Sitting Here

I am in here, in a place where everything started few years ago and hopefuly not ended now.

With all the luxurious things surrounded me, with all the entertainments in my gadgets that i can provide. But do those things help to ease my worries? Nope, it is not realy. Only the understanding bout the meaning of equation and all that start will get ended eventualy, help me to move on.

I come here alone, as i wish, since i started long time ago by coming in here alone also. Beside, facing my own anxieties are worying some without pretending to be strong in front of others. For i am not....i am not. But as a beggar we cant be a chooser right? We took the scripts of our life when we took the challenge from HIM to live on this world. We do all the good and bad things to ourself. We just dont realise it when the omen is going to strike us.

Ya Allah, help me not to be a wealking one. Help me to understand the secret of this beautiful event. I am happy Lord, to know all the things that YOU map out for me....the people, the stories, the events, the hurts, the happiness and everything. Make me to be the great one in facing whatever it is. Help me, to pass this event without changing to be such un-grateful moslem.

Live For Life

Live for life! What a dangerous concept. Full of edges here and there, in which will scratch you if you are not careful.

I heard it the very first time when i was in elementary school. It was coming out from my Sire's mouth. At that time i was thinking that, the meaning of that words might be varied due to the different understanding for life itself on each of us.

Those differences are not going to be put the same on all of us, since it is not a dogma or even a clause in Human's Rights where all of us must respect and follow. But my Sire said it vehemently that live for life is more or less how to enjoy your time in living. Not spending it only for living but mostly how to live in your life.....carpe diem.

But for me, live for life is not as the same as my Sire thoughts. I feel that by doing something good, i am living my life immensely. And come back again, the concept of living it up to your life is dependent upon the person itself. No holding back as long as we do enjoy it. With the concept of following the religion, society, norms, and cultures.

So though the concept of live for life is something that each of us explore to the limit, the limitations are still there to guidence us from misconceptions.

May Allah Subhana Wa Ta'alla guide all of us to the best....amen.

In My Corner of Seat

I am sitting down here
But hey you cant see me
Kind of invisible you dont sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow


Those are some parts of the lyric of Lene Marlin - Sitting Down Here. Funny how those words are calling my beast to roar so loud. Calling some old memories in my Pentium II brain, among my strawberries' shrubs. Those words fly directly through all the files and go to 2001.

And just like in a movie, the scenes, lightings and atmosphere were changing into "it".

In my life i often feel as a liability among my peers, family or anywhere i stand at the moment. I often feel so lost within this world, like i am not suppose to be here.

But there was a time, when i met my half. Just like a canine, i felt he was the one the second i saw his dawdy appearance. My inner side growled MINE....MINE. Now mind you, i am quite fanatic in reading Non Human romance hehehe. But honestly, at that time, i realy wanted to claim him as mine and put him chained, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen. Upsss....i cant impregnated him lol.

To make the story short..... all the awkwardness were nothing as long as i knew he was there for me. All the misplaced parts were being put nicely on the puzzle of my life. I felt that my purpose in life was to make him happy, and we will have a happily ever after. Preeeeet* ;p . Well it was not, it was the biggest hoag in my entire living. For as much as i loved him, he is the only person who put the biggest pain in my heart till today.

Do i feel dissapointed with the ending? Naaaa, it is life. When i put my heart on a plate for someone, the end can be described easily. Whether i am going to get H.E.A (Happily Ever After), or the worst one, H.H.M.p Heaven Helps Me..puhleazzz lol.

Though the stories are so poorly copied like a 3rd grade of cheap romance movie, i do feel that he was there to educate this lil ole nee that love is not always like her understanding from all her romance books collection he he he.

But somehow that era in life is the most dangerous part in my entire livinghood. I was so drugged of the love that we had. Though now i can smile and enjoy the happy and sad moments including when he was soooooo worried to introduce me with his family just because i have more piercings than he can hope for wkwkwkwk. As people who admire pierce and tattoe know, all those things are being done for a reason. Like my pierces are emphasizing something in my life.

Well life goes on, he is there with his family and chubby daughters. Nee, is in here with all her "ghosts" to be conquered day by day. And like i often say, when it comes to others' happiness, i am willing to let myself hurt. When Allah gives me a chance to come back to the past, i will never change it a lil bit, not for me, and not even for you.

Note :
* preeeet is the expression that nee uses for showing disagreement, joke, cajole or in those kind of senses.

