Today

Hi do you realize that our self is the cruelest judge ever for our own mistakes? I have known it for sometime but somehow this kind of self-destruction is so difficult to be stopped or held. In most cases when i have a problem, the judge, prosecutor, defender is me but the portion of the judge and prosecutor are bigger than as the defender. Somehow in my corrupted mind i consider myself as the lowest part of human in doing those mistakes that caused the imaginary court arises in my personal world. Is it due to the concept of Id, Ego and Super Ego by Sigmund Freud jiaaaaaah noooo its not even related at all. My haywire brain cant grab those things. Wow Allah Ya Rabb is soooo smart huh for creating a smart guy like Sigmund Freud ckckckck...so why i cant be as sharp as him ya *tapping the chin slowly* arghhhhh....my straying brain sowiiiii. So back to our topic, yes my courtroom is a hell on earth for me. No mercy no flippancy no cutting half, it goes directly to my throat....arghhhh *pose like a dying villain in Shakespearean era*

And today i am so fantastically green -because i love green so the word green in here is not for envy but its for sad- due to some problems come to my corner in the same time. Plus i need to put up cheerful acts for all to see so they wont feel worry or pity on me -unemployed, getting older with no future -in here you will be considered a settle person when you have a house, a family of your own, a car, a job to boost you up-, getting sick, etc etc. But tonight i want to be myself with all my worries but who is the best one to see me down? One of my exes ever said that opening and sharing to people close to us is exhilarating.....not in my case. The impact will be more restrains, more eyes to be there before you fall, more interferes etc etc that in the end i will feel that if i can keep my big mouth, they wont be so alert and vigilant with nee like i am a China's vase. The Ming one. So the courtroom is arising in the full power; the blaming, the accusation, the sadness, the condemnation and in the end only His way can soothe my broken soul. Knowing that purity and perfection are His Belonging, we as His object can only try to be like what He said toward His Prophets, subhannallah astaghfirullah.

Thus why sometimes keep it inside and bottle it up is the best while waiting the best time to come to Him. Better to come to Him before i start to punish myself for being a troublemaker in my family and loved one. Including toward my Raminku..i am sowiiii.

PS - yes the song may not be related but somehow only this song stuck in my head when i got this problem last night...