Funny Feelings

Here i sit on my messy bed writing to you
Listening to K-Pop music as loud as my headphone can blare in my ears
But the feelings are not so beating up like the music
It is like my body, mind, heart and my fingers are moving to different points
Though they are not pulling me into obviousness

My ears are not synchronise with my other parts of the body
My heart is oozing the blood slowly with the pains of saying goodbye
While my hands are typing nothingness though i need this theraphy for my sanity

Ya Allah....i want to cry but what for?
Dear Rabb The Merciful i want to rest my turmoil and skip these days till then
Till i say goodbye to all the things that i hold dear
But i cant, its time for me to blow the pipe...since i am the piper



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAbokV76tkU

Rainbow Cake

Have you tried Rainbow Cake? Yes, i have and its not as what i hope for though its a beautiful cake in  the shape and colors that it represents a rainbow. Few months back when it was such a huge happening everywhere in Indonesia, i was a lil bit taken aback with the animosity for this particular cake. Yes i did have a curiousity in tasting this morsel that was considered as the most wanted cake at that time. And the animosity was increasing for me due to the price. For a slice of this colorfull cake was about 15,000 - 25,000 rupiahs. And that is considered expensive mind you, at least for me lol. Since i dont have sweet teeth and will feel reluctant in spending those amount of money just to try sweet thing. But offer me a tasty dish or food then i will run as fast as a bullet in front of you. Do you think i am stingy much huh? Naaa just being a realistic one. Those considerations irked my interest, and like normaly happen in human's life, curiousity will bring creatifity *cackling evily* so i cajoled, begged, cried *i will do my charms in getting what i want sometimes lol* to make my sister and cousin who are considered as the cheff in our family. And walla....one of them did make it for me as a surprise act. And since i am not that fond of surprise, the taste did surprise me. I mean come on, with that amount of compliments, moans, whines and ads bout it, i was thinking it was as good as the wordings. But noooooo, the surprise was on me *insert the song by Bee Gees - The Joke Was on Me* i dont like it bleeh. I hurted my cousin in my lacking of comments, my lack of appreciations and definitely my lack of appetite in finishing that beautiful cake that she has made with her love  especially for me. I felt sad, forlorn and could only blame myself.

http://www.incrediblethings.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/rainbow-cake1.jpg (A slice of Rainbow cake)

That example above is a normal thing in our life right? We plan, map out and create what we want in our life forsaking what He wants. Then because we know Allah ya Rabb is the only thing we can ask to fulfill our hopes, we beg, cajol, whine, insist, threat and cry persistently in our prayers. It is right, do ask to Him whenever you need something. but dont you realise that what you are begging for might not be given due to his knowledges that in the end we wont like or need it anymore? Just like a lil kid we ask something only for the good things and differ for the negative sides. Now do you still want to be like a brat? Fabiayyi 'ala irobbikuma tukadziban...Fabiayyi 'ala  irobbikuma tukadziban...Fabiayyi 'ala irobbikuma tukadziban...

Cats.....Miauw......Meong

http://tyrannyoftradition.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/cutest-kitten-hat-ever-13727-1238540322-17.jpg
Such a lovely creature huh? Subhanallah

http://www.dailypets.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/cutekittens1.jpg
This kitty definitely thinks many things....

Since i was young my fascination toward this carnivorous mammal has been peaked. It might be related to my first appearance in this world was as Bastet the goddes of cats *serious tone here* honestly i was a lil bit in the hard time when i was contemplating whether i was The Eye of Ra or The gorgeous Cleopatra lol. But since my love toward cats are stronger than my love in beauty, there was no contest there.

http://kittentoob.toobnetwork.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/cute-kittens27.jpg
Can you avoid her cute face hmm?

Until today i even cant explain why these deep love i always have for any cat. They can scratch, bite or do any nasty thing and i will still love and adore them. They are like a constant cheerfullness in my life. And somehow Allah Ya Rabb allow this feeling to grow abundantly since everytime i have a problem, feeling sad or just purely feeling down, He lets a cat or some cats to appear in front of me in their glorious cuteness subhanallah alhamdulillah.

So if others need to find their equilibrium from many sources which are costly or difficult one, i am so gratefull and bless to have this simple antidot for any ailments that i have. Seeing their cute acts, their faces subhanallah now i am smiling widely.

The Feelins

Feelings are fickle things that cant be controlled, just like what i wrote last time. They do have their own way to shock the cores of any human. It can show their uggliness or their angelic face. We dont know which face will be there for us.

Somehow these feelings are the core of our actions.Though Allah Ya Rabb bless us with the highest part in all His creations, brain, the emotions are still playing the most important rules in human's life. I even ever heard from someone that in the case of suicide, there is only ions second for somebody to loose their grip in life and commit the suicide subhanallah.