Hmmmm

I just read a comment in one of my favourite writers' blogs. In there one of the followers commented bout a relationship. And how awful a relationship can be when both parties are going awry with their directions.

These are the thoughts that have been haunting me lately. Just like a broken faucet in the bathroom. It gives me plick plack plack sounds whenever my eyes are having a strike and dont want to sleep like at this moment.

Lately i do realise that i am too clingy to my lover. Well i wish i am not showing it too much or coming too strongly to him, mind you, no man in their right minds are willing to be hound by an amazon lady, though she is only 1.48 m. I repeat it again NO....ONE.

Showing my heart, devotions, and loves to him, actualy is just another way to put me in 6' under the ground....thats what i always feel when i broken up in my relationship. Not that i am thinking bout killing myself or something so noble like a harakiri. Nooooo, i am too coward to meet My Maker by breaking HIS rules. What i mean is more to the way i "kill" any relationship with my own deeds. Just like the song from Queen, Too Much Love Will Kill you, though in my case it is in a roundway bout.

Sooo after reading those words and comments, i feel i do get a revelation. Like everything is meant to be sheeeesh......what i mean, then i do realise some things:

1. Relationship is never for me. I get confuse with the rules and regulations of it. The words/acts that we can or couldnt do are so confusing. Thats why i even think that all of these are a big conspiracy toward nee. That all single people in pre-world life ever had a special training in heaven with all the text books and the slides to give them a lesson how to start, have and enjoy a relationship. And guess what? I did not join it. Maybe they just forgot to invite me puuuufffhhh....

2. Showing too much love toward your lover is a big no no, especially if you are a woman, and last time i went to the bathroom, i was a woman soooo....i must not overdo it.

3. Asking their whereabouts are just not only showing your concerns and attentions. But mostly you are starting to be like a warden tries to shackle your "capture" euuuuy no wonder i never have a long lasting lover. But nooooo, my first lover dumped me since he is soooo afraid his family found out how many pierces that i have lol, my second one is...aih aih....spilling the beans nee???? Silly gal.

Now come to the last question, by writing these thoughts, do i understand something? Noooooo. Do i able to sleep???? Noooooot yet.....lol.

Numb

Have you ever felt a numbness that is seeping in from your toes go to your brain? You saw those "lil white soldiers" march on your veins to capture the whole of us. There is no more nee. Only a carcass that is left there to be dump like a dummy.

But i am not a dummy though somehow i do feel like a dumb. Since only a dumb get the same problem again and again.

Should i be angry with my self over it? Yes i will, but not now. Not when i feel so helpless and numb.

But i will, i will snap out of this limbo state. I need to grab for my sanity back.

If people out there just look for differences while you look for the beauty of those differences, you are not a freak, nee. It doesnt mean you are a pathetic romantic one also. Its not. It is just you. Be brave my love, for others are not as worth as my love toward you.

Its not the time to crumble now, March is coming. You need all your strength to move on, for that day.

Without them, you still have me, nee.

Pit Pat Put

I am in my usual condition now. In the corner of my life, in my uncertainty emotions. In my hollow feeling.

The feeling of being un-worthy for others, wory to be left behind, wory too much to be a burden, and most of all feelin so sensitive over anything and everything.

I wish i can blame my med...in which has been stopped ages ago. Or blame my PMS..which one?? Or my natural basketcase traits?

Will someone cater me into the white jacket condition??? Puhleazzzzzzz dont...i am not that crazy. A lil bit demented due to my rants and whines, mayhap. But definitely not loosing a grip here.

I am what i am, no need to call a shrink to dig my past. I take the whole resposible toward all my actions.

But ya Allah....i am better to go away from population. Since it seems whatever i do, is always rub people in the wrong way, though it is not my intention.....never.

Now, i can only pit pat put with my heart to wait for the grovel to pound to give me the verdict due to my different things that i have to hold. Subhanallah....praise to Allah.

But Darlin I'd Still Catch A Grenade For Ya....

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
You know i'd do anything for ya

And those are the refrain part of a song that i fall in love to at this moment. Since last night my playlist is only playing this song by Bruno Mars - Grenade. The lyric is so horrible harsh but somehow when i listen the emotion of Bruno in singing it, his ways in performing it and also the music......OMG i am just hooked, sank, and lined with it.

Even in my splitting head condition now, i still listen it and i do hope to be able to stand up and shaking my body to this melodious song.

And i'd jump on the train for ya
You know i'd do anythin for ya
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight to my brain......