lost we are numb
A numbness that should be asked again about the originality

As the mourners we mingle with the atmosphere and nuance to deal with the emptiness inside
Those feelings intertwine with other visitors' emotion create a colossal drama for each demise

But do you realize that the burial is not for the mourners

The burial is not the place for them to show their lost

The burial is not a stage for them to overboard others' lost or sadness just to show other people how lost they are over the demise

No, it is not even closely, since it is for him.....who lost his chance to say goodbye to all of you before his last breath....
It is for him....to 'see' all of you before he is 5' under the ground
Remember him for his good deeds and pray for his eternity's journey

http://www.wattpad.com/3369340-mourning

Note - I put this poem in wattpad few months ago and it seems tonight it is a good reminder for my lost of someone so "bright" in her short span of life in this world. Rest in peace Fifi may Allah bless you the best place there amen. Inna illahi wa inna illaihi roji'un

Peddycab's Driver

Since i was a kid i do love to go with this transportation. Its so refreshing due to the cold breeze that i can feel dancing on my face, and also somehow this traditional transportation can bring a lot of things in my life. By sitting in it i can experience many phases in life that i normally do not feel in a modern time. I can enjoy the rythm in my beloved city Surabaya from a slow point though my surroundings are so crazy and hectic with activities. I can fuse with the calmness of the becak's driver. With the additional special music from the rolling wheels and the friction from the tyres with the asphalt and all the rickety noises....heaven.

In my city this type of becak is for goods and especially for the green grocer's sellers. See the seat position of the driver, its higher to help him in seeing the road in case the goods are piling high.
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1290/845534838_464d58bdc2.jpg

And today as usual i choose to go with becak though i can go with the cab. I always feel that sharing my transportation's fees with as various transportation as i can find is good for my conscience hahaha. And i choose this old man, too bad i am too ashamed in asking his name. And if you believe that i am a shy person, then you will also believe that a pig does fly lol. enough with my straying....let me continue. This nice and respectful guy is from Lamongan one of the cities in East Java, around 43 km from Surabaya. he was born in Lamongan and finds his fortune in Surabaya as a becak's driver. Somehow i got a little bit flabbergasted when he said that he is 67 years old. I mean he looks much older than that -i compare with my papah, he is 76 years old. I got speechless. He is already lost some agilities but he is willing to work with his fragile bones to pedal the becak to wherever we want to go. Subhanallah.....Allah Ya Rabb....may we the young generation can learn something from his humble self.

Even while he pedaled, he answered all my silly questions.

Now i believe you start to ask my cruelness in choosing him as my driver. Well lets see, in my opinion, he is on the street because he has too much dignity to be a parasite for his kids and waiting for nothing except for dying. So why we dont help him by choosing him to go as long as its not in rush, not too far, and dont forget the tips. And the last is make it sure your weight is not too heavy lol. Seeing this i asked some questions toward him and the more i talked to him, the more i respect him. With his age, he still respects younger people like me. He tilted down the becak so i can put my heavy self nicely *such a gentleman huh* he spoke very polite in a very good intonation and educated vocabularies though i can still trace his original accent. Subhanallah.....so very different with some cabbie's drivers that i met, though not all mind you. Alas.....most people do lost their human instincts because of modernity. Hope to see these kind of becak's driver again and again. if you want to find him while you are in Surabaya, do go to Gubeng Street in front of Shiloam hospital. He is always waiting passenger there.   

posing in front of his becak proudly.

Check this site if you want to know more about becak.
http://id.wikibooks.org/wiki/Profil_Becak_di_Indonesia/Sejarah_perkembangan_becak_di_Indonesia

Post Hectic Blurs

Funny how easy for a human to switch their habit when the drive is strong.....now i wake up leaizurely....doing my things slowly while enjoying this lil heaven of mine pseudo as an un-employed stage. But Rabb i am not complaining...nor i want to beg more than what i can chew now.


I can do what i was planning on long long time ago. Room's major repairements, heavy cleaning and just breathin in and out as a homey person rather than being a homey person on every weekend like what i did before.

Now i am enjoying my late brekkie-a glass of cereal- listening to this song...and planning what i can do to create jobs and money without killing my youth slowly but deathly....

Aku, Kamu dan Cinta-Nya

Dear.....ini aku dengan hatiku yang terbelah membuncah dengan rasa

Yang....ini aku dengan keakuanku yang menganggap hatiku adalah untukmu
Honey.....bukankah hatimu adalah milikku dan hatiku adalah milikmu?

Lalu dimanakah DIA berada Schatz?
Dimanakah kuselipkan cinta termegahku untuk-Nya?

Kamupun berujar....Beib hatimu dan dirimu adalah milikku
Waktu dan nafasmu untukku seorang

Lalu dimana kau letakkan cinta Rabb-mu Lovie?
Di kedalaman hati yang mana kan kau selipkan cinta terbesarmu untuk-Nya itu?