So how can we manage or control these beasts in our self? The emotions that can be so destructive when it looses control though sometimes it can be so wonderful to create great things? For me the answer is dzikir and praying. It might not have to be sounded so loud for others do not need to know we are singing His praise, not as much as our soul. For the modern people who do not believe in religion or separating their life with their religion, this concept might be absurd. Though for me its not. I consider it like some people prefer to listen instrumental to soothe their souls. Mine do the dzikir. Some people do the chanting of the mantra. While nee goes for the dzikir. As simple as that. Different actions for achieving the same target-to ease and soothe the worrines inside our heart and emotions.

So when basically all human kinds in this world are aiming this concept, why cant we respect and tolerate each other. So what if the applications are different? The most important is the ending right?

Wedding

Attending a wedding ceremony usually is going to be a hard thing for me. Not due to the enviousness but due to the burden from the society. In my culture when you are a single woman above the normal age to get married you will be considered as; a) an ambitious woman if you are a worker, thus why you dont want to be tied down, b) a picky lady for not being able to accept any kind of men because your criteria is too high, c) all those two reasons before. Somehow these judgements will be stamped on you like a cow in the farm just because you are a single woman and your age is above the average age of married women in Indonesia. But come back to my 1st sentence in here, last Sunday i came to one of the ceremony. Just to show my respect toward the bride who is my work mate-at least until this 1st of November she is my workmate.

I came with a good idea bout how is married's party in Java. Full of rituals, full of the symbolic acts and the combination between religion, culture and the habit in the area. Most of the time the ceremonies are combination of those 3 plus the extravagant efforts from the families whether they are as the guests or the hosts. Somehow these things are not my cup of coffee. Since i always see and think marriage as a sacreed union where Allah will bless all the prayers from all the participants for the better future of the bride and the groom, in which 7 angels will witnessing the procession while giving their prayers* but somehow my way of thinkings are different from many people. They apply many rules in the wedding ceremony that i feel clouding the real essense of marriage vows.

Am i being critical, judgemental or purely just being a bi*tch? Wallahu allam bissawab....nee is a mere human right? And i also havent put myself in that situation before. Can i follow my ideal ways or will i be overruled with the same things like most people? Will i forego the haq to win the 'right' in human's world or stay on my own understandings.....que sera sera what will be will be.


Notes :

* This is the understanding that i got so far, when the groom says the oath in front of the wali, 7 doors of haven are being opened to let 7 angels down to be the witness in the exchange of the sacreed words. Do correct me if i am wrong.

11 Days Counting

Today is 20th of October....another 11 days before i take a different path from my usual path. On Thursday 1st of November my life will be turning into a pivot point, again. I will be another number of un-employment in this country. No i do not plan to be a drama queen since i am the one who decides to quit from my wonderfull job. Great friends, great students, great place to learn many new things *even today i learned about the education for children and how to understand the Government's policies esp in economy* gosh.....great place huh? I just share my knowledge in English and these lovelies pupils of us are willing to give another knowledges in return, subhanallah. We are applying the simbiosa mutualism arggggh nee with her straying mind. I do the resignation with a heavy heart for i really love teaching. I love to motivate people in learning this language, besides they say i am a crazy tutor to behold lol. But alhamdulillah i always infuse the same understanding again and again toward my students, that when you love what you do in life, insyaallah Allah will take care of you *hey only for the good deeds mind you lol* so they do not feel so uneasy in letting me go. Though somehow its me who feels broken hearted again and again in seeing them questioning my reasons. And just like a broken casseste i reply each question with knowing they do it due to their love and lost in me.....nee...un-important person who can somehow entice them within my magick hahaha. It reminds me again with some words that i have shared with my students;

"I am not your teacher, i am helping you to improve your English."

Gosh.....teary moment here *palming my face* Somehow till this night i am not sure why Allah Ya Rabb gave me the decision on our istikharoh's prayer -my sister and i- that i must quit. And i have postponed it for 9 months. 9 long months that i choose to foresake the answer due to my needs in paying my health's bills, my ego, my logic that couldnt grab how can i live without an income and so on and so forth. Subhanallah....how un-gratefull i was. I knocked His door of mercy to find the solution and i gave HIM my cold shoulder when i dont like the answer.

So last month, i brave myself in saying, i resign officially on 1st of November. And i hope i am still good enough to accept HIS blessings by getting another job to behold with a better way in the future amen.

From You

Lately i am learning many new things from this wonderful guy that i met in the site *infuse the blushing please but without the ost ya*
He is introducing many new understandings that in my strawberries brain are quite difficult to grab. Yes i know the words but the meaning are like in Mars language huwaaaa. So these are my homework;
- Meta in which it stands for metaphysic
- Being qua being
- Shiitiism
and the new one is Mut'ah a concept that previously i labelled as a prohibitated act without knowing all the reasons *palming a face for being worry as a source of bit'ah due to scrupulous petty mind* Lord The Merciful do forgive me astaghfirullah...
So its an elevation and revelation time for nee. And in my confusion time i can only hope there is someone out there willing to lent their brains for nee lol